in defense of Jude Law's wang

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I come to praise Jude Law’s penis, not to bury it.

Lately there’s been a bit of an uproar over a paparazzi shot of Jude in which his nannybanger is fully visible, and the snarky comments have been flying. People snickered about his teeny weenie or made schadenfreudian remarks about how he may have tons of money and breathtakingly good looks, but at least he’s hung like an acorn, so neener neener!

Now, my crush on Jude has waned a bit in light of his recent dalliances with his nanny, for I don’t care HOW handsome he is, cheaters suck. Still, in gratitude for the many lustful thoughts I've had about him, I feel I must put cursor to screen and defend Jude’s manly organ.

(Side note: I was going to post the picture, but decided against it as I’m at work, and besides, most of the free world has probably seen it by now. If you’re one of the few who hasn’t, you can see it at Fleshbot, a site which is decidedly NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Unless, of course, you work at Hustler or something, in which case, ask Larry if he’s hiring.)


ARGUMENT #1: SHRINKAGE


The dude had been swimming, so assuming the water was cold, of course Jude Jr. is going to curl up for warmth! There, there, buddy…it’s okay.


ARGUMENT #2: HE’S A GROWER, NOT A SHOWER


I've heard of acorns growing into mighty oaks with just a flash of sweet, creamy cleavage.


ARGUMENT #3: “I SAW THAT BROADWAY PLAY WHERE HE WAS TOTALLY NAKED ON STAGE FOR, LIKE, TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT, AND I HAD HIGH-POWERED BINOCULARS, AND ALTHOUGH HE WASN’T, YOU KNOW, LIKE JOHN HOLMES OR ANYTHING, HE WAS CERTAINLY PACKING MORE THAN THAT SUNDRIED WORM”


I can’t vouch for this one myself, but it’s paraphrased from other comments I've read online.


ARGUMENT #4: SIZE DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY


I hasten to add that I’m not speaking for all women or gay/bisexual men here. That said, come on...who other than a porn star really needs a Louisville Slugger for a penis? Can you say ouch? Some of the penises I've seen in porn have been so eyepoppingly ginormous most women would have needed an episiotomy and a cookie jar full of muscle relaxants to accommodate them.

So, Jude, although you may be humiliated by the comments, chin up, lad. You could be hung like a pinky and, as Dennis Miller once said of President Clinton, still get more ass than the backseat of a rental car. But quit cheating on your significant others, okay? Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to eat it.

xxC