emphasis on the "ass"

Ever since I started working at the Cube Farm, there has been a day I dread like no other…

…Administrative Assistants Day.

Every single year, management corrals us into a tiny conference room. My boss gives a short speech (during which she inevitably tears up), and then we receive subpar food, a small gift, and a coupon for one paid hour off work. Management sits there and watches us EAT. I don’t like eating around other people anyway, and I HATE being forced to be social, so I always beat cheeks out of there as soon as I politely can. To give you an idea of how painful this thing is, my favorite coworker J actually volunteered to work the lobby rather than go.

When 2PM rolled around, I grudgingly followed everyone into the conference room and stood in line. There’s a bakery nearby which somehow manages to get all of the Cube Farm’s business for special events, even though their food is absolute shit…with the exception of their cheesecake brownies.

Oh well, at least I’ll get a cheesecake brownie and an hour off work, I thought, cutting my eyes at A, who was unsuccessfully trying to pick up a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich with tongs. For Christ’s sake, A, just pick the thing up! They’re called finger sandwiches for a reason!

By the time I reached the end, all of the cheesecake brownies were gone.

I stalked to an empty chair and picked at my plate of pineapple slices while trying to avoid getting my picture taken.

My boss gave a very short, dry-eyed speech, and then she passed out small gift bags containing a notepad, a pen, and a Mary Engelbreit bookmark that says “If you pray for rain, be prepared to deal with some mud!”

WHAT THE CHRISTING FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Could you pick something more ominous? How about “If you pray for a cheesecake brownie and a paid hour off work, be prepared for a shitty gift bag instead”? That’s more appropriate if you ask me. And what the hell do we need with pens and notepads anyway? We work in an office! We can raid the supply closet whenever we want!

And then, to top it off, when I got back to my desk, I had an e-mail telling me that I’d won a recent contest. Earlier, in honor of Earth Day, we received a word search and a note telling us that the first ten people to return it would win a prize. Feeling like a kindergartener, but always up for some swag, I did the puzzle and turned it in.

But in addition to that e-mail, I got one from a coworker that said “You must need more work to do! LOL!”

SUCK MY FIGURATIVE SWEATY BALLS, BITCH.

Fortunately, I have a massage after work, and then I’m going to go home , take a shower, and flop onto Big Brown for hours of trashy magazine reading and Law & Order SVU reruns.

If work ain’t gonna treat me right, then I’m sure as hell gonna do it for myself.