Tuesday, November 19, 2013

my 25 favorite movie lines of the year

Note:  Some of these are from memory, so they might not be verbatim.  Also, not all of these movies first came out in 2013 (though that's when I saw them), and they're not in any particular order.

1. "Did you find a nice morbidly obese rest stop suitor to take the edge off the family road trip?"  (Another Happy Day)

2. "You look like a Campbell's soup kid who grew up to be an alcoholic."  (The Heat)

3. "Mother Nature is a serial killer. No one's better or more creative. Like all serial killers, she can't help but have the urge to get caught, or what good would all those brilliant crimes do if no one takes the credit? So she leaves crumbs. Now the hard part is seeing the crumbs, the clues there. Sometimes it's in your thoughts where the most brutal part of a virus is. Turns out to be the chink in its armor. And she loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths. She's a bitch." (World War Z)

4. "See, the bright light... it ain't heaven, son. It's just a muzzle flare."  (Outpost)

5. "My shoe is bigger than this car!"  (The Expendables 2)

6. "By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and knife."  (The Expendables 2)

7. "I'm gonna finish him like a cheesecake!" (Pitch Perfect)

8. "Today we are canceling the apocalypse!"  (Pacific Rim)

9. "Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I'd pictured?  I picture it looking like a donut.  Like a little pink sprinkled donut."  (This Is the End

10. "Do you ever wonder why, if you hear a word for the first time, you'll invariably hear it again within 24 hours?  Or why you sometimes see a single shoe at the side of the road?  I have been watching your species for a long time.  I once watched a man who masturbated until he bled.  Why did he do that?"  (John Dies at the End

11. "We accept the love we think we deserve."  (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

12. "Oh, I almost forgot.  I got you some stroke mags. I've been in the hospital before, I know what you need. I got Juggs, Hot MILFs in Heat, Ass Masters. You just stroke it all day, you're a hero."  (Flight)

13. "Dads leave. No need to be such a pussy about it."  (Iron Man 3)

14. "You don't believe in guns?  They ain't fucking leprechauns, you dumb mick."  (Seven Psychopaths)

15. "Boys believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy.  I'm sure some of them even believe in God."  (The Awakening)

16. "Come on in.  We got to get this dog off the street 'cause it's been kidnapped from a maniac."  (Seven Psychopaths)

17. "You know, I've often wondered why it is we have children...and the conclusion I've come to is we want someone to get it right this time.  But not me.  Personally speaking, I can't wait to watch life tear you apart."  (Stoker)

18. "Here's your plastic penis full of liquor.  Enjoy your lifestyle!" (Paradise)

19. "What I'm saying is that the torment I had to endure didn't strengthen my faith in the slightest.  No benevolent being would do that to one of his children.  So I feel compelled to share my true testimony with you:  there is no God.  I don't believe in God.  What I do believe in is the doctors and nurses who saved my life in the hospital. I believe in prescription opiates, which work whether you put faith in them or not.  So don't pray for me, because the last time you prayed for me, I ended up looking like this!  My arms look like turkey bacon!  God WHO?"  (Paradise)

20. "This is it, ladies! The kitten whispers and tickle fights end now!"  (Wreck-It Ralph)

21. "What's going on in this candy-coated heart of darkness?" (Wreck-It Ralph)

22. "If you don't tell me what I need to know, I'm gonna press down on this chair until it crushes your trachea.  Trust me, it's agonizing.  Plus there's the posthumous humiliation of having been killed with a chair."  (Parker)

23. "Brace yourself...it's like talking to those two old fucks from The Muppets."  (Argo)

24. "The good news is I'm off for the night.  The bad news is humanity."  (Paradise)

25. "I made you sad face chocolate chip pancakes because the world is an asshole."  (Bachelorette)