Saturday, February 16, 2008

I could dress in black and read Camus

Survey time, yanked from Debbie! I left out a couple of questions and fixed a few grammatical errors (not hers).

Your ex is on fire on the side of the road. What do you do? Call the fire department. Ass Taco was, well, an ass taco, but not to the point of deserving massive bodily injury.

When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face? Last week, Mean Grandma asked my coworker J a question. J didn’t hear her because she had her headphones on, so in an effort to be helpful, I answered the question. Mean Grandma said, “J?” and I repeated the answer. Mean Grandma said, in the snottiest tone of voice I’ve ever heard from someone that wasn’t a 12-year-old girl, said, “Yeah, I heard you. I was talking to J.” Well, fuck you too, lady! I was so tempted to go to the store, buy a bottle of Downy Wrinkle Releaser, and leave it on her desk with a note saying “For your face”.

What are you craving right now? Ice cream, Spam musubi, and a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. No, I am not pregnant.

What was the last thing you cried about? That Pedigree commercial with the shelter dogs. It’s shamelessly manipulative, but it seriously reduces me to tears.

Scariest thing you’ve experienced in the past year? On the serious front, health scares for various loved ones; on the lighter front, for weeks after coming back from Key West, I kept waking up absolutely fucking convinced that Robert the Doll was in my room. God, just thinking about it right now is creeping me out.

Are you happy right now? In general, yes. I have an awesome boyfriend, a wonderful family, and cool friends. There’s a huge pile of books on my coffee table, including The Serpent’s Tale by Ariana Franklin, which I’ve been dying to read. I have a three-day weekend to look forward to. Things aren’t all orgasms and ice cream, but overall, life is good. Personal happiness score on a scale of one to ten: 7.

What was the last movie you watched at home? Shoot ‘Em Up, which was seriously awesome. Any movie in which Clive Owen stabs a guy in the eye with a carrot automatically gets a star.

What’s in your pocket? It’s 1:15AM, so I’m rocking the woobs. I’ll take a tip from Debbie and tell you what’s in my purse instead: several pens, a glasses cleaning cloth, fortune cookie slips, Advil, a hairbrush, tissues, oil blotting sheets, a Lookin’ Good for Jesus mirror, sunglasses, keys (apartment, mailbox, car), small notebook, stamps, Dr Pepper lip balm, cell phone, a Baskin Robbins gift certificate, iPod, and wallet. Inside the wallet: $23 and change (which I refuse to count; I ain’t that bored), driver’s license, two credit cards, ATM card, various loyalty cards, car insurance card, two library cards.

What about your favorite dessert? My absolute favorite dessert of all time is old-fashioned sugar cream pie, which can only be found in Indiana. This is actually a good thing, or otherwise I’d never eat anything else, become housebound, and have to wash myself with a rag on a stick. The four runners up, in no particular order: Madre’s cheesecake, the almond biscotti cheesecake from Wood Ranch, the orgasmic Caramello di Noce at Fiamma’s in the MGM Grand, and the crepe I had in Japan that was stuffed with cheesecake, whipped cream, and caramel. I count ice cream separately, and my five favorite flavors are blue moon, Ben & Jerry’s Uncanny Cashew, B&J’s Cinnamon Buns, pistachio, and Cold Stone Creamery sweet cream with cookie dough mixed in. I’ve mentioned that gluttony is my favorite deadly sin, yes?

Where do you hurt? For the last couple of days, my right hip has been bothering me a little bit. This of course sets off all my paranoid alarms: “Oh my god, I’m going to have to get a hip replacement just like Dad!”

What are you going to do after this? Probably go to bed.

Do you know anyone in prison? No, but my mom spent the night in jail once. She and her friends were out cruising and causing mischief, and they got picked up by the cops, who decided to put them in jail overnight to teach them a lesson. Of course, this was in Warsaw, Indiana, in the early 60’s, so we’re not talking Oz here. Daddy-O used to tease her mercilessly about being a jailbird.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Doubtful. Everyone I know is probably in bed, as I should be.

But first, iTunes shuffle time! Here are the first 50 songs to pop up on shuffle.

1. “Love Missile F1-11” by Sigue Sigue Sputnik: Best known as the song playing when Ferris Bueller is taking a shower.
2. “Nightingale” by Norah Jones
3. “This Town” by Hot Hot Heat
4. “The Sound of Settling” by Death Cab for Cutie
5. “Moonlight Sonata” as performed by Emil Gilels
6. “Honey Power” by My Bloody Valentine
7. “When You’re Good to Mama” by Queen Latifah: Recently on Jezebel, someone said that they refer to their vagina as “Queen Laqueefa”, and I swear I laughed for a solid ten minutes.
8. “Here In Your Bedroom” by Goldfinger
9. “Rain of Brass Petals” from Silent Hill 3
10. “Hideaway” by Erasure
11. “Not Too Soon” by Throwing Muses
12. “The Ballad of Chasey Lain” by the Bloodhound Gang
13. “Life” by Akira Yamaoka
14. “Blue Knife (Kitty-N’s Theme)” from Bust a Groove
15. “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Taco (hush!)
16. “Painter Song” by Norah Jones
17. “Crash Burn” by Blues Traveler
18. “Ankle Injuries” by Fujiya & Miyagi
19. “Lose Your Love” by Blancmange
20. “Invisible Man” by The Breeders
21. “Confluence” from Memoirs of a Geisha
22. “Dead” by The Pixies
23. “Man in the Long Black Coat” by Joan Osborne
24. “Basket Case” by EON
25. “Love Glove” by Visage
26. “Addicted” by Truth Hurts
27. “The Devil’s Right Hand” by Steve Earle
28. “Loneliest China Place” by Chainsaw Kittens
29. “Independent Love Song” by Scarlett
30. “Too Much Time on My Hands” by Styx
31. “Je t’Aime Je t’Aime” by TommyFebruary6
32. “Crazy Town” by Velocity Girl
33. “Stars Are Blind” by Paris Hilton (IT WAS A FREE DOWNLOAD GODDAMMIT)
34. “Theme from Somewhere in Time” by John Barry
35. “Say Goodbye” by Theory of a Deadman
36. “White Noise” from Silent Hill 2
37. “Saturday Night” by Ned’s Atomic Dustbin
38. “Impaled” from Devil May Cry
39. “Under My Thumb” by the Rolling Stones
40. “The Minute Waltz” as performed by Jean-Marc Luisada
41. “I Don’t Want to Get Over You” by Magnetic Fields: This is where the entry title comes from.
42. “Gone Daddy Gone” by Gnarls Barkley: The following picture of the band made me howl with delight.

43. “Panic” by The Smiths
44. “Guest List” by the Eels
45. “Planet Earth” by Duran Duran
46. “Our Lips Are Sealed” by the Go-Go’s
47. “Sense” by the Lightning Seeds
48. “I Could Be Happy” by Altered Images
49. “Such Great Heights” by the Postal Service
50. “Summer Kisses, Winter Tears” by Julee Cruise

It can be beds time now.