media update: March

I'm posting this early because I'm leaving for New Jersey tomorrow morning. I'm really looking forward to seeing G's family and chowing down on Madre’s fabulous cooking again…and, of course, being away from friggin’ work and my obscene phone caller for a week.

G begged me to tell the "six ballerinas" joke during Seder, but I love his family and wish to be invited back, so that's obviously not going to happen. Instead, I'm compromising and telling this classic Jewish mother joke:

A Jewish college student comes home for summer break and says, "Ma, I'm engaged!"

"Mazel tov! Oh, my little boy, I can't believe it!" she says. "When do I get to meet her?"

"Well, actually, I brought her home with me. A couple of her friends came along too, and I thought it would be fun to bring them all inside and see if you can guess which one is my fiancee."

So he opens the front door and three women walk in. His mother takes one look, and without hesitating for even a fraction of a second, says, "The one on the right."

"Wow, Ma, that's unbelievable! You're right! How did you know?"

His mother sniffs and says, "Because I don't like her."

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Rain + reruns + an unusually dead month at work = lots and lots of reading.

Asterisks denote something I particularly enjoyed or found especially worthy of my time; your mileage may vary.

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FICTION


1. Tell Me Everything by Sarah Salway: A young woman leaves home and winds up living above a shop. In exchange for free rent, the shop owner makes her tell him stories, mostly sexual in nature. It started out really good, but by the end, I disliked every single character.

2. The Last Song of Dusk by Siddharth Dhanvant Shanghvi: The story of two people who marry in 1920's India and try to find their way through life's joys and sorrows. The lush prose reminded me of The God of Small Things, but it's not nearly as sad (or, for that matter, as good) as that novel.

3. Empress Orchid* by Anchee Min: The fact-based tale of Orchid, a young woman who is rescued from a life of abject poverty when she becomes one of the emperor's concubines; eventually she reigns as the last empress of China. A beautifully woven tapestry; if you like historical novels, you'll love this one.

4. Moloka'i by Alan Brennert: An epic novel about a leprosy settlement in 19th century Hawaii. About as entertaining as you'd expect from that description.

5. Heart-Shaped Box* by Joe Hill: An aging death metal star, looking for something new to add to his macabre collection, buys a haunted suit online. He doesn't expect it to actually be haunted, but it is...by his dead lover's stepfather's ghost. The ghost blames him for her suicide, and now he wants revenge by any means necessary. The author has a ways to go before meeting the lofty horror standards set by his father, Stephen King, but this is a damn good first novel.

6. Hide by Lisa Gardner: The discovery of six mummified corpses bring a young woman, determined to find out who killed her childhood friend, out of hiding. Not great literature or anything, but a fun, suspenseful read.

7. Pig Island* by Mo Hayder: I couldn't wait to read this, because her last book, The Devil of Nanking, is one of my ten favorite books of all time. This one didn't grab me quite like TDON did, but it's still damn good. A mysterious apparition is seen wandering the deserted beaches of Pig Island, so a journalist decides to go check it out. What he finds is a religious cult whose leader, Malachi Dove, has gone completely off his nut, and things get very nasty indeed. A deeply disturbing book that's sure to raise some serious gooseflesh on all but the most jaded reader.

8. Firefly Cloak* by Sheri Reynolds: A woman abandons her two young children at a campsite, leaving behind her parents' phone number and a robe embroidered with fireflies. The children are adopted by their grandparents, and when the girl becomes a teenager, she sets out to find her mother. When you get about fifty pages away from the end, be sure you have a box of Kleenex and someone to hug nearby, because you'll need them.

9. The Rapture of Canaan by Sheri Reynolds: Hey, another religious cult novel! In this one, a teenage girl living in a strict religious community gets pregnant, and...well, I don't want to say too much for fear of spoiling the plot for anyone else, so suffice it to say I wasn't expecting what happened.

10. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult: A small town is shattered when a teenage boy goes on a shooting rampage at the local high school, killing 10 people and wounding several others. Picoult likes to put twists in her books, and this one wasn't as outlandish as most of them (My Sister's Keeper, I'm looking at you), but it still annoyed me. Not bad, but for all your fictional school massacre needs, I would recommend We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. Now that was a mothereffin' twist.

11. Ask Again Later by Jill A. Davis: Emily, the protagonist, is a flighty chick who tries to form a relationship with the father who left her years ago. Eh.

12. Mistress of the Art of Death* by Ariana Franklin: In medieval England, the butchered bodies of four children are discovered, and because one of the bodies was found on the front lawn of a Jewish citizen, the Jewish population is in danger. The king, fearing a riot, calls on an Italian doctor (the "mistress of the art of death") to investigate the crime. One of the reviews quoted on the back calls this novel "CSI meets The Canterbury Tales", which is a perfect description of this very satisfying book.

13. Step on a Crack by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge: A group of celebrities and high-powered politicians are taken hostage at the funeral of a beloved former First Lady. You can tell this is a work of fiction because the book is set in the present, yet they talk about the New York Giants' quarterback having a Super Bowl ring. BA DUM DUM! (I kid because I care, G.) Anyway, this isn't exactly stellar, but it's a damn sight better than the last several Patterson books I've read.

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NON-FICTION


1. I Know You're Out There by Michael Beaumier: The author used to edit personal ads, and this book is a collection of some of the more memorable ones, in addition to personal anecdotes. Not as entertaining as it should have been.

2. Alternadad* by Neal Pollack: Want me to star your parenting memoir? Start off with a gloriously foul poop anecdote, and follow it up with a horrifying story about your girlfriend's cat "assing" all over her hair. This book is screamingly, laugh-out-loud funny (mostly; chapter 7 is a notable exception), and I loved it.

3. Flower Confidential by Amy Stewart: An informative look at the floral industry, including a behind-the-scenes look at the world's busiest flower auction and the neverending quest to create a perfect blue rose. Fun fact: a pinch of ground-up Viagra will extend the life of cut flowers.

4. The Sex Life of Food by Bunny Crumpacker: An entertaining look at how food and sex are related, complete with mouthwatering descriptions and witty anecdotes. (And in regards to the author: as K would say, that's not a name, that's a curse.)

5. Microthrills by Wendy Spero: A collection of humorous essays covering everything from learning how to drive as an adult to smoking pot in a phone booth with Hugh Grant. Like most books of this type, it thinks it's far funnier than it is, but it has its moments.

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MANGA/COMIC COLLECTIONS/GRAPHIC NOVELS


1. Swan vol. 9 by Ariyoshi Kyoko

2. The Best American Comics 2006* edited by Harvey Pekar and Anne Elizabeth Moore

3. American Born Chinese* by Gene Luen Yang

4. Love Monster vol. 8 by Riko Miyagi

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MOVIES


1. This Film Is Not Yet Rated: An insightful look at the MPAA's biased rating system, complete with controversial movie clips and entertaining interviews with everyone from John Waters to Kevin Smith, who cemented his place in my heart by roundly mocking Jersey Girl.

2. Jesus Camp*: A fascinating and disturbing documentary about a summer camp for evangelical Christian children. Ted Haggard, the preacher who bought drugs and sex from a male prostitute, is shown pre-scandal talking about the evils of homosexuality, among other things. 'Sup, hypocrite?

3. Feast: A dive bar in the middle of nowhere is beset by nasty, ravenous monsters, and the patrons of the bar must defend themselves against the onslaught. Ultra-gory, but leavened with some very, very black humor. I was going to give it a star, but a scene that I found incredibly offensive and upsetting kept me from doing so.

4. The Holiday: Two women, both dealing with heartbreak, decide to switch houses for two weeks over Christmas. A very cute and fluffy movie with a great cast (Jude Law, Kate Winslet, Jack Black, and Cameron Diaz), although it could have used a firmer hand in the editing room. And oh my god, between Kate's adorable little English cottage and Cameron's plush LA spread, it's like house porn.

