Thursday, July 11, 2013

oompa loompa oompa de doo

I KNOW, right? Two entries in as many days? I'm as shocked as you are! But something so insanely stupid happened last night that I just had to share.

Yesterday I got a Sephora order in the mail, and as is their (much appreciated) wont, they put some samples in the box, including a packet of moisturizer. After my shower, I tore it open and smeared it all over my face, and then I plopped my ass down in front of my laptop to putz around on Twitter and read celebrity gossip.

About ten minutes later, I noticed an unpleasant smell. The only thing I can compare it to is that hot metallic smell that my hands would get from playing on the monkey bars at school, only amped up. For a second I feared that something was wrong with my laptop, but the smell seemed to be coming from under my nose...literally from under my nose. I swiped a finger over my upper lip and took a whiff.

Yep, that was the moisturizer all right. Weird.

I figured as long as I was online, I'd read the reviews of this product on Sephora's website. Sure enough, the very first review of the product mentioned the terrible smell...

...and the second review mentioned that it TURNED THEIR SKIN ORANGE.

It wasn't moisturizer, it was self-tanner!

Shrieking, I raced to the bathroom and looked at my ORANGE FUCKING FACE in the mirror. We're talking the unholy spawn of Snooki and an Oompa Loompa. I was serving up Ernie from Sesame Street realness.

I washed my face, and the washcloth came away orange. Then I grabbed a package of facial cleansing wipes and went through probably ten of them before they came away clean. My face was no longer orange, but it was a nice bright red from all of the scrubbing.

I know, I know, you're thinking "You read all the goddamn time and you couldn't be arsed to look at the package?" But I swear it didn't say anything about tanning on the package! It just had a list of ingredients (which I suppose might have mentioned something used for self-tanning but I'm not a fucking chemist for Christ's sake; if I was, I'd have a nicer car) and the name of the product.

Learn from my fail, folks: if you put something on your body and it starts to smell like the chains of a swingset in summer...RINSE THAT SHIT OFF PRONTO.