spitting in a wishing well

Okay, what the hell am I supposed to wear to my Jeopardy audition? And what five facts about myself should I put on the form I'm supposed to bring?

You know, it's funny, because remember my evil bovine coworker, Bossy? She once told a fellow coworker that I was "nice, but not very bright."

ExmothafuckinCUSE me?

I ain't no Stephen Hawking or anything, but I'd say I'm reasonably bright, and to hear this sort of insult from someone who wears mustard yellow flats with a blue pantsuit really chapped my hide.

I hope I pass the second audition and get on the show and win a respectable amount of money. Then, when she comes up to me in the bathroom at work, all fawny and shit, I'm going to peer at her over the tops of my glasses and sniff, "I'm sorry, I don't hang with no short money bitches."

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Broke Mac Mountain

Brokeback to the Future

(Both worksafe, although they won't make any sense unless you're familiar with the movie)

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Yesterday, in a desperate attempt to take my mind off my horrible soul-sucking asstacular job, I grabbed my wallet and headed to the break room.

Hmmm, first order of business: selecting a beverage. I got a Diet Dr Pepper, because I'm trying to cut out sugared soda (and lest those of you who know my deep and unwavering love for Coke Classic scoff, I haven't had a Coke in probably a week) and it's the only diet drink that actually tastes exactly like its caloric counterpart.

Next, a snack. Hmmm...okay, Baked Lays. I put my money in and the bag started to drop, but it got stuck.

Bastard!

I noticed that the "Tombstone Spicy Meat Sticks" were above and slightly to the left of my stranded chips. I figured if I purchased those, they would dislodge the chips and then I'd have my chips as well as a snack for the next day.

The spicy meat sticks glanced off the edge of the bag as they fell, but the chips stayed put.

Bastard-ass bastard!

I wasn't leaving that break room without my Baked Lays, goddammit. I put another dollar in, hit A5 for the Pepperidge Farm Milanos, and finally left in triumph, cradling my bounty o' snacks in my arms.