5. Casino Royale*: The latest installment in the James Bond series cuts out the camp, opting instead for relentless action and more cerebral quips, and Daniel Craig's leaner, meaner Bond is sure to make all the haters shut up.

6. 300*: Leonidas, king of Sparta, leads a small army against the king of Persia; heads (and arms, and legs) roll. Exciting action sequences + lots of half-naked men in leather Speedos + dazzling style = star.

Confidential to the guy at the ticket window in front of us: It's not really my business if you want to take your son, who looks to be about 10 years old, to The Hills Have Eyes 2. I'm sure a discerning parent such as yourself already knows that it contains graphic violence and mutants gang-raping a woman. But still, can I just say that you suck? I mean, really, dude, you SUCK.

7. Shortbus*: The title refers to an underground salon for the "gifted and challenged" where disaffected New Yorkers meet up for conversation and sex. This movie gained notoriety because real sex is shown onscreen, but it isn't pornography; one reviewer put it best when he said "It's like Manhattan with money shots." Brilliant, heartbreaking, brave, and utterly uncompromising, it's another fantastic film by Hedwig and the Angry Inch's John Cameron Mitchell.

8. The Prestige*: Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman play two rival magicians who keep trying to outdo each other. I think the less you know about this movie, the better, so I'll just say it's an incredibly clever thriller that kept me guessing until the very end.

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ADDED TO MY iPOD


1. "Starlight" by Muse

2. "It's A Small World (Ducking Hardcore Mix)"

3. "Sky High" by Jigsaw: This 70's song is just as cheesy as Velveeta and twice as delicious. Christ, next thing you know I'll be downloading Bread or some shit. (Mmmmm...bread...)

4. "Standing in the Way of Connection" (Gossip vs. Elastica mash-up)

5. "Polaroids" by Kitchens of Distinction

6. "Quick As Rainbows" by Kitchens of Distinction

7. "Kunoichi" by GO!GO!7188

8. "C7" by GO!GO!7188

9. "Floating Boat" by GO!GO!7188

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VIDEO GAME OF THE MONTH



This is a very Japanese game...which is another way of saying that it's weird as shit. You play Mackenzie, a young detective who picks up clues by touching things. In fact, sometimes she touches things just for the hell of it, and she keeps a list of things she's touched along with descriptions of how they made her feel when she touched them. Okay then!

It's a very short---4 levels plus a minigame---and surprisingly tough game. (Why, of course that skeleton wanted ketchup to drink! How stupid of me for bringing him a soda instead!) But on the plus side:

• It's very cute and funny.
  
  
• Mackenzie has Funghi, a walking mushroom, as her companion, and he makes a cool noise when you click on him. (That's him in the picture above, not a big ol' wang.)
  
  
• Atlus gives a shout-out to their previous game, the criminally underrated and magically lesbilicious Rule of Rose; Mackenzie's notebook has a drawing of Stray Dog in the back.
  
  
• At one point, Mackenzie must enter the Dream World to find out who's been stealing her friend's dreams. In order to do so, she rolls up mushrooms in "herbal paper" and smokes them. Shit you not do I.
  

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YOUTUBE PARODIES OF THE MONTH


These are both for 300, and are both SFW...well, maybe. I guess it depends on your workplace's policy on looking at half-naked soldiers in leather Speedos. No spoilers unless you've never seen the trailer.

The artist formerly known as Flatass...

...shall now be called Twinkletwat.

Christ, I hate her. To paraphrase Adam Sessler, I want to kick her in the sleeping bag of infancy.

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That wasn't enough procrastination, so here's a slightly modified poll ganked from the glowing Peggy, who surely understands my excitement over the new Hello Kitty fragrance.

