Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Something very unusual happened at work today, but the story requires a bit of setup, so please indulge me for a moment.

I work for a big company, although I don't want to say who; let's just say you've heard of them if you live in the US or Canada.  Our current office, which we share with two other companies, is located in a very large building that was originally intended to be a mall.  It's situated on several acres of land overlooking one of the busiest freeways in California.  Because it's very close to the high school, we get a lot of teenagers cutting through our parking lot to get to a nearby shopping center, which features many things of great interest to teenagers (and to me):  Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, a movie theater, and several restaurants of both the fast food and sit down variety. 

Now, our parking lot is huge, as you can imagine; one time, out of curiosity, I drove around the perimeter and it wound up being slightly over a mile long.  Weather permitting, I walk the entire parking lot three times a day.  It's nice to get outside and away from the constantly ringing phones and fluorescent lights, and of course, the exercise does me good.  I always take my afternoon break at 3:30, about a half hour after the high school lets out, so sometimes I'll see students cutting through our parking lot to get to the aforementioned shopping center.  To be honest, because I'm old and misanthropic, I always tense up a little when I see them, but they've never given me any problems.

And now to the story at hand.

This afternoon, I was walking around one of the more deserted stretches of the parking lot, where there's a recessed area containing an electrical box.  As I approached, I heard rustling noises, but didn't think much of it because we get a lot of squirrels, birds, and even coyotes roaming our grounds. 

Then...oh god, THEN...

...as I passed by the recessed area, I saw four legs and one pimply teenage boy ass enthusiastically pumping up and down.


Okay, listen.  You all know/"know" me well enough to know that I'm not some antisex prude, clutching her pearls into a fine dust at the mere thought of teenagers doin' it.  My personal philosophy is this:  whatever two or more consenting adults (or teenagers who are close enough in age to their partner[s] that it's not illegal/creepy) want to do, as long as they're not hurting an animal or having sex with a corpse (not that I'm upset on behalf of the corpse, but on behalf of their loved ones), then you know what?  Knock yourself out.  But I'm sorry, I did NOT consent to viewing a couple of teenagers going at it.  That's just fucking rude...or rude fucking, if you will.

So I went back inside and walked up to the security guard, who was probably about my father's age, and said, "Um, you're not going to believe me, but there are, uh, some teenagers having sex in our parking lot."


Oh god.

Blushing furiously, I repeated myself, and he said "Are you sure?"

Dude, I'm [ahem] YEARS OLD and I have Redtube in my browsing history.  Yeah, pretty sure I know what fucking looks like.

"Did you call the police?"

"I didn't have my phone with me," I said, which was true, but also: that's your job, homes!

Sighing heavily, he picked up his phone, and I returned to my desk, where I told my work bestie J what had just happened.

"You should have recorded it on your phone!" she said.

I raised an eyebrow.  "Uh, I've seen SVU, J.  I'm not in the mood for jail, thanks."

Teenagers of [city where I work], I swear I support your right to consensual, safer sex.  Just, you know, maybe find a better place to do it?