lewd awakening

Yesterday, I went to the mailbox and was astounded to find unimaginable pornography nestled among the flyers and bills. Quickly, I looked around to make sure no one was looking, and then---with no small amount of shame---I rolled it up and tucked it under my shoulder.

“Anything interesting?” K asked when I came inside.

“Not…not really,” I mumbled, hoping she wouldn’t notice what I was trying so desperately to conceal. I scurried to my room and began flipping through the glossy pages.

It’s almost beyond description, what I saw there. Spread shots revealing glistening centers. A “beef log”, as the juvenile description put it, lasciviously displayed. Adjectives like “sweet”, “spicy”, “delicious”, and “irresistible” pandered to the reader’s basest instincts.

I’m only human. I was unable to look away. To my horror, I found myself physically reacting to it. I salivated like Pavlov’s dogs, wanting to bite and suck and nibble and lick. I wanted to dip my tongue into creamy centers. I wanted to take that “beef log” (oh, such a crude name for a beautiful thing!) and devour it. I wanted to have my way with each and every one of them, stopping only when I was so overwhelmed with pleasure that even the tiniest bit more would cause me to explode.

Damn you, Swiss Colony. Damn you and your Christmas catalog to hell!