Four Jobs I've Had

1. Insurance desk jockey
2. Call center monkey
3. Blockbuster assistant manager
4. Library clerk

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

1. Sideways: I still want to recreate Jack and Miles' trip, with the exception of the crazed trucker and the golf.
2. Hedwig and the Angry Inch: Thank you, John Cameron Mitchell, for refusing to let Madonna play Hedwig. Nobody could possibly do it as well as you.
3. The Protector: The plot is laughable, but damn, I could watch Tony Jaa administer red-hot beatdowns all friggin' day.
4. Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Ohhhhh yeah.

Four Places I've Lived

1. California
2. Minnesota
3. Indiana
4. New Jersey

Four TV Shows I Love

1. Heroes: I'm so glad I gave it another chance after that tepid first episode. Is it April 23rd yet?
2. Lost: I was really disappointed with the current season, but they reeled me back in with last night's stunner.
3. The Simpsons: Still a classic.
4. Robot Chicken: Outrageously funny.

Four Highly Regarded TV Shows I've Never Watched

1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Ugly Betty
3. Six Feet Under
4. American Idol

Four Places I've Vacationed

1. Norway
2. Iceland
3. Japan
4. Bermuda

Four Of My Favorite Meals

1. Teriyaki beef with miso soup and tons of sticky rice.
2. G’s mother’s roast chicken with fingerling potatoes and homemade cheesecake
3. Cracker Barrel chicken and dumplings. Yes, their corporate policies suck my left one, but those bitches whip up some mean chicken and dumplings.
4. Chino Latino's kobe beef appetizer, jasmine rice, a Flirtini, and Hot Monkey Love (deep-fried Snickers bar with vanilla bean ice cream). Oh my god, just thinking about it made me paste my panties.

Four Websites I Visit Daily

1. Defamer
2. I Can Has Cheezburger?
3. Kotaku
4. Oh No They Didn't! (Live Journal gossip community; no link because LJ is a restricted site here at work)

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now

1. With G
2. In bed
3. Costa Rica
4. Chino Latino

Die! Die! Die, my doll-ing! (edit for picture)

EDIT: With my trusty cameraphone, I managed to snap a picture of the horrible thing described in this entry. I have no idea why I originally said it was green, although I try not to look directly at it, fearing that my eyeballs will melt like the Nazis' at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, so I was probably just confusing the color of its shirt with the color of its, um, fur.

Behold the beast! Lo, its name is Legion:

---

One of my coworkers, A, is a sweet older woman with a penchant for collecting tchotchkes. One of them is a hideous green Muppet-looking doll wearing a sunhat, sunglasses, and a t-shirt that says “You’ll always be my friend…you know too much!”

So far, so…well, not good, but innocuous enough, and the sentiment on the shirt is funny. But the problem with this fucking piece of shit is that it sings “When I’m Sixty-Four” in a high, tinny voice when its belly is pressed. And not just a brief snippet, either; it goes on for a full two minutes or so.

Today the office is having a Saint Patrick’s Day progressive potluck, which means that throughout the day, different departments set out different items. (Side note: I came in at 9:30 today, so the breakfast items were pretty much gone, but I did manage to snag a couple of strips of bacon, and I must agree with the blogger who said “Bacon is the chocolate of meats.”) My department got salad duty, and the salads have been set out, and people keep coming over to get salad and PRESS THE FUCKING BUTTON ON THAT FUCKING DOLL.

If, say, the doll belonged to Flatass, aka I’m Related to a Famous Murder Victim and Somehow That Means My Shit Don’t Stink Even Though It Probably Stinks Worse Than My Breath, then I’d grab that green monstrosity after everyone else had gone home and toss it into the breakroom trash, where it would be unceremoniously buried under coffee grounds and Lean Cuisine boxes. But I actually like A, and as such, I have no desire to steal or vandalize her property, obnoxious as it may be.

