Friday, February 24, 2012

the gay Super Bowl

It's that time of year when Hollywood forms a big glitzy circle jerk and gets together for the Academy Awards. I've watched them religiously for the past 20+ years and I ain't about to stop now, even though I recently had cause to raise an eyebrow in the Academy's direction. Last week, I saw a movie that rocked my fucking world. (It shall remain nameless for now because I'm going to fangirl the shit out of it in my media update next week, but if you've seen it, you will definitely recognize the following pictures.) Afterwards, I went on IMDB to see what Oscar nominations and/or awards it had won.

...none. Bupkus. Zero.

Come the fuck on! Seriously, these weren't worthy of Best Costume Design?

THIS wasn't worthy of Best Cinematography?


Anyway, I'll be watching on Sunday night, getting my snack on and forcing poor G to sit through them with me. Here are my predictions for the winners.

BEST PICTURE: I haven't seen a single one of the nominees, although we have The Tree of Life at home, so that will change by Sunday night. I think The Artist will win because it's different and all about the magic of movies etc, but I wouldn't be all that surprised if The Descendants pulls off an upset win.

This is my favorite comment about excruciating Oscar bait (and lo, didst they bite) Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, courtesy of Deadspin: "Wasn't 9/11 so cute, you guys? I'll never forget that day, because 2500 died and then I got to go on a treasure hunt!"

BEST ACTOR: I desperately want this to be George Clooney for The Descendants because he's so goddamn handsome and suave and, yes, talented. Plus he's apparently also really nice; one of Daddy-O's friends ran into George Clooney in Lake Como---because merely vacationing in Italy wasn't awesome enough---and asked him for an autograph for his granddaughter. The Cloons invited the dude to come over and they sat on the lawn drinking wine. Luckiest motherfucker ever! Hell, let's just say he's going to win, but Jean Dujardin (The Artist) is nipping at his heels.

BEST ACTRESS: This is a tough race. You've got stalwart Meryl Streep doing a Margaret Thatcher impersonation (and the Academy loves impersonations), Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe (see previous parenthetical), Glenn Close as a woman living as a man, newcomer Rooney Mara, and Viola Davis as a maid struggling with racism for The Help. Based on everything I've read, Viola Davis will win.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christopher Plummer for Beginners. Come on, elderly man with a terminal disease who comes out of the closet and learns to enjoy life? Plus he's been around forever and he was excellent in the role, so he deserves to win.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Octavia Spencer for The Help.

BEST DIRECTOR: Personally, I think the Best Picture and Best Director awards should be combined, but nobody asked me so the hell with me and my ideas. Jesus. Anyway, I'll say Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: I really want this to be The Descendants because I love Alexander Payne; Sideways is in my top 10.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: I'm so glad they didn't toss Pixar a bone for that shitfest Cars 2. God, when G and I watched it, it was like watching a once-beautiful woman give handjobs for crack. Sure, it was pretty, and I did get a chuckle out of the part set in Japan (LOL their toilets are weird LOL) but fucking MATER as the main character? Mater can suck it, the rusty piece of hillbilly trash. I had never even heard of Chico & Rita or A Cat in Paris before they got nominated. Kung Fu Panda 2 was pretty but not particularly good, and I can't vouch for Puss in Boots, although G might have some words about that one since Virgin Atlantic's faulty entertainment system wouldn't let him watch anything else.


Oh! I suppose I should tell you how that all panned out, eh? Well, I crafted an absolute masterpiece of a complaint letter, and after about 2 weeks, a customer service representative named Emma Johnston wrote back. Top marks to Ms. Johnston, because she went over every single point in my letter in great detail. They gave both of us 8000 frequent flyer miles for our ghastly experience, which is like kicking someone in the balls and offering them a bag of frozen peas for their aching scrote, but I suppose it was better than nothing. Barely.

Anyway, I think Rango will win, because not only was it clever, but it was the most beautiful animated movie I've ever seen. This opinion is a sore, sore point between G and me, because he firmly believes the most beautiful animated movie of all time is Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole. Which, don't get me wrong, was stunning and I really wish we'd seen it in the theater, but Rango was more visually interesting to me.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: A Separation, because I have yet to read a bad review of it.

ORIGINAL SCORE: Wow, John Williams is up twice! So I'll say John Williams for War Horse.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: It better be "Man or Muppet" from The Muppets. I will cut a bitch if it's not, because Flight of the Conchords' Bret McMotherfuckingKenzie wrote it and he is all manner of awesome. There's only one other song nominated, and it's from Rio, which was very unmemorable. Shit, I SAW Rio and I don't even remember the nominated song, so. Yes. Yay, Bret McKenzie!

BEST ART DIRECTION: Sure, The Artist. Why not.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: The Artist, or maaaaaaaaaybe The Tree of Life because I heard it was right purty.

COSTUME DESIGN: Sure, The Artist. Why not.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Considering that the previous documentaries about this topic got three men sprung from prison (and one from death row), I'll say Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory. Which sounds like a horror film, and in a very real sense, it is.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT: Shit if I know, son. I don't know a goddamn thing about any of them. I like the sound of God Is the Bigger Elvis, but let's go with The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom.

EDITING: Sure, The Artist. Why not.

(...God, this is taking almost as long as the actual Oscars.)

MAKEUP: Albert Nobbs for making Glenn Close look like a hairless Robin Williams. (Man, I wish I could take credit for that comment, but I read it somewhere else; unfortunately I can't remember where.)

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore because it was created by Pixar alums.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: Time Freak because there was a Yahoo story about it. I mean, why not, it's as scientific a method of predicting a winner as anything else.

SOUND EDITING: What, no The Artist?

::rim shot::

War Horse, I guess, mainly because I really do not want anything Michael Bay had a hand in to win a goddamn thing.

SOUND MIXING: They always explain the difference between this and editing at the Oscars and I still don't know. So War Horse again.

VISUAL EFFECTS: It better be Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and whoever wins better give a gigantic shout out to the incomparable Andy Serkis.

And there you have it! Now where'd my Milk Duds go?