no way to stay warm through the ice age

A Jar of Balloons Survey, Volume 5

1.) Which chemicals' smells do you like?

Chlorine, gasoline, and skunk, but only if the skunk is rather far off. I certainly wouldn't want to get a blast of it right in the face!

2.) During which phase of life did you acquire the bulk of your friends?

2004, because I "inherited" G's circle of friends.

3.) Gray or grey?

Gray, although when I was a pretentious teenager who listened exclusively to androgynous British musicians who hail from rainy industrial towns, I spelled it "grey". Then I wept into my pillowcase and wondered why nobody loved me.

4.) Who most often terminates your telephone conversations, you or the person to whom you've been speaking?

Me, because I hate talking on the phone even if it's somebody I like. I blame a soul crushing stint in a call center for this. G's the same way, though he has no call center in his past so I don't know from whence his hatred stems. I bet if you added up every phone conversation we've had in the last 7 years, it would be an hour or less.

5.) Is your signature legible? Would it stand up to a schoolteacher's scrutiny?

It's legible, but somewhat messy, as is my cursive writing in general. Even people who know me well sometimes need to have me "translate" the birthday cards I've given them.

6.) Have you ever ridden in a limousine?

One year, back when I still lived in Minnesota, my brother and I took a Christmas lights limo tour of the Twin Cities. We weren't allowed to have alcohol in the back with us, but they put cans of Coke in an ice bucket for us, which was nice. I eagerly anticipate the first time I get to ride in a limo with someone I'm not related to.

7.) Is your bed up against a wall, or does it sit in the center of a room, accessible from both sides?

In the center of the room.

8.) What's your favorite cuss word?

I say "fuck" so often you'd think I got paid for it, but I have a colorful array of swear words that I like to bust out when particularly angry. Much to my astonishment, I've managed not to swear in front of G's parents, with the exception of one blurted out "Shit!" when I dropped a 2-liter of Diet Dr Pepper. But only his dad heard me, and I'm sure he's recovered from the shock.

9.) What colors have you painted rooms?

I personally have never painted a room, but any room I've ever lived in has been plain old boring white or off-white. No, wait, I take that back; my childhood bedroom was a light mint green. We had bright orange carpet, too, so that was a psychedelic nightmare. What the hell were we thinking?

10.) When eating out, do you prefer, in general, to face the crowd or the wall?

If I'm with somebody, I don't really care, but if I'm eating by myself, I want to face a wall. I don't like eating in front of people I don't know.

11.) Are you a person who has certain items that are unequivocally yours (a coffee mug, a side of the bed, a chair, a place at the table)?

Everything in my bachelorette pad, baby! At G's, though, I do have a few things that are "mine". I always sleep on the left side of the bed and I sort of have my own bathroom.

12.) Can you describe to me your most frequent freak-out fantasy, or do the particulars of your situations vary so that it's always a new table you're overturning or bus window you're punching out?

I used to just have the standard fantasy of flipping tables Teresa Giudice style or knocking everything on my desk to the ground with one sweep of my arm, but after playing No More Heroes, I now fantasize about wielding dual beam katanas and slicing through rows and rows of cheap office furniture. (Not people; I don't hate my coworkers THAT much!) Strawberry on the shortcake!

13.) In which of these opposing clichés ("absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "out of sight, out of mind") do you find more truth?

Out of sight, out of mind.

14.) Where, in your calendar year, have the birthdays you celebrate tended to cluster?

Summer, or July to be more specific. G, C, and I have our birthdays within five days of each other, and my brother's birthday is on the 31st.

15.) How do you occupy your time when in a waiting room or on a train? Books, magazines, music, or just looking at people then looking away?

Doctor's offices tend to have the worst magazines (my gynecologist excepted, and yes, I did finally make that appointment, which I have next Tuesday...joy), so I always make sure that I bring a book or my Nintendo DS.

16.) What physical skills have you lost? Can you still touch your toes? As a child, were you able to turn a cartwheel?

The ability to hold my water.

...okay, ew. Also, not true. Nothing that I can think of; despite having a few more pounds on me than I'd like and the lack of a serious exercise regimen, I'm surprisingly flexible. Not only can I touch my toes, but I can put my palms on the ground. I cannot and never have been able to do a cartwheel.

17.) Are you a member anywhere, of anything, as of a group of people that meets at a certain time and at a certain place?

Nope. G's mom once expressed her surprise that I don't belong to a book club, but one of the things I love best about reading is that it's a solitary pursuit.

18.) Do you find it beautiful when sidewalks begin to freckle with rain?

Absolutely.

19.) When dealing with a knot, are you more likely to pass the knot to another, sigh and say "Can you get this?" or to take the knot from another and say, "I can get this"?

I'd pass the knot. (That sounds like a sexual position, or a painful elimination.) I have stubby little fingers.

20.) How many people have you called your best friend?

Over the years, maybe 5.

21.) Does your alarm clock wake you with noise or radio?

Noise. Horrible, horrible noise. Effective, though!

22.) At what age did you reach your present height?

Uh...I can't remember. Maybe 14?

23.) What type of food have you eaten the most of, would you guess? Pizza? Chicken?

Well, definitely not pizza, since I didn't try it until I was 18. Probably chicken or bread in all of its glorious, glorious forms.

24.) Have you given much thought as to what you'd eat for your last meal?

Yes! Assuming I could even choke anything down, knowing that death was imminent, here's what I'd have: pizza, old-fashioned sugar cream pie, a hamburger (ketchup, mustard, and pickles only), french fries, a piece of almond biscotti cheesecake, a glazed donut with lemon filling, a piece of G's mom's famous cheesecake, filet mignon, chicken fettucini alfredo from Pizza Hut (I know, I know, but it's actually really good!), blue moon ice cream, a Coke, chicken katsu and curry from House of Curry, teriyaki steak, steamed rice, jyaga bata Calbee potato chips, blueberry pancakes, and a handful of Valium. Then I would promptly explode.

25.) What movies haven't you seen that most people have?

Several classics like Casablanca, Citizen Kane, It's A Wonderful Life, and Gone with the Wind, but I've heard so much about them that I feel like I HAVE seen them. I also haven't seen either of the Sex and the City movies, but I honestly think I'd rather sit through The Human Centipede. "Oooh, let's go shopping for shoes and then talk about babies and boys over cosmos, girls!" No fucking thanks.

Actually, according to a list of the 50 highest-grossing films of all time, I haven't seen 8 of them: Ice Age, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, The DaVinci Code, The Matrix Reloaded, Transformers, Ice Age: The Meltdown, and Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

And I ain't gonna see any of those, either. Talk about a steaming pile of shit!