So in the meantime, I’ll grit my teeth and try to drown out the ear-raping strains of “When I’m Sixty-Four” playing over and over and over again. But the next time we have one of these stupid progressive potlucks, I’m taking its batteries out the night before.

bittersweet simian-phy

There’s a great ABBA song called “The Day Before You Came”, in which the singer talks about an average day in which she got up, went to work, came home, watched something crappy on TV, and read a romance novel before going to bed. It’s about how she had no idea, on that ordinary day, that the next day would bring something so wonderful that would change her life completely.

Just like how I had no idea on Friday that Saturday would bring magic into my world.

I went to G’s earlier than usual because we were going to Santa Monica with C and M. They had an appointment in the area, so they dropped us off at the Third Street Promenade with plans to meet up again for lunch. Glenn and I strolled down the sidewalks, popping into stores here and there and occasionally stopping to watch a musician or dancer busking for change.

“Hey, what’s Famima?” G asked.

“Famima!” I cried, tugging him towards the store. “Oh my god, there’s a Famima here?”

Famima is short for Family Mart, which is basically the Japanese equivalent of 7-11 (although they have those too). I’d heard that they were opening stores in the US, so I was eager to go inside and see what goodies they had to offer. There was nothing I couldn’t get at Little Tokyo, though, so I only bought an onigiri and munched on it as we continued walking.

“Oh, hey, do you have your cell phone turned on?” G asked. “I told C to call us when they were coming back this way.”

“I think so, but I’d better check,” I said, unzipping my purse and rummaging around. I was so busy looking for my phone that I almost banged into Glenn when he stopped suddenly.

“OH MY GOD,” G said. “You will NOT believe this.”

“What?” I asked, half hopeful and half fearful.

“Wait until you see what all of those people are looking at,” he said, and he took my hand and led me through the crowd, and when I espied what was before me, I let out a low moan of pure, primal delight.





Dear reader, I almost wet my pants.

“Monkey,” I moaned, clutching at Glenn’s hand. “Monkey in a HAT.”

G laughed. “Do you have a dollar?”

I scrabbled in my purse and extracted a dollar, and I made my way to the edge of the mat. I was nothing but pure, quivering id. At that moment, there was only one thing on my mind, and that was fulfilling my lifelong dream of touching a monkey.

I bent down, and with trembling fingers, I extended the dollar. The monkey came over, took the dollar, put it in his vest pocket, and then he…

…dear sweet God…

…THEN HE CLOSED HIS TINY MONKEY HAND AROUND MY FINGER AND SHOOK IT.


I returned to G and beamed beatifically at him. “I touched the monkey,” I whispered.

“Do you want to do it again? I’ll take a picture of you this time.”

So I got out another dollar and returned to the mat. Here, captured for all eternity, is this momentous occasion:





I really should have stopped there.

See, I just couldn’t get enough of that tiny hand on mine, and I wanted to see if I could get a picture of the monkey shaking my finger, so I borrowed a dollar from Glenn and crouched down again. I aimed my cameraphone with my right hand, held out the dollar with my left, and with a screech, the monkey swooped down on me and stole my phone!

O cruel behatted simian!

“Ooooooh,” quoth the crowd.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” screeched the monkey.

Fortunately, my brain was not so addled by primate-induced endorphins that I tried to take my phone back. The monkey’s owner pulled him back, said something in Spanish, and the monkey instantly dropped his prize. The owner returned my phone, now covered in monkey spit and tiny fingerprints, and I meekly returned to Glenn’s side. We found the nearest public bathroom, where I promptly toweled off my phone and washed my hands with hot water and five pumps worth of liquid soap.

When I came back outside, G said, “Hey, now you don’t have to go to Costa Rica!”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “Find a sloth on this promenade and then we’ll talk.”

give me your hot white what now?

On weekdays, I refer to 4:30PM as the "golden hour". True, I don't actually get off until 6PM, but the vast majority of my coworkers get off at or before 4:30PM, and my only other late shift coworker's cubicle is several aisles away from me.

Slack time, bitches!

