Thursday, August 02, 2012

coming out of his shell

When I was walking to Barnes & Noble on my lunch break today, I noticed something strange in the parking lot. It was about the size of a football---not a regulation football, but a toy---and it seemed to be moving. Curiosity got the better of me, so I detoured to check it out.

...and lo and behold, it was a turtle, looking mighty confused indeed.

There's a restaurant in that shopping center with an outdoor patio and a small koi pond, and I assumed he'd come from there. Not wanting him to get hit by a car or tortured by one of the roving gangs of teenage boys that frequent the pizza place, I picked him up, held him at arm's length, and made my way to the pond. I passed a permatanned trophy wife along the way who visibly recoiled, acting more like I was holding a grenade or a handful of fresh dog shit than a lost turtle.

When I reached the pond, I crouched down and set him at the water's edge, about two feet away from another turtle sunning itself on a rock. "There you go, buddy," I said, ignoring a restaurant patron smirking at me. "Try not to wander off again."

Once I got to Barnes & Noble, I scrubbed my hands thoroughly in the bathroom and then sat down to page through the latest stories about Robsten OMG how could such a thing happen.

When my cell phone alarm rang, I finished People and headed back to work. Of course, I had to stop by the pond and make sure my friend was settling back in.

...and there he was, either on the receiving or giving end of a proper fucking.

My initial reaction was absolute horror, because (assuming it was really a he) what if he'd popped a rod while I was holding him? I just saw a video of an ejaculating turtle on Tosh.0 last weekend, and let me tell you, a turtle penis is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen. It would have made H.R. Giger vomit. I'd like to think I would have had the presence of mind to quickly but gently set him down on the ground if that had happened, and not fling him across the parking lot like I was trying to score a tie-breaking touchdown.

But then...then a maniacal grin spread across my face.

Yes, yes! I thought, practically tenting my fingers together with glee. Have many strong sons and daughters and teach them to WORSHIP ME LIKE A FUCKING GOD.

I mean, I'd rather command cats or wolves or something, but you take what life gives you.