my smile is pasted on yay

A partial list of things that are bugging the ever-lovin’ fuck out of me. Language warning!

PARIS HILTON: She’s always got that “entitlement bitch” aura about her, and whenever I see a picture of her with one enormous hand on her hip and those narrowed eyes and smug smile, I want to yank out her extensions and wipe my ass with them. I may have to see House of Wax just so I can enjoy her death scene.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: Never seen an episode and, thanks to the endless media coverage (Marcia Cross hates Teri Hatcher OMG!!!11!eleventyone!), I don’t plan to.

COLDPLAY: I despise Coldplay and their whiny “oh I’m British and pale and therefore I must be cool” twee thumb-twiddling tunes. Plus, the lead singer is married to Gwyneth Paltrow, who also bugs the ever-lovin’ fuck out of me. I was driving to work, listening to KROQ, and the DJ said something about their new album being delayed and how it’s sending everyone into a frenzy. EVERYONE? Not me, cracker. I’d rather eat an ortolan than listen to Coldplay ever again. Fuck Chris Martin in his gigantic ear.

SHOPPING MAGAZINES: After the runaway success of Lucky, you knew a rash of imitators was bound to pop up. There’s Shop, which has a table of contents every fifty pages or so for those bored socialites who can’t be bothered to flip back to the front of the magazine; Domino, a new decorating magazine for people who don’t find anything strange about spending $300 for a bath mat; and Cargo, the magazine for men who love to shop. There’s already a magazine for men who love to shop. It’s called Out.

THAT ONE ALANIS MORRISSETTE SONG: I don’t know the name of it---it wasn’t one of the popular ones---but it’s on “Jagged Little Pill”. G absolutely loves Alanis, and he had that CD playing the last time I was over at his place. Remember that South Park episode where they are trying to find “the brown note”, the pitch that would make people spontaneously shit their pants? I swear to god, I had to clench my ass cheeks tighter than a pretty boy in prison to keep from soiling myself. I made G promise to never, ever play that song in my presence again.

Wow, this list is actually shorter than I expected! As always, I must temper my vitriol with some sugar, i.e. an equal number of things I love, plus one or two more for good measure.

JACK: This is a new radio station here in Southern California (93.1FM) that plays a very eclectic mix of songs. The other morning, they played “Goodbye Mary” by Supertramp, followed by “Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode, and then they played “Lost Cause” by Beck. Like a peanut butter and bacon sandwich, it shouldn’t work…but it does.

BACON: Speaking of bacon...oh yeah. Perfect food. Just thinking about its aroma filling my quivering nostrils while I bite into a succulent strip of flesh gives me a serious moistie.

TED: For Administrative Assistants Day, he gave J and me $15 Barnes & Noble giftcards and M&M cookies that his daughters made.

DADDY-O: I love him so much, because even when he’s down, he’s still got a great sense of humor.

"FAME" BY IRENE CARA: I don’t want to hear a word, okay? This song is impossible to listen to without a) singing along and/or b) leaping about your living room like a fiend.

DEFAMER.COM: The best kind of snarky. I dread the day I go to their page and find that Tom Cruise’s lawyers have shut them down.

G: My NS is back from Florida, and I’m going to be spending the weekend with him. I can't wait!