but I want it NOW

My birthday is next Monday, and when Daddy-O asked me what I wanted, I was honestly stumped.

“Uh…just the usual, I guess…giftcards for Borders and Target…money’s always good…”

And then I got an e-mail from G that said “C and M have requested a list of possible birthday gifts for you, and don’t say they don’t need to get you anything, because it won’t work. At least this way you’ll get something you like!”

I wrote back “Uhhhh…giftcards for Borders and Target are good…maybe the new Hot Hot Heat album…”

Seriously, I have a hard time deciding what I want for various festive occasions where gifts are involved. Sure, there are plenty of things I’d love to have, like a fainting couch upholstered in leopard-print velvet, and a Mini Cooper convertible, and a diamond-studded pony, but none of these things are exactly in the price range of anyone I know.

Fast forward to today, when I was reading an article on Salon by Steve Almond, author of the gloriously nerdy confectionary love letter Candyfreak, on why he won’t be seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when it opens this week. He said there’s no way anyone can improve on the original, so there’s no point in seeing it.

Huh? Eff that noise, man. I love the original too, but Johnny Depp as Willie Wonka AND trained squirrels? I am so totally there.

Anyway, so I’m reading along and then I get to this paragraph:

As for the new film, it has been accompanied by the expected cavalcade of product tie-ins, the most intriguing of which (to me, anyway) is the Wonka Donutz bar, a ring-shaped chocolate thing speckled with colored nonpareils. It takes some getting used to; it contains a ganache-like chocolate filling inside a milk chocolate shell, and these two elements, along with the crunchy nonpareils, created a kind of textural triple whammy.

Oh my god.

I immediately Googled “Wonka Donutz” and found this image:





Screw the diamond-studded pony; all I want is a box of these bad boys.

Without a shred of patience, I’d rip open the box and extract one of the treats. The crinkle of cellophane would barely drown out my heavy breathing as I unwrapped a Wonka Donut and slid it between my trembling lips. A slight resistance, then a sharp snap as my teeth decimate the chocolatey shell…

…ganache coating my tongue…

…nonpareils falling down the front of my shirt and nestling between my heaving breasts…

Yes, that’s all I want for my birthday…a box of Wonka Donutz. And I’m thinking I might need a pack of Marlboro Lights for afterwards, too.