Saturday, December 17, 2005

waxing poetic

Man, do I love me some early dismissal! I burned up the last two hours of my personal time today and went straight to a small outdoor mall near the Merry Mansion. First of all, I went to Sears because I had to piss like a racehorse. From there, I dropped off my beloved mary janes (is that supposed to be capitalized when you're referring to shoes? How about marijuana?) for a shine and reheeling, and then I stopped in my tracks and stared.

The tacky Patrick Nagelesque art on the door beckoned me inside.

"Wax my ass!" I demanded, slamming my fist on the counter.

Okay, I didn't slam my fist, nor did I ask for my ass to be waxed, unless by ass you mean eyebrows. Actually, and much less colorfully, I said "I'd like a wax, please."

Here I pause for a second to reiterate how much I dislike my eyebrows, as they look like little Hitler mustaches perched above my eyes. I've only had them professionally waxed twice before: once by a German woman in a white lab coat ("Achtung! Your brows, so unkempt!") and once by a woman who was a dead ringer for Daddy-O's clingy ex-girlfriend Legs. The first one did a decent job, but the second one waxed and tweezed and plucked my brows within an inch of their hairy little lives. "You can fill in the spaces with a nice eyebrow pencil!" she chirped.

Do I look like a chola to you? Is my name Sad Girl or Mousie? Mi vida not-so-loca doesn't involve drawing my fucking eyebrows in every morning.

I digress. (In other breaking news, shit stinks!)

So the aesthetician took me to a back room, closed and locked (??) the door, and said, "Okay, jeans and panties off, please."


"I, uh, I think there's been a misunderstanding," I said meekly. "I just want my eyebrows waxed."

"Oh, no Brazilian?"


"No, just the eyebrows, please."

"Oh, sorry. Eyeglasses off, please, and hop on table."

It only took about five minutes, and it really didn't hurt all that much---well, considering that hot wax and tweezers were involved. I regarded my reflection in the mirror she handed me and was most impressed with her mad waxin' skillz. Once the redness and swelling goes away, Ima look awesome!

"Oh, I do facials too, so let me give you my card." I accepted the card, and she added, "Not that you need much done. Your skin so beautiful. You what, twenty-nine?"

Yeah, she got an extra buck in her tip for that one.

And, and, and! Not only did I get my eyebrows tamed, but I found the perfect New Year's Eve ensemble in Old Navy...on sale even. It's a black top with fluttery sheer sleeves and a matching black skirt with a tulle overlay and a black sequin design around the hem.


And, and, and, and! Not only did I get my eyebrows tamed and find the perfect New Year's Eve ensemble in Old Navy on sale even, but I got spam musubi takeout at the Hawaiian barbecue place!

Spam spam beautiful spam

I bought two pieces and a side of steamed rice, and I went home and gobbled it down like it was going out of style. And it was so fatty and so salty and so, so very good.

...what? Hey, sometimes a girl's gotta get her pork on.