I don't do chipper

To my delight---and by "delight", I mean annoyance---I received the following questionnaire from my new bosses, S&M. (Yes, that's really their initials; only time will tell if that's cruel irony.) I've encountered various permutations of this same damn thing several times during my tenure at the Cube Farm; ostensibly, it's their way of finding out what kinds of goodies they can treat you to if you perform like a well-trained seal. I've never actually gotten something that I listed on one of these questionnaires, but whatever.

Anyway, reading this questionnaire made my inner child (a 14-year-old boy named Leon) perk up like a nipple against an iceberg and want to fill in outrageous answers. However, I enjoy such luxuries as a roof over my head and, you know, food, so I would never submit anything but the boring gospel truth...to S&M, anyway.

You, on the other hand, get Leon's version.

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What is your favorite candy bar? What's with this "bar" shit? What kind of ghetto bullcrap is that? "Bar". Eff that noise! I'll take a ballotin of Godiva chocolates. Make sure they put a bunch of those oysters in there, because they're my favorite.

What is your favorite soda? Diet Lemon Coke, which they pulled off the market. Find it anyway.

What color do you like? The mellow crimson of the day-old paper cuts all over my hands from all this paper-pushing.

What is your favorite restaurant? Anywhere the cook doesn't toss a big glob of manbatter into my food.

What is your favorite ice cream or sorbet flavor? Blue moon, which you can only find in the Midwest. Make a special trip.

What type of flower do you like? That one that grows in the rainforest and smells like decaying meat. Those are cool.

What is your favorite kind of cookie? Yes.

What type of food do you like? The tender flesh of the unbelievers.

What is your favorite snack? Yes.

What is your favorite animal? I like cats and monkeys. If you can combine the two, that's even better. To wit:





And don't be giving me no lameass Beanie Babies. I have a cat, but I want a REAL monkey. I have to keep it in my cube, though, because my roommate won't let me have one. Feed it on the weekends for me; I'm not coming in here on my time off.

What is your favorite sport? Football, but only if the New York Giants are winning or the Cowboys, Redskins, or Eagles are losing.

Who is your favorite author? Whoever writes the letters in Penthouse Forum.

Who are your favorite musicians? The Dead Kennedys, The Misfits, Day-Glo Abortions, Rock Kills Kid, Sandy Duncan's Eye, Pansy Division, The Crