Wednesday, June 20, 2012

if I had a million thumbs I'd twiddle

Stolen from my friend Debbie:

1. A selection of television programs you do not care for.

Any reality show where people get rewarded for being vapid and/or pregnant teenagers and/or drunks and/or irresponsible breeders and/or the hideous overbearing mother of a child beauty queen. Medical and legal dramas, with the notable exception of Law & Order: SVU. American Idol and The Voice. And I used to really like Glee, but it got excruciating and I quit two episodes into the second season.

2. A selection of musical artists you do not care for.

I'm not a huge fan of most rap, to be honest.

3. A selection of celebrities you couldn’t care less about.

The Kardashian klan (though I'll admit a weakness for Khloe because she's the only one who seems to understand how fucking ridiculous it all is), Charlie Sheen, any Teen Mom, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton.

4. A hobby you “don’t get”.

Extreme couponing.

5. A habit you find disgusting.

When they go to the printers, people at work FUCKING LICK THEIR FINGERS while flipping through the pages. If they had their own printer, I wouldn't care at all, but we share printers and I don't need these phlegmy old bitches getting their goddamn saliva all over my stuff. Seriously, it's not just one of my coworkers, it's almost all of them! One in particular is so enthusiastic about her gross habit that you'd think she'd just eaten a bucket of KFC. It's so nasty that I rerouted my stuff to print at a lesser-used machine several rows away. I'm not a germaphobe by any stretch, but come on.

6. Something in school you really liked doing that everyone else bitched over.

Required reading for English and literature classes. Not everything was good, of course, but I wound up loving a couple of them (Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary) that I never would have read on my own.

7. Your favorite household chore.

Paying bills. Before you think I'm off my nut, I don't like the fact that I'm shelling out my hard-earned money to SoCal Edison and my landlady; I just find writing out the check and sealing up the envelope very soothing, like "Yes, this is taken care of for another month." Plus I can do it while watching TV, so there's that.

8. Popular video games that make you go “meh”.

With a few notable exceptions like Persona 4 and Odin Sphere, I'm not a huge fan of the RPG genre. And it's not that I find them "meh", but I can't do first person games like Portal and Bioshock because they give me motion sickness. I hope to Christ they never make a first person Silent Hill or Resident Evil game because I will be devastated.

9. PC or MAC?

PC because I think Apple's "planned obsolescence" business model is reprehensible.

10. A sport you don’t like, for whatever reason.

All of them.

11. A sport you really like, for whatever reason.

None of them. Well, okay, I kind of like watching figure skating.

12. Television programs you love but have gotten shit for liking.

Despite my general distaste for reality TV and complete lack of cooking skill whatsoever, I fucking LOVE Hell's Kitchen and Masterchef. I was so excited when their new seasons started earlier this month, and not just that, but they have new episodes on Monday AND Tuesday! That's four hours a week of Gordon Ramsay-induced schadenfreude. Every time he calls someone a donkey or a muppet, I just about piss myself laughing. It's awesome. He's far nicer on Masterchef because those aren't professional cooks; Joe Bastianich is the meanie on that one.

13. Musical artists you love but have gotten shit for liking.

Somebody laughed at my Smiths shirt back in junior high and said, "God, you actually like that whiny f----t?", but that's about it. And a lot of people don't get my mad passionate love for Sparks, but nobody's actually given me crap about it.

14. A hobby you have/find interesting that other people bother you over/make fun of.

I occasionally get a raised eyebrow when I bring a stack of manga to the checkout counter at the library, but nothing overt.

15. A habit you have that other people bug you over.

I don't bite my nails down to the quick anymore, but I'll occasionally nibble at my cuticles. Yes, I know it's gross.

16. Something at work you hate doing and it feels like everyone else loves.

Socializing! When they aren't busy spreading their saliva all over other people's papers, these bitches are talking and talking and TALKING. One of them has a laugh that, no lie, sounds EXACTLY like the Wicked Witch of the West. It makes me want to shove an envelope opener into my eardrums. And occasionally we'll have some sort of forced jollility like a birthday party, and it's absolutely excruciating. We all stand around holding plates laden with a slice of Costco cake so thickly frosted that the plate is buckling and a red plastic cup of generic soda and we're making small talk and I just want to fling it all on the ground and run shrieking from the building.

17. The household chore that makes you want to shoot your own face off.

I don't like "wet work" like cleaning the toilet and tub. And I also don't like cleaning my living room because I swear to God there's a dust fairy who gleefully sprinkles motes everywhere about two seconds after I clean. For some reason, the dust gets really bad in there. Plus when I flip my couch cushions and pillows, I'm always afraid a spider will crawl onto me.

18. A selection of video games that you enjoy that perhaps you really shouldn’t.

I REALLY liked Rule of Rose, the PS2 psychological horror game that caused a huge controversy in Europe and Australia due to its disturbing content. (And also due to the fact that, according to Wikipedia, some asshat politician in France claimed the goal of the game was to rape, torture, and kill a little girl, which is absolute BULLSHIT.) You play a young woman named Jennifer who winds up in an abandoned orphanage. The adults have all disappeared, and now the orphanage is run by a cruel clique of girls who call themselves the Red Crayon Aristocrats. They demand tributes from Jennifer, and with the help of a loyal dog she rescues, she searches for the gifts while trying to piece together what really happened.

Yes, the combat blows, but the graphics (at least for the time) are gorgeous, the soundtrack is perfect, and the ending left me in tears. It's a twisted Victorian storybook, the saddest fairytale of all time populated by mean girls and heartbroken lesbians, and I loved it.

Another one in this category is Deadly Premonition. Its combat makes Rule of Rose look like Gears of War and its graphics would have been laughable on the Dreamcast, but man, it's so fucking bizarre that it must be played to be believed. Throw Twin Peaks and a sheet of blotter acid into a blender, top it off with a fat dollop of weirdness as only the Japanese can do it (I mean that as a compliment, by the way), and you've got Deadly Premonition. $17 on Amazon, and worth twice that at least.

19. A celebrity crush that maybe even you don’t understand.

Well, I can justify all of my celebrity crushes, but the one that absolutely flabbergasts G is Jeremy Renner. He just doesn't get it, nor does our (male) friend C, but the little girls understand.

20. Free rant on whatever grinds your gears at the moment.

People at work who stand and have long conversations while blocking a doorway, the fridge in the breakroom, the water dispenser, or the bathroom sink and then have the nerve to look at ME like I'm the asshole for asking them to move! Fuck you, chippies.