I did a quick prairie dog over the top of my cube to ensure that no management or Mean Grandmas were around to spoil my fun, and I sighed happily when I realized I was completely alone. I'd cleared out my workload for the day, and the only other work-related thing I could do was a big stack of "sign and sends". But I wasn't in the mood for getting papercuts, and they're basically the chief responsibility of someone I don't particularly like, so hey, no thanks.

I put a mix CD into my disk drive, propped my feet up, and reached into my desk drawer for a magazine and a bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs. Munching happily, I flipped through the pages and thought, Now this is the life, man. True, I'm not exactly raking it in, but there's something to be said for getting paid to eat chocolate and read.

Eventually, nature called, and I got up and went to the bathroom. When I returned, one of the claim reps was standing at the cubicle in front of me, looking for something in the temp's outbox.

"Hey, how's it going?" he said.

"Doing all right," I said, hoping that he hadn't noticed the trashy magazine sitting on top of my desk. I sat down, surreptitiously whisked it under a pile of manila envelopes, and pretended to be engrossed by an article on the Cube Farm's webpage.

"Hey, this is a really catchy song," Claim Rep said. "Who is this?"

With horror, I realized what was playing:

You're my secret beauty routine
La la la la, what my body has seen...

I immediately ejected the disk. "It's, uh, Liz Phair."

"Aw, why'd you stop it?"

Because she was about to sing "Give me your hot white cum", and I kind of need this job.

"Got a bit of a headache starting," I lied.

That's it. From now on, only J-pop at work.

make a prank call pretending I'm a mime

Get stuck in traffic just to pass the time.

Stolen from all over the place:

1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?

Him, of course. I mean, really, all he has to do is spring for a loaf of bread, one fish, and a bottle of water, work a little magic, and hey presto! We’ve got ourselves a feast. I’ll bring the dessert, though. I don’t know what they considered dessert back in his day, but it’s probably some shit like dates and honey. Do not want.

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt a new name. What is it?

I was going to say Mimi Imfurst, which is my favorite drag queen name of all time, but since I’m assuming I fled the country to escape something or someone, that would be awfully conspicuous. Therefore, I shall go with Elizabeth Wakefield, marking me as a true child of the 80’s.

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.

I don’t really have a beef with any of them, so I’ll say Rhode Island, since it’s the smallest.

4. You wake up as the opposite gender. What's the one thing you wanna do?

I would immediately pee standing up.

5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?

Good lord, are you kidding? Han Solo! I still remember leaving Star Wars with a raging crush on Harrison Ford. I would curl up in bed at night and fantasize about him rescuing me, and then we would Do It. I didn’t really understand the concept of Doing It at the tender age of six---my loss of innocence would come two years later with the discovery of my mom’s copy of Forbidden Flowers, which traumatized the hell out of me---so my fantasies consisted of him hugging me and kissing me, and then things faded to black like an old-time movie.

6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?

I honestly can’t think of anything. Not that I was spoiled or anything, but all I ever really wanted was a Lite Brite (and those were, what, $5 in the 70’s?) and piles and piles of books.

9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?

Huh, I can’t remember. The last horror movie I watched was Saw 3, but that wasn’t scary, just gross. I’ll have to go way back and say Black Christmas. NOT the recent remake, which can suck my left one, but the original. I had to stop it near the end and make sure all the doors were locked and the alarm system was set.

10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?

I was sitting with my friend B-kun and he said, “You seem really pensive.” I said, “Nah, I’m just thinking.” D’oh!

11. You're sentenced to death and it's the morning of your execution: what do you want to eat?

Kobe steak, mashed potatoes with about eight pats of butter, old-fashioned sugar cream pie, blue moon ice cream, a six-pack of Coke Classic, those Pillsbury breakfast rolls with the orange frosting, a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its, six Godiva oyster truffles, a grilled cheese sandwich, McDonald’s fries, a Wendy’s hamburger, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Uncanny Cashew (which has been discontinued, apparently, so hopefully my execution will be stayed while they look for it) , one of G’s mom’s cheesecakes, a bag of Lay’s salt and vinegar potato chips, crème brulee, an In & Out vanilla milkshake, a piece of red velvet cake, two Cadbury Top Deck bars, that Bailey’s French toast from our hotel in San Simeon, a bottle of Cristal, a bottle of Bridlewood Central Coast Syrah (2003 vintage), and two Vicodin. Then my stomach would burst and I’d die before they could even stick the needle in my arm, and I wouldn’t even feel a thing thanks to the combination of alcohol and drugs. Yay, happy ending!

