make a prank call pretending I'm a mime

Get stuck in traffic just to pass the time.

Stolen from all over the place:

1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?

Him, of course. I mean, really, all he has to do is spring for a loaf of bread, one fish, and a bottle of water, work a little magic, and hey presto! We’ve got ourselves a feast. I’ll bring the dessert, though. I don’t know what they considered dessert back in his day, but it’s probably some shit like dates and honey. Do not want.

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt a new name. What is it?

I was going to say Mimi Imfurst, which is my favorite drag queen name of all time, but since I’m assuming I fled the country to escape something or someone, that would be awfully conspicuous. Therefore, I shall go with Elizabeth Wakefield, marking me as a true child of the 80’s.

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.

I don’t really have a beef with any of them, so I’ll say Rhode Island, since it’s the smallest.

4. You wake up as the opposite gender. What's the one thing you wanna do?

I would immediately pee standing up.

5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?

Good lord, are you kidding? Han Solo! I still remember leaving Star Wars with a raging crush on Harrison Ford. I would curl up in bed at night and fantasize about him rescuing me, and then we would Do It. I didn’t really understand the concept of Doing It at the tender age of six---my loss of innocence would come two years later with the discovery of my mom’s copy of Forbidden Flowers, which traumatized the hell out of me---so my fantasies consisted of him hugging me and kissing me, and then things faded to black like an old-time movie.

6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?

I honestly can’t think of anything. Not that I was spoiled or anything, but all I ever really wanted was a Lite Brite (and those were, what, $5 in the 70’s?) and piles and piles of books.

9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?

Huh, I can’t remember. The last horror movie I watched was Saw 3, but that wasn’t scary, just gross. I’ll have to go way back and say Black Christmas. NOT the recent remake, which can suck my left one, but the original. I had to stop it near the end and make sure all the doors were locked and the alarm system was set.

10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?

I was sitting with my friend B-kun and he said, “You seem really pensive.” I said, “Nah, I’m just thinking.” D’oh!

11. You're sentenced to death and it's the morning of your execution: what do you want to eat?

Kobe steak, mashed potatoes with about eight pats of butter, old-fashioned sugar cream pie, blue moon ice cream, a six-pack of Coke Classic, those Pillsbury breakfast rolls with the orange frosting, a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its, six Godiva oyster truffles, a grilled cheese sandwich, McDonald’s fries, a Wendy’s hamburger, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Uncanny Cashew (which has been discontinued, apparently, so hopefully my execution will be stayed while they look for it) , one of G’s mom’s cheesecakes, a bag of Lay’s salt and vinegar potato chips, crème brulee, an In & Out vanilla milkshake, a piece of red velvet cake, two Cadbury Top Deck bars, that Bailey’s French toast from our hotel in San Simeon, a bottle of Cristal, a bottle of Bridlewood Central Coast Syrah (2003 vintage), and two Vicodin. Then my stomach would burst and I’d die before they could even stick the needle in my arm, and I wouldn’t even feel a thing thanks to the combination of alcohol and drugs. Yay, happy ending!

12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?

Buttsecks

13. Before you die you want to go to...?

Costa Rica

14. What’s the last thing you ate?

A peanut butter and jelly Uncrustable. Greatest invention ever, as far as I’m concerned.

15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?

Capuchin monkey.

16. A drug you'll never try?

LSD, because nothing scares me more than the possibility of going completely off my nut.

17. If you were an animal, what would you be?

A sloth.

18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12, who would it be?

My friend Spock. He’s gay and out, though, so I don’t know how that would work exactly.

19. What's something a lot of people don't know about you?

I didn't try pizza until I was 18 years old. No, this wasn't because of some weird age of consent for doughy treats imposed upon me by my parents; I just didn't want to try it. Of course, once I did, I became an insatiable pizza slut.

20. First celebrity crush?

Harrison Ford

21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?

If my mad RE4 skillz are anything to go by, sniper rifle.

22. Best flavor of runts?

Grape

23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?

Waffles

24. Favorite parody movie?

Airplane!

25. Worst way to die?

Probably being set on fire.

26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?

There is a website, which shall remain nameless, that has a photograph of a man who was in a motorcycle accident. He’s on the operating table, and the lower half of his face is pretty much completely a mass of meat and gristle. I see a few nasty pictures here at work, too; just the other day, I was looking at police scene photos of an accident victim and thinking, “Hmmm, I don’t think a leg should bend that way.”

27. The worst injury you've ever had?

A sprained ankle. I’m surprised I’ve never broken a bone, considering how klutzy I am.

28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?

Mashed potatoes. Man, I love me some potatoes. I must be Irish.

29. Sport you hate the most?

Using the very loosest definition of the word “sport”, golf.

30. What state in the US do you want to visit?

Hawaii

31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?

Computers

32. Favorite Actor/Actress?

Ron Jeremy and Nina Hartley. Oh, you mean serious actors? Uh, I'll say Jake Gyllenhaal for the actor, although there's probably someone different I'll think of later. For actress, I'll say Naomi Watts; I rewatched Mulholland Drive the other night and she blew me away. Jesus, she was fantastic in that.

33. What's one phrase you absolutely detest?

“I’d like to dialogue with you.” What Dilbertian bullshit. How hard is it to just say TALK?

34. What makes an awesome party?

Good food, good music, good conversation.

35. What's your favorite material obsession?

Magazines

36. What's something that most consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?

That I’m a nerd. Nerds are smart, endearing, and generally not mean.

37. Favorite kind of dog(s)?

Pugs

38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?

Yes.

39. Morning or night person?

Night

41. Weirdest E-bay purchase?

I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything weird, per se, but I’ve sure bought a few things I wish I hadn’t.

43. It’s Saturday 3AM; where are you?

Either curled up next to G asleep in bed, or curled up next to G on his sofa, playing a game or watching a movie.

44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?

They all rule in different ways. Is that diplomatic enough?

45. Worst job you've ever had?

The call center. Jesus Christ, I swear that job gave me PTSD.

46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?

Being a nerd

47. Favorite cereal?

Ralph’s blueberry almond

48. Book you could read repeatedly?

As Meat Loves Salt by Maria Mc Cann

49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?

Made a little neighborhood girl cry by telling her there was a boa constrictor in the hedge outside her window. And now you know why K and I really had to move from Crackwood.

50. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?

Only if I shot three of my toes off on purpose in order to be sent home early. Otherwise, I’d probably be the first casualty. Sad but true: mad RE4 skillz do not a legitimate soldier make.