Thursday, May 17, 2007

Exhibit 2,090,199 in the case against God

I used to work with a guy I refer to as Komodo, thanks to his disturbing resemblance to a komodo dragon. If he had been ugly and nice, I wouldn't have given him such a mean nickname, but he was a dick. He treated me like his personal servant. Once he yelled at me for using the "wrong" kind of paper clips, and on one memorable occasion, when the power went out in our building, he came over and asked me to photocopy a file immediately.

Yeah, um, Mr. Edison? Just so you know, when there's no power, THE FRICKIN' COPIERS DO NOT WORK.

Oh, and there's this little gem. I wasn't around for this personally, but HangDog, who I trust, swears that it happened.

Picture a bright California day. In the parking lot of our office building, people waited in line for complimentary barbecue, provided in honor of Employee Appreciation Day. (I should note that this was a couple of years before the infamous Employee Appreciation Day barbecue that sent several people to the emergency room with severe food poisoning.) HangDog was chatting with a fellow coworker when Komodo slithered up behind him.

"Hey, [Komodo], you look awfully tired," HangDog commented. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Oh, I had a rough night," Komodo groaned. "I had to go to the emergency room because one of my hemorrhoids burst."

All together now: holyfuckingEWWWW!

I can think of maybe one or two instances where telling someone about your bleeding hemorrhoids is appropriate. Needless to say, standing in line waiting for FOOD---food covered in RED SAUCE---is not one of them.

So yeah, Komodo is disgusting on many levels. Fortunately, he transferred to a different department, so I very rarely see him anymore. When I'm taking my morning walks, I occasionally see him pull up in his brand-new silver Mercedes, and I take a moment to think about the unfairness of someone like Komodo driving a sweet piewagon like that.

Well, guess what lizardlike, ass-bleeding, jerkoff dick creep just won $11,000 in the lottery?


Hear that noise? It's me falling off the theological fence I've been straddling and landing squarely in the atheist's camp.