10/29/06

I said no, I can't talk about this.

He said, But you have to know these things. You need to know who to call and what to do if the worst happens. Here's the key to the safe deposit box. This is my lawyer's number. Most of all you know how much I love you and your brother. It will be okay.

And I smiled and said, I know Dad, I love you too, and I went in the bathroom and sat in the tub and screamed into the water. I screamed it's enough, God, okay? Fuck, it's enough already, you've done enough.

But fate is the blackjack dealer who takes your chips and shrugs and says It's not personal, kiddo, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Sometimes you get the boyfriend and the ice cream and the good books and the beautiful sunsets, and sometimes you get the dead mother and the sick brother and the father going through surgery.

And all I can do is say just this once, please. Just let him be okay, because I'm not that strong.