Saturday, November 21, 2009

full frontal fail

After a clusterfuck week that included more work nightmares and the sad news from K that our "co-cat" Sneakers passed away (rest in peace, sweet tank kitty), I needed a little levity in my life.

Oh, did I say "levity"? I meant Levi.

As in Johnston.

As in the celebutard who knocked up Sarah Palin's teenage daughter and then posed for Playgirl.

Now, I knew there was no way in hell I was gonna pay for something that I'd eventually see for free, but I sure as shit didn't expect the pictures to leak (which is a terrible word to use in the context of nude photos) literally moments after being posted on Playgirl's site.

I ain't gonna post any of them here, because the last thing I need is to be sued by Playgirl (though think of the anecdotes!). But I will point you to Oh No They Didn't. You may have to wade through a few pages of comments to see all the pictures, but if you care enough, then I doubt you'll mind.

My personal take on the photos?

::pause to put on my porn reviewin' hat::

Where is the goddamn PEEN?

Seriously, for $100k the boy couldn't be arsed to show us his babymaker? If someone offered me that much money to pose fully nude, first I'd wonder if they had a mental disorder, and then secondly, assuming they were a legitimate operation and not some lunatic who's making a ladysuit, of course I'd do it! I'd have all sorts of conditions---Cristal and Voluspa Santiago Huckleberry candles in the (un)dressing room, tasteful poses, liberal use of the Bulge Erase tool in Photoshop---but I'd do it. I wouldn't show no goddamn pink for $100k, but a bit of fluff? Sure!

But I gotta say, the pictures are awfully cute. I can't imagine anyone looking at them and then feverishly frigging themselves, but then again, I can't imagine anyone jerking it to scat porn either, so vive la difference. He looks kind of embarrassed and awkward, showing off his flat butt and holding a skimpy handtowel in front of the goods. It's sweet. Twink lovers and teenage girls will be enthralled.

Somewhere, Sarah Palin is grinding her teeth in rage over these pictures. And that, my friends, gives me a much bigger boner than Levi's pictures ever will.