Tuesday, January 19, 2010

tea and strumpets*

M, my former boss, is getting married to a fireman she's known for approximately seven months. I don't know where she met said fireman, but I'm assuming in a bar, seeing as her Facebook page is loaded (no pun intended) with pictures of her completely and utterly smashed out of her mind. I won't be so cynical as to say it won't last, but...yeah.

Anyway, last week I was sitting at my desk minding my own goddamn business when my coworker KB came up to me.

"Hey, C!" she chirped. "You heard about M's engagement, right?"

"I sure did," I said in my best fake sweet voice. (Seriously, that voice has been implicated in lab rat cancer.) What, like I couldn't miss her flashing her rock all over the fucking place? I think she gave me impromptu Lasik when she was waving it around.

"Well, we're having a tea party for her next week, and as a present we're all chipping in and giving her a money tree! Would you like to donate a couple of bucks?"

Not really, I thought but did not say. But clever me, I never keep anything smaller than a ten in my wallet because otherwise I get the 3PM munchies and frantically feed the vending machine with my precious cash. I figure if I want something THAT bad, I can walk over to the nearby shopping center and get it, but 9 times out of 10, sloth trumps gluttony. So I confidently pulled out my wallet, opened it wide, and said, "Sorry, I only have a twenty."

KB laughed and said, "Well, you can give twenty if you want."

Um, excuse me? "That's a bit more than I'm willing to spend."

Like twenty bucks more.

KB sniffed and said, "Several of us are giving her twenty dollars. Like, how much did that book cost you?" She pointed at the large, glossy paperback sitting on my desk.

Wordlessly, I turned it over so she could see the library barcode sticker on the back.

"Oh-kay!" she said, shrugging. "I tried!"

Eyes narrowed, I watched her ass, clad in cheap denim, twitch away in search of more generous prey.

The tea party is in seven minutes.

I'm taking my lunch early.

EDIT: Okay, so as mentioned above, I took my lunch early so I could avoid the tea party and presentation of the money tree and all that bullshit.

So wouldn't you know they postponed it until 2.

I figured I'd wait until the crowds died down a little before going to grab a cuppa and some scones, but when I was sitting at my desk working (yes, honestly), my boss came over and crouched down next to my chair and said, "Why aren't you in there? It's M's bridal party."

"Oh, I just got back from lunch and I have so much paperwork to catch up on, so I figured I'd do that before pigging out!"

I laughed.

He did not.

No, instead he said, in a tone of voice people usually reserve for talking to wounded animals, "Well, it would be a good opportunity for you to interact with your teammates and get your two hellos in." (See previous entry if you have no idea what THATcrapfest is all about.)

What I said: "Okay, I'll be over in a minute."

What I WANTED to say: "Look, dude, I actually like you because you're a geek like me, but listen. I have no desire to interact with my teammates on a personal level, okay? I prefer to keep to myself, and as long as I'm cordial and not afraid to ask for help if I need it, then I don't think it matters if I'm all 'oh, hiiiiiii, let's have a tea party LOL, did you see House last night'. I do a fair bit of fucking around at work, but I always get my shit done in a timely manner and I'm good at what I do. So PISS THE FUCK OFF WITH THIS STUPID HAPPY CRAPPY BULLSHIT. Now get the hell out of my cube so I can go get a red velvet cupcake in peace."

Is Subway hiring?