Wednesday, June 06, 2012

I cover crime in Vallejo (EDIT with answers)

EDIT: Now with answers and assorted babbling! If a movie I quoted is in my top ten of all time, I made a note of it.

Once again stealing from the estimable [Amandear], I bring to you the movie quote quiz! This is a selection of quotes from some of my absolute favorite movies, as well as a sprinkling of quotes from movies I've seen this year and two bonus quotes, one in the title and one from a movie I haven't seen yet, but will be seeing as soon as humanly possible.

No Googling because it makes Baby Jesus/Baby Ganesh/Baby Deity of Your Choice/Your Favorite Person If You're An Atheist cry.

1. “No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort!”

ANSWER: 50/50

2. “Baby, you came out of the closet, you stole your dad's car, and you ran off with the school whore. You're already dead."

ANSWER: Dirty Girl

3. CHARACTER X: "You should ask someone else. There's no happy ending with me."

CHARACTER Y: "I still want to hear it."

ANSWER: This is Roy and Alexandria from The Fall. Here are the opening credits (and just so you know, the vast majority of the movie is in color and has spoken dialogue):

I was instantly hooked. Even if I hadn't been, the mere fact that David Fincher and Spike Jonze went to bat for this movie would have kept me watching. If you've never seen it and you're willing to keep an open mind, give it a try and let me know what you think. Just be sure to give it a fair chance; G wasn't digging it until about halfway through, and then he wound up giving it 5 stars on Netflix. (Top 10)

4. "Would you like a lolly? Strawberry or fuck you?"

ANSWER: Killer Elite

5. "I'm a fat geek, okay? I know what a zombie is."

ANSWER: Young Adult

6. "You phony prick fraudulent motherfucker. Do something! Come on! Prove it! Fuck faith! Earn it! Show me something real! I need it now. Not later. Now! Show me and I'll believe in You until the day I die...fuck it, I'll do it myself."

ANSWER: The Grey

7. "Yeah I'm for pussy!"

ANSWER: A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

8. "Better clench up, Legolas."

ANSWER: This is Iron Man talking to Hawkeye in The Avengers. I'm very glad nobody guessed one of the Lord of the Rings movies or I would have had to block them. (Okay, not really, but it would have given me such a sad.)

9. "I fucking hate Goldfrapp."

ANSWER: Hard Candy

10. "I like her red hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes."

ANSWER: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

11. "Excuse me...who are you? Excuse me...who are you?"

ANSWER: Satoshi Kon's brilliant anime film Perfect Blue, aka the movie that Black Swan ripped off like a motherfucker. (The fact that Darren Aronofsky bought the remake rights to Perfect Blue years before Black Swan came out cannot possibly be a coincidence.)

Side note: My brother and I actually saw this in a Parisian movie theater in 1999. I can't remember why, but practically everything was closed on that day and we were tired from walking, so when I saw a theater playing this I freaked the hell out and insisted we see it. For some reason---probably the fact that I'm a moron---I thought it would have English subtitles and French dubbing or vice versa. Um, no; it had the original Japanese dialogue and French subtitles. I took 4 years of French in high school and 1 in college, so I was able to follow along fairly well thanks to the subtitles, but my poor brother was bored as fuck.

12. "It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus."

ANSWER: Sideways. I didn't want to do the "I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!" quote because it was too obvious. (Top 10)

13. "The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch."

ANSWER: 500 Days of Summer

14. "My friends, you bow to no one."

ANSWER: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. I was absolutely sobbing in the theater. (Top 10)

15. "Okay, you cunts...let's see what you can do now."

ANSWER: Hit Girl's first line in Kick-Ass. Speaking of which, OH MY GOD JESUS CHRIST, they're making a sequel! Allegedly. That rumor's been bumping around for a while, and then it got debunked, and then it popped up again when Mark Millar, the creator of the graphic novel, said that he's working on the script. I mean, I'll have to actually be sitting in a theater waiting for it to start until I believe it's real, but a spark of hope has kindled in my darkened heart! (Top 10)

16. "The summer I was 8 years old, five hours disappeared from my life. Five hours. Lost. Gone without a trace."

ANSWER: Mysterious Skin, the movie that put Joseph Gordon-Levitt on my radar. Great book, fantastic movie.

17. "Shit...Shinola."

ANSWER: The Jerk

18. "Remember the bad guys on the shows you used to watch on Saturday mornings? Well, these guys aren't like those guys. They won't exercise restraint because you are children. They WILL kill you if they get the chance. Do not give them that chance."

ANSWER: The Incredibles. I was stunned (in a good way) that this dialogue appeared in a movie for kids. This is my favorite Pixar movie, and also in my top 10.

19. "You will see me one more time, if you do good. You will see me two more times, if you do bad. Good night."

ANSWER: Mulholland Drive. (Top 10)

20. "We have a whole life to live together, you fucker, but it can't start until you call!"

ANSWER: Me, You, and Everyone We Know (Top 10)

21. "Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame."

ANSWER: Clerks

22. "After my divorce, I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs - mostly the jobs we call blow. I had lost my job at the base PX, and I had lost my gag reflex. You do the math."

ANSWER: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Top 10)

23. "Hey, Pops. What are you doing there? Whacking off to the E! Channel again?"

ANSWER: Running Scared. Not the one with Gregory Hines, but the one with the mindblowingly gorgeous Paul Walker. God, this movie is fucking awesome. It has Paul Walker going down on Vera Farmiga, more profanity than clean words, creepy Tim Burtonesque ending credits, and the most justified use of vigilante violence I've ever seen in a movie. It is an absolute must!

Now I'm in the mood to watch it again. Totally popping that on my Netflix queue right now.

24. "High school's better than junior high. They'll still call you names, but not so much to your face."

ANSWER: Welcome to the Dollhouse (Top 10)

25. "You're taking a picture of yourself at Ground Zero: do you smile?"

ANSWER: Shortbus

BONUS QUOTE: "Who are you killing next? Do you take requests? Because I was thinking maybe some Kardashians, my gym coach. People who give high fives. Really, any jock. Twihards. People who talk about punk rock. Who else really rips my cock off? Oh, Mormons and other religious assholes who won't let gay people be married. And adult women who call their tits the girls."

ANSWER: God Bless America. I saw the trailer and it looks like Idiocracy had a baby with Natural Born Killers. It comes out on DVD next month and I can't wait to see it.

TITLE QUOTE: Zodiac. As long as we're on the subject of unjustly ignored movies, see this one. It made less than half of its budget back and didn't get a single fucking Oscar nomination, which is a crime. I mean, come on, it's got Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, AND Robert Downey Jr. in it and it was directed by David Fincher! Yeah, it's almost 2 1/2 hours, but it's so engrossing it flies by. Another movie that gets my highest recommendation.