Wednesday, June 17, 2009

bleed it out

WARNING: the following entry contains a picture of blood at the very end. If you've ever seen a PG-13 movie, I guarantee you've seen worse, but I wanted to mention it in case anyone has hemophobia. After all, I'd appreciate a warning if you were going to post...I dunno...a picture of a clown juggling tarantulas.

A life lesson for you: if you're distracted by your horrible fucking job, you should probably avoid using sharp objects.

I was in the shower last night, shaving my legs and moping, when I felt a sharp sting. Turns out I had managed to slice a 2" gash (yes, I measured later) up my left ankle.

"Fuck!" I cried out, and watched in horror as the blood just kept coming and coming. You'd think I was Carrie, washing off the pig blood after the prom.

I turned off the water, sat on the floor of the tub, and tried to stanch the flow. My washcloth was soon more red than white, and I reached for the container of butt wipes (er, I'm sorry: "Cottonelle adult flushable wipes") on the back of the toilet.

Several wipes later, with no sign of slowing, I stood up and hobbled to the living room. I can't even begin to describe the contortions I had to get into in order to keep from bleeding on my carpet, but let's just say Cirque du Soleil would be proud. I was pretty sure G was at C's house, and they only live 2 miles away from me, so I figured I'd give him a call. I quickly filled him in on the situation, and then I said, "Do you think you could go to the drugstore and get me a styptic pencil?'s after 10. Goddamn it, they're closed!"

"Do you need to go to the ER?"

"No, no, no...they'd laugh me out of there. I think there are just a lot of blood vessels in that area. Shit, there aren't any arteries in the ankle, are there? Why didn't I pay more attention in biology? Anyway, I'm just glad I got a tetanus shot in January."

"Baby..." G paused. "This is really difficult for me, but I have to ask. Was this really an accident, or have you...GONE EMO?"

Bonus picture of the carnage! This is AFTER I'd already rinsed my tub out twice.