Wednesday, January 23, 2008

it's hard out here for a shrimp

Guys, I just don't know what the deal is with Bruiser. I'll look in the Ecosphere and he'll be on his back or side, and then a couple of hours later, he'll be daintily picking scuzz off the glass. I looked in the care manual to see if there was any explanation for his weird behavior, but nada.

Any shrimp experts in the hizzy?

Yesterday at work, Giggles was on a personal call (shocker) and I heard her suddenly exclaim, “WHO died?!?”

By the way she said it, I could tell it was a celebrity and not a personal acquaintance, so---being the nosy sort---I went to Yahoo’s front page to find out, and I am not shitting you, I could actually feel the blood draining from my face when I saw that it was Heath Ledger.

I know they’re still not sure whether it was an accidental overdose or suicide, but whatever killed him, what an unbelievable loss of talent. I’ll always remember how good he was in The Patriot and Monster’s Ball, and how fucking PHENOMENAL he was in Brokeback Mountain, and how amazing he’s sure to be as the Joker in The Dark Knight. And, of course, I felt terrible for his family, especially the baby daughter who will never really know him, and his friends.

Well, you can imagine my disgust when I read that Fred Phelps and his gaggle of bigots are planning on picketing Heath Ledger’s funeral because he played a gay man in Brokeback Mountain, thus “furthering the gay agenda”.

You know, it’s at times like this that I really wish I were religious, because I’d love to believe there’s a special hell for these people…a hell filled with priapic devils who want nothing more than to buttfuck these morons for all eternity.

Okay, enough moping and fuming…well, for now, anyway. They announced the Oscars nominations yesterday, and we all know how much I love the Oscars (or, as [doodlebug] calls them, the gay Super Bowl). Here are my fearless predictions for the winners of this year’s major categories. Keep in mind, these are the people I think will win, and not necessarily the ones I think deserve to win.

BEST PICTURE: Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood.

MY PICK: Well, I’ve only seen two of these---Atonement and Juno---and thought they were both pretty freakin’ awesome. Daddy-O saw Michael Clayton and thought it was mediocre; R saw No Country for Old Men and thought it was fantastic up until the last half-hour. I know nothing about There Will Be Blood other than that it’s gotten terrific reviews. I’d love to see Juno win, but I think it’s probably a bit too quirky for the Academy; therefore, I predict that Atonement will take home the gold.

ACTOR: George Clooney, Michael Clayton; Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood; Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd; Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah; Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises.

MY PICK: Good lord, is this a list of Best Actor nominees or my laminated list? I mean, wow. I wouldn’t be disappointed to see any of them win, because not only do I find them all attractive as hell (see previous comment), but they’re all amazing actors. I’ve only seen Viggo’s performance, and I thought he was opinion in NO way colored by his full-frontally nude fight scene. Still, I doubt too many people saw Eastern Promises (shame, that), and I think the one to beat this time around is Daniel Day-Lewis.

(And aw, no love for James McAvoy for Atonement? Poor Mr. Tumnus! Come here and rest your wee Scottish haid on me bosom, lad.)

ACTRESS: Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age; Julie Christie, Away from Her; Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose; Laura Linney, The Savages; Ellen Page, Juno.

MY PICK: I would love to see Ellen Page take this, both because I have such a wild girlcrush on her and because she’s so damn good. It’s going to be Julie Christie, though.

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford; Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men; Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild; Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War; Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton.

MY PICK: The only real shoo-in this year is Javier Bardem.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There; Ruby Dee, An American Gangster; Saoirse Ronan, Atonement; Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone; Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton.

MY PICK: Man, I can’t decide between Cate Blanchett or Amy Ryan on this one. But Cate played Bob Dylan, so I’m going with her.

DIRECTOR: Julian Schabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly; Jason Reitman, Juno; Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton, Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men; Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood.

MY PICK: Um…er...Paul Thomas Anderson.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Christopher Hampton, Atonement; Sarah Polley, Away from Her; Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly; Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men; Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood.

MY PICK: Um…er...Christopher Hampton.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Diablo Cody, Juno; Nancy Oliver, Lars and the Real Girl; Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton; Brad Bird, Jan Pinkava, and Jim Capobianco, Ratatouille; Tamara Jenkins, The Savages.

MY PICK: Diablo Cody, although even if she wins, she’ll never shed that “ex-stripper” tag that every fucking article shoves in front of her name. She’ll just become “Diablo Cody, ex-stripper and Oscar winner”.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: Persepolis; Ratatouille; Surf’s Up.

MY PICK: Okay, what the fuck with Surf’s Up? REALLY, guys? You nominated a movie that’s basically "Happy Feet on the beach" over The Simpsons Movie, the breathtaking Beowulf, or the gorgeously animated mindfuck Paprika? I’ll grudgingly forgive you, but only because you didn’t nominate Bee Movie by the aggressively unfunny Jerry Seinfeld. Fuck Jerry Seinfeld and fuck his recipe plagiarizing, Louboutin-gifting bitch wife, too.

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, I used to think any Pixar movie was an automatic win, but that was before Happy Feet won over Cars. Still, Ratatouille will take this one, both because of its sweet, funny script and its gorgeous animation.

I don’t have the energy to type up the rest of the categories and nominees, so I’ll leave you with this horrifying tidbit of information:

Norbit can now legitimately call itself an Oscar-nominated movie.

Sobering, eh?