Friday, October 28, 2011

kids today

I forgot my lunch today because I am dumb, so I decided to walk over to the nearby shopping center and pick up some Chinese food.

Now, before I get to the meat of this story, a bit of explanation. There's a high school just down the street from the Cube Farm, and they often cut through our parking lot to get to the shopping center, especially around lunch time.

Anyway, I wound up walking behind a group of teenage boys, probably 15 years old or thereabouts, though I'm terrible at guessing ages so for all I know they were coworkers taking casual day to an extreme. I dunno, I didn't have time to carbon date them.

I'm going to be totally honest here: hordes of teenagers, especially boys, make me nervous as all fuck. You might think that's because I'm an Old, and that's partially true, but I was scared of them even when I was their age. It's just that when you throw together a group of testosterone-fueled boys with constant boners who want to show off for their friends, not much good will come of it.

And oh, these kids! Here's a partial transcript of their conversation.

"Dude, so how much do you think it would cost to get someone to shave my butthole?"

"YOUR butthole, you hairy swamp-ass motherfucker? Not enough money in the world!"

"Aw, fuck you. How much to get you to eat one of my dingleberries?"

"Yeah, um, speaking of not enough money in the world. But I'd eat one of [female name I didn't recognize; probably a classmate]'s for free!"

It continued on in this charming vein until I got to the Chinese place. I placed my order, sat down for a few minutes, and scrolled through my phone while I waited. When they called my name, I got up, paid, grabbed my food, and turned to walk out the door...

...just as they walked in.

Great, I thought, but then one of them actually stood aside and held the door open for me! I was stunned, but managed to compose myself long enough to say, "Oh, thanks!"

"No prob," he said, and as the door began to slowly close behind me, I heard one of his friends derisively snort and say "Pussy."

"It doesn't make you a pussy to hold a door open for a lady, it makes you a fuckin' BOSS."

Seriously, I wanted to go back inside and get his parents' phone number so I could call them and say, "Hey, your son's got a filthy mouth, but he's all right! You done good." Between him and the teenager who stood up for me at Barnes & Noble a couple of months ago, I think maybe we don't give teenagers enough credit these days.

I'm still gonna yell if I see them on my lawn, though.