I was a teenage misfit

Today is the Cube Farm’s anniversary, so they had a big shindig which involved lots and lots of surprisingly good food. I gorged on teriyaki steak and jasmine rice. And not only did they have dessert at lunch, but they served cake about two hours later.

And then a company who’s trying to get back in our good graces after seriously fucking up a major project sent a huge basket of cookies and brownies, which is located literally fifteen feet away from my desk.

Needless to say, I’m about two brain waves away from slipping into a food coma. I can barely even walk; I’m just sort of shuffling like a zombie with better skin. I’m kicking myself for wearing jeans today and not one of my skirts with an elastic waistband.

Anyway, my brain’s pilot light has died out, and even though my job could be done by a cheerleader with a head injury, I lack both the energy and desire to work anymore. I’m so grateful for this meme I just found called the Ninth Grade Survey. I took out a few questions, so if you plan on doing this survey yourself, you might want to look for the complete survey elsewhere.

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Who was your best friend?

I, uh…well, I didn’t really have one. When we first moved to Southern California, I befriended the girl next door. R was two years older than me and shared my love of cats, giggling over nothing, Lisa Frank folders, and later on, Duran Duran. But by the time I reached high school, she had started to date and get into some really heavy drugs, so we didn’t really hang out anymore.

Who did you “go out” with?

Nobody. Prom was my first real date.

Did you have a crush on anyone?

Oh yeah. I continued carrying a torch for Spock, who was the one bright spot in the dank cesspool of bullying and teenage angst that was junior high. I also had a crush on a really goofy guy named S. He worked at Thrifty’s (now called CVS), so I used to go there as often as possible. I’d buy pistachio almond ice cream cones and talk to him while he priced items and made me laugh. Then there was B, who had dreamy blue eyes and really nice legs. He was a Christian, and one day he invited me to church, so of course I went. This kicked off a (thankfully) brief born-again phase. I put an ad in our school paper asking him to Sadie Hawkins, and he said no. I returned to theological fence-sitting.

What sports did you play?

None; I was a French Club kind of gal.

Did you buy your lunch?

No, I brought it from home. It was usually a sandwich or cup of yogurt and a can of Coke. Since I had no friends, and eating by myself would invite ridicule, I ate while locked in a bathroom stall. I’d throw the trash away in the sanitary napkin disposal container, and then I’d go in the library and read for the rest of my lunch hour.

Yes, I know this is sad as hell.

Did you skip?

No, but I had the occasional “migraine” or “stomachache”.

Were you in any fist fights?

No. I saw quite a few, though, including one that spilled out into the street, nearly causing a major traffic accident.

What was your favorite class?

English. I also enjoyed French, except the teacher was this hideous woman with garish dyed red hair and a mean streak.

If you could go back, would you?

Oh, sure! I’d love to have lunch in a bathroom stall again and have people pin me down and rub dead leaves in my hair. I certainly enjoyed that.

Then again, if I could go back and talk to myself without completely fucking up the time/space continuum, I would say, “Okay, self, listen up. You’re going to go through some shit in your life that makes this look like orgasms and ice cream. But guess what? Eventually you’re going to be really, really happy. You’re going to travel to some amazing places, make awesome friends, and have a boyfriend who totally gets you. So have faith, and while you’re at it, be nicer to Mom.”

Was there a smoking lounge?

Not that I can remember.

Did you think you were cool?

Um, no.

Describe your outfits in ninth grade.

There are only two I remember very well. One was a red plaid flannel shirt that I wore with jeans and red suede pixie boots that made me look like a lesbian lumberjack. (Oddly enough, this was the one thing that I could understand being mocked for, and nobody ever said a word about it.) The other was a blue Smiths “Hatful of Hollow” shirt that I wore until it got so thin you could practically see through it.

Did you have a cell phone?

Oh, honey child, no. These things did not exist in the dark ages of the 80’s.

Who was your favorite teacher?

I really liked my Discussion/Debate teacher. He fell into disgrace several years later; he had an affair with a student who got pregnant and had an abortion at his urging. Consumed by guilt, she went to the police. Perversely, I was rather pissed that he never hit on me.

What were your best accomplishments?

Surviving.

What did you spend the most time doing on weekends?

Reading.

Did you make any lifelong friendships?

No. I’m still friends with Spock, but we met in 7th (8th?) grade, so that doesn’t count.

Get invited to any proms?

No, as that would have involved interest from the opposite sex. For some reason, I thought S (see question #3) was going to ask me to prom, but he didn’t.

How many years ago was ninth grade for you?

23. Now get off my lawn!