12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?

Buttsecks

13. Before you die you want to go to...?

Costa Rica

14. What’s the last thing you ate?

A peanut butter and jelly Uncrustable. Greatest invention ever, as far as I’m concerned.

15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?

Capuchin monkey.

16. A drug you'll never try?

LSD, because nothing scares me more than the possibility of going completely off my nut.

17. If you were an animal, what would you be?

A sloth.

18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12, who would it be?

My friend Spock. He’s gay and out, though, so I don’t know how that would work exactly.

19. What's something a lot of people don't know about you?

I didn't try pizza until I was 18 years old. No, this wasn't because of some weird age of consent for doughy treats imposed upon me by my parents; I just didn't want to try it. Of course, once I did, I became an insatiable pizza slut.

20. First celebrity crush?

Harrison Ford

21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?

If my mad RE4 skillz are anything to go by, sniper rifle.

22. Best flavor of runts?

Grape

23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?

Waffles

24. Favorite parody movie?

Airplane!

25. Worst way to die?

Probably being set on fire.

26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?

There is a website, which shall remain nameless, that has a photograph of a man who was in a motorcycle accident. He’s on the operating table, and the lower half of his face is pretty much completely a mass of meat and gristle. I see a few nasty pictures here at work, too; just the other day, I was looking at police scene photos of an accident victim and thinking, “Hmmm, I don’t think a leg should bend that way.”

27. The worst injury you've ever had?

A sprained ankle. I’m surprised I’ve never broken a bone, considering how klutzy I am.

28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?

Mashed potatoes. Man, I love me some potatoes. I must be Irish.

29. Sport you hate the most?

Using the very loosest definition of the word “sport”, golf.

30. What state in the US do you want to visit?

Hawaii

31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?

Computers

32. Favorite Actor/Actress?

Ron Jeremy and Nina Hartley. Oh, you mean serious actors? Uh, I'll say Jake Gyllenhaal for the actor, although there's probably someone different I'll think of later. For actress, I'll say Naomi Watts; I rewatched Mulholland Drive the other night and she blew me away. Jesus, she was fantastic in that.

33. What's one phrase you absolutely detest?

“I’d like to dialogue with you.” What Dilbertian bullshit. How hard is it to just say TALK?

34. What makes an awesome party?

Good food, good music, good conversation.

35. What's your favorite material obsession?

Magazines

36. What's something that most consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?

That I’m a nerd. Nerds are smart, endearing, and generally not mean.

37. Favorite kind of dog(s)?

Pugs

38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?

Yes.

39. Morning or night person?

Night

41. Weirdest E-bay purchase?

I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything weird, per se, but I’ve sure bought a few things I wish I hadn’t.

43. It’s Saturday 3AM; where are you?

Either curled up next to G asleep in bed, or curled up next to G on his sofa, playing a game or watching a movie.

44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?

They all rule in different ways. Is that diplomatic enough?

45. Worst job you've ever had?

The call center. Jesus Christ, I swear that job gave me PTSD.

46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?

Being a nerd

47. Favorite cereal?

Ralph’s blueberry almond

48. Book you could read repeatedly?

As Meat Loves Salt by Maria Mc Cann

49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?

Made a little neighborhood girl cry by telling her there was a boa constrictor in the hedge outside her window. And now you know why K and I really had to move from Crackwood.

50. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?

Only if I shot three of my toes off on purpose in order to be sent home early. Otherwise, I’d probably be the first casualty. Sad but true: mad RE4 skillz do not a legitimate soldier make.