Friday, May 17, 2013

the last 10 movies I didn't finish watching, pt. 3

This feature was popular the last two times I did it, so here it is again.  As the title states, this is a list of the last 10 movies I didn't finish watching (according to my Netflix account history) and why they didn't cut the mustard.

Disclaimer:  Just because a movie shows up on here doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad movie.  I always try to give a movie at least 20-30 minutes to hook me, but my attention span has gotten grievously short as I've gotten older, so some of these may have gotten shorter shrift than usual.  If there's a movie you see on here that you enjoyed and think I gave up on too quickly, please feel free to argue a case for it.

1. Alex Cross:  In this movie based on James Patterson's popular character, Alex Cross (Tyler Perry, thankfully skipping the Madea fatsuit that made him famous) tries to track down a scarily gaunt serial killer played by Matthew "Jack from Lost" Fox.

Here's something you need to know about G:  he is a notorious completionist, and something has to be MAJORLY shitty for him to give up on it.  About 30 minutes in, we mutually agreed to eject the DVD and watch Game of Thrones instead, which is a solid life choice for pretty much any situation but especially when Alex Cross is your other option.  It was like somebody ran the script through software that added a cliche every two minutes.  (At one point, G said "Now it's personal!" in a booming voice and oh we did laugh and laugh.)  And although Matthew Fox turns in a decently creepy performance, everybody else sucked.

2. Norman:  A perfectly healthy teenage boy tells everybody that he has terminal cancer.  Why?  Because it's an indie movie that wants to be deep and edgy and merely succeeds in making you hate the everloving shit out of everybody in it.

3. L!fe Happens:  A woman (Krysten Ritter) instantly hits it off with a hunky dude, but she conveniently forgets to mention that she has a baby.  Oopsie!  Annoying characters + bad decisions + the !ncred!bly !rr!tat!ng decision to use an exclamation point instead of an "I" in the title = back to Netflix you go.

4. The Bay:  A parasite infects a seaside town during its 4th of July celebration.  Oh noes!  I stopped watching this due to lots of shaky cam (which usually leads to me barfing) and craptacular performances.  The parasite, which looks like a giant mutated albino pillbug, is pretty nasty looking, though.

5. Cosmopolis:  Robert Pattinson plays a Wall Street gazillionaire who gets stuck in traffic during Occupy Wall Street protests.  At one point he receives a prostate exam in his limo, which would be preferable to watching this movie from beginning to end.

6. LolliLove:  In this mockumentary starring Jenna Fischer and then-husband James Gunn (director of the awesomely gross Slither) play a yuppie couple who decide the best way to help the homeless is to give them lollipops with inspirational wrappers.  The satire falls flatter than a slab of stale matzoh.

7. All Superheroes Must Die:  Four superheroes are stripped of their powers by a villain who forces them to undergo several challenges with deadly consequences if they fail.  Interesting premise, excruciatingly bad execution.  About the only enjoyable part was watching the dude who plays Harry on Dexter chomp through the scenery like a termite on meth.  This is another movie that even G gave up on.

8. That's What She Said:  A foul, vulgar "comedy" about unappealing women doing obnoxious things.  One of them has a yeast infection, which is appropriate because this is the cinematic equivalent.

9. The Guilt Trip:  Barbra Streisand trades Yentl for yenta in this shrill comedy that plays on all the worst stereotypes of a Jewish mother.  She accompanies her son (Seth Rogen) on a road trip; hijinks ensue.  If you've ever desperately wanted to see Barbra Streisand plow through an enormous steak, well, that's weird but here you go.  I ain't gonna say a word; I read Hannigram slash fics, for chrissakes.  (And if you didn't have to google that term, YOU CANNOT JUDGE ME OKAY.)

10. Burning Bright:  Briana "Yes My Dad Is Greg" Evigan plays a young woman whose asshole stepfather cleans out her bank account and uses it to buy a tiger.  Then a hurricane hits and traps her and her autistic little brother in the house with the tiger, who's seriously salted.  It was okay, but after the billionth shot of Briana (I can't remember her character's name) tremulously peering around a corner, I was like "okay this is getting old" and left it on in the background while I played yet another round of Tri Peaks, the mystifyingly addictive solitaire game that came preloaded on my new laptop.  I did look up again when SPOILER ALERT the tiger made a tasty meal of Asshole Stepfather, but then it was over and I was all yay.