10 things I wish I could tell my teenaged self

I've been cleaning out closets in preparation for the impending move, and in the process, I found the diaries I kept from the ages of 15-18.  If you're imagining small books with gilded pages and a tiny, easily broken lock, you are very mistaken.  No, these were three-ring binders packed with so many handwritten pages they could barely close.  I'm guessing, all told, there are at least one thousand pages.  No, I'm not kidding.

Anyway, I've spent the last couple of nights reading them (hey, I'm in quarantine, what else am I going to do?), and they're absolutely making my heart ache in both good and bad ways.  I laughed when I read about the canned food drive caper, in which our rival homeroom stole our donations to try to win the prize and our homeroom teacher got into a nose-to-nose argument with THEIR homeroom teacher.  I smiled over memories of my first "real" concert (Marc Almond; I mentioned in huge letters that the tickets were "TWENTY-ONE BUCKS A PIECE, I NEED TO TAKE OUT A LOAN!!!"), the prom, late night coffee and cigarettes with my friend/crush J, going to the state spelling bee and placing sixth.  And I grimaced over recollections of my long-time best friend getting into crystal meth and becoming an awful person, unrequited crushes, the deaths of my grandparents, and family fights.

I know this isn't exactly a novel idea, but I wish I could go back in time and tell my former self a few things.  Assuming the butterfly effect was a factor, and I couldn't change things lest me telling one of my bullies to fuck off somehow led to WWIII, I would at least like to tell my younger self a few things in hopes of easing her emotional burden somewhat.

1. Mom's back pain is something really bad.  You have less than 10 years left with her; spend them being kind to her.  Tell her you love her every single day.

2. Your internalized misogyny is making my heart hurt.  Just because a girl is with a boy you like or is wearing a skirt shorter than you would, that doesn't make her a bitch or a c--- or a slutmonkey.  I saw what you wrote about Gloria Steinem being one of your heroines, so what the fuck are you doing?  Stop it!

3. I know it really hurt when J moved away and didn't keep in touch.  I know he broke your heart.  Please forgive him.  He's never going to return your affections in the way you'd like, because (surprise!) he's gay and struggling with it, but believe it or not, you two are going to be friends well into adulthood.  We actually had an hour-long text conversation the other night!

4. Speaking of which, sort of, you're not in love with your female coworker; you're mistaking admiration and desperate envy of what you consider to be her perfect life for love.  BUT!  When you wrote "I don't know if I'm gay or straight"?  Girl, in 2020 we call that bisexual erasure.  You can like both.  It's fine!

5. It's not okay that your youth pastor rubbed your shoulders while you were erasing the whiteboard.  It's not okay that your English teacher told you that one of your classmates had an abortion and that another one was molested; that's not "hot gossip", that's a horrific betrayal of trust.  (At least you didn't share it with anyone else.  Good for you!)  It's not okay that your economics teacher constantly talked about gay people using horrific slurs.  It's not okay that your history teacher said to you, when you were tardy, "The next time you're late I'm spanking you in front of everyone!"  It's not okay.

6. The way Dad talks to you sometimes is not okay.  Even when you're being a brat and rolling your eyes or talking back, his reaction is way out of proportion.  I promise you, as soon as you leave the house, your relationship will get much better, but I am telling you right now...YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.  And no, I don't know why Mom sits there quietly while he says the things he says.  If I were to guess, she's scared of him too.  That's not okay either.  Don't assume all men are like him, because they're not.

7. Yes, your brother is weird and frustrating.  What you don't know now, and won't for quite some time, is that he's autistic.  Try to be kinder to him.

8. You're not going to get into any of your dream colleges.  Sorry, but your math grades really WILL come back to bite you in the ass.  It's okay, though!  The college you eventually attend will be perfect for you.

9. You are FUNNY!  I've laughed so many times reading what you wrote.  I can't really explain what the internet is, because you'll think I'm making it up, but you will make people laugh on it sometimes.  It's your best quality, so use it! 

10.  "I want to die."  Yes, you have had a pretty rotten adolescence, there's no question about it.  Before I started reading the diaries, I thought maybe I had built it up to be much worse than it really was, and no.  I didn't.  I'm so sorry so many things sucked for you.  I'm so sorry that Dad is emotionally abusive, and Mom is sick so often, and you and your brother fight constantly, and that your long-time best friend is going to wild out and become someone you don't even recognize anymore.  I'm sorry about the bullies.  I'm sorry about your heart being broken so many times.

And I don't want to sugarcoat it.  Things are going to get even worse, but I swear to you they eventually get better.  So much better!  You're going to pack up a U-Haul with your friend and move back to California after 10 years in a very cold state.  Eventually you'll move out and get your own place, filled with all your things and decorated just how you want it, and it will be magical and you will love it.  Video games are going to be so much cooler, even the ones you can play at home!  You'll be able to watch porn and cat videos and talk to awesome strangers and be able to download a book or a magazine in a matter of seconds and be able to read them on the internet!  (Sorry, I said I couldn't explain it properly, but you're going to really like it.  You will never have a good excuse to be bored again!)  You're going to go to some incredible places, like Japan (twice!) and France and Iceland and Bermuda. And best of all, you're going to find the love of your life.  It will take a while, longer than you might like, but he's SO worth the wait, I promise.  Pinky swear.

Hang on, kid.  It ain't all orgasms and ice cream from here on out, but you'll be happy you stuck around.