balls, i has em

In my department, we have two women scheduled to go on maternity leave at the same time. They work in a specialized area that involves lots of complicated paperwork and facts and numbers and dicking around with the DMV; in short, just about the worst job I could imagine that doesn’t involve nudity or a hairnet.

So of course my boss asked me to sit over there for two hours and see what I thought about filling in until they returned.

Well, the short answer was “um, no thanks”. But I couldn’t just come right out and say it, so I dutifully went over there and sat there for two hours watching someone with the personality of cold oatmeal go over things that were so boring and confusing that I didn’t know whether to yawn or burst into tears. Don’t get me wrong; my current job isn’t exactly a thrill a minute. But THIS job made MY job look like getting paid to read magazines or play with British shorthair kittens all day. (Seriously, I still fantasize about Winston, the British shorthair kitten I got to play with last year. And I don’t mean “fantasize about” in an unnatural way; no, I daydream about dangling strings in front of him and him sleeping on my lap while I run my fingers over his plush fur. Shut up! You don’t understand! He was like a teddy bear that purred!) Not only that, I would have to change desks. My current cube is one of the best in the building (back to the window so that nobody can sneak up on me, conveniently located to the break room and the bathroom), and I sit next to J, the one coworker I actually like.

Anyway, a couple of days later, M sent me an e-mail that said, “So what did you think? We really need your help!”

Augh. I was in a quandary. Should I suck it up and work over there for however long it took one of the pregnant chicks to return, despite the fact that I would be utterly miserable and pray for an aneurysm every morning so I wouldn’t have to go back to that Lunesta fiesta? Or should I sack up and tell her the truth?

I opted for the latter. I wrote back and said that I didn’t think I would be a good fit in that department, but that if my transfer was not optional, I would of course perform the job to the best of my ability until one of the women returned.

And oh my fucking god, SHE ACTUALLY PICKED SOMEONE ELSE.

Granted, this could come back on me at some point, and my boss has been rather chilly to me ever since, but it was worth it.

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I went over to G’s on Monday night so we could watch the (disappointing) season premiere of Heroes, and about halfway through, I began sneezing up a storm.

“Ack, baby, you okay?” he asked.

“It’s just allergies,” I said, reaching into my purse for generic Sudafed.

Well, the next morning, things were worse, and it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t an allergy attack. I spent a miserable day at work hacking, wheezing, sneezing, snorting, and snuffling. I almost went home after lunch, but forced myself to stay.

Later that night, I was watching Dancing with the Stars. Lance Bass and his creepy Ashlee Simpsonesque partner were doing the quickstep to a horrific version of “Close to Me” by the Cure. I managed to last till the end of their routine, and then, after a giant slug of cough syrup, I went to bed.

At 9:45PM.

Handy hint: here’s how to tell if I’m truly sick or just faking it. If I have no appetite, or go to bed earlier than 11PM, there is something wrong with me.

Needless to say, I didn’t go to work the next day. Aside from a quick trip to pick up my surefire cold killers (Greek lemon chicken soup and an Orange Dream Machine smoothie from Jamba Juice), I spent all afternoon crashed out on Big Brown, alternating between naps and Law & Order SVU reruns.

I came back to work the next day to find half of my coworkers out with the same crud that had felled me. Great, I’m the Outbreak monkey.

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Okay, enough about work and illness. I have two exciting things coming up in the next couple of weeks.

First off, as you all know, I am an absolutely rabid Silent Hill fan, and every game holds a rusty, bloodstained place in my heart. That's why I have September 30th, the official release date of Silent Hill: Homecoming, circled on my calendar. At first I was worried about the fact that Konami farmed the development out to an American company, but they did the same thing with Silent Hill Origins, and I really enjoyed that one. I'm trying to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed, but I have to be honest: when I have that game in my hot little hands, I'm going to be so overcome with joy that I may just wind up rubbing it all over my toilet parts.

Secondly, G and I are going to Washington DC next month. It's the first trip I've taken this year, and work has been so shitty that I'm absolutely dying for a break. We're going to spend time with our friends G2 and R, as well as G's parents, who will also be in town. R, who knows what a killer sweet tooth I have, sent me the link to a restaurant she wants to take us to. I only needed to take one glance at the menu to send her an enthusiastic "Yes plz!" They offer dessert tasting courses, each with a theme. Check these out:

CHOCOLATE MAYA: Chocolate jelebi, badaam milk foam, white chocolate ras malai, carrot halwa, and milk and dark chocolate kulfi bon bons

CIOCCO: Vanilla panna cotta, chocolate praline soup, three flavors of tiramisu (fraise de bois, classic, and chocolate), Tuscan ricotta petit fours, and chocolate dipped ameretti

XOCOLATYL: Churros with cinnamon cream and dulce de leche dip, hot chocolate souffle with a fiery chocolate center, Kahlua soother, chocolate infused horchata, and a Mexican wedding cookie

CHILDHOOD FAVORITES: Mini Boston cream doughnut, cappuccino panna cotta, PB&Bananas Foster split, mini cupcake, malted shooter, mint chocolate chip cone, and a strawberry cheesecake lolly with Pop Rocks

Dear reader, I sprayed 'em.