the Saga of the Cake

Have you ever heard of announcement cakes? Basically, they work like this: after getting an ultrasound, the expectant mother (or a friend or family member or partner; I don't know this theoretical person's situation GOSH) takes the unread results to a bakery. The bakery then reads the results, finds out the baby's gender, and colors the layers blue for a boy or pink for a girl. Then there's a big party and when the mother-to-be cuts into the cake, everybody finds out the gender at the same time. It's a cute idea, and of course I support anything that involves cake. All announcements should be made with cake! ("You're fired; here's a cake!" "Grandma died; have some cake!" "I'm no longer in love with you; console yourself with cake!")

But.

BUT.

One of my coworkers, L, is anxiously awaiting the birth of her first grandchild. Her son and daughter-in-law had a cake cutting ceremony yesterday morning, and they set up some sort of live stream so L could watch it.

During work hours.

At her desk.

While everybody else in my department except me and my work bestie J, who shares similar feelings on the subject (her exact words to me: "Yeah, call me when there's a basket of kittens over there"), crowded around her desk to watch.

Unfortunately, a client picked the exact moment of The Cutting to call.

ME: "Thank you for calling the Cube Farm, thi---"

My god, the screams! It sounded like a One Direction concert in here.

CLIENT: "What the hell is going on there?"

L: "IT'S A GIRL! MY FIRST GRANDBABY IS A GIRL!" (breaks into hysterical sobs)

CLIENT: "Oh, somebody's having a grandkid?"

I would like to take this moment to point out that L sits two rows away, and this dude actually HEARD her.

Anyway, the hysterical squealing and weeping went on for several minutes. Finally, unable to tolerate it any longer, I logged out and went on my morning walk 30 minutes earlier than usual.

When I got back, they were still talking about it. A verbatim quote: "Did you see the part when the knife cut through the cake?"

NO I DIDN'T BUT I BET IT WAS SO FUCKING THRILLING

"I can't believe it's a girl! A little girl!"

YES I GOT THAT PART WHEN YOU FUCKING SCREAMED IT SO LOUD THAT A GUY ON THE PHONE HEARD YOU FROM TWO AISLES AWAY

"I'm going to be a grandmother!"

NO FUCKING SHIT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

And to think that after all of this foofaraw, the cake wasn't even here! I mean, I could have tolerated this shit if I got some goddamn cake at the end, because cake. But no, all I got was a headache and my eyes rolling up in the back of my head so hard I looked like an extra from The Serpent and the Rainbow.

I shit you not, the enthralling Saga of the Cake went on all day. Just when I thought things had calmed down, somebody else would bring it up, which caused another outbreak of tears and squealing. Occasionally J and I would prairie dog over our cubes, look at each other, and quickly duck back down in our seats to hide our snickering.

Finally, at 3:30PM, L went home, and I was able to live out the rest of my work day in relative peace.

When I came in today, I figured it would be nice and calm. But I forgot that two people were out yesterday.

The video was replayed.

The squealing and tears began afresh.

The play-by-play of the video that had JUST BEEN SHOWN SECONDS BEFORE occurred.

Dante said there were nine circles of hell, but I'm here to tell you there are ten.

And that tenth circle is bright pink and strawberry-flavored and just out of reach on the other side of a computer monitor, and the screams and tears of a grandmother-to-be will be the symphony that scalds your ears for all eternity.

There will be no rest, my friends.

There will be no rest.