Wednesday, January 13, 2010

yeah, good luck with that

When it was announced last year that my current boss would be joining Unit B, people actually CRIED. So when I got moved over to that unit---despite my strenuous protests---I was really dreading it. But although I utterly loathe Unit B and only my addictions to food, shelter, and magazines keep me working here, I actually don't mind Red. Sure, he looks like a non-juicehead version of Danny Bonaduce and he wears his name badge on a lanyard that says "I [heart] JESUS", but I like him. Whenever he calls me into his office to ask me a question or whatever, we always wind up talking about geeky shit like video games and aliens.

So when he asked me to come into his office today and close the door behind me, I wasn't too worried. "Hey, Red, what's the haps?" I said cheerfully.

...okay, fine, I actually said, "Hey, what's up?" GOD.

Anyway, I sat down and he said, "I have a special project for you."

Oh dear Christballs. "What's that?" I asked cautiously.

"For the rest of January, I'd like you to say hi to two people every day."




Ignoring my stupefied expression, he continued, "Because I know you're shy and everything, but you have so much to offer this team. You're smart, you're articulate, you're a hard worker...but I think your shyness keeps you from sharing your ideas. So we're gonna work on that! I bet if you say hi to two different people every day, you'll really start to open up. Will you do that for me?"

What the fuck was I supposed to say, no? I mean, sure, I could have, but somehow I don't think it would have gone over too well. "I guess so," I said through a fake Joker-like smile.

"Great. Thanks!" He handed me a miniature candy bar from the jar on his desk, and I took my leave.

I mean, seriously, what the fresh fuck? I've been shy for 38 years, and you think you can change that in less than three weeks?

I hate living in a Dilbert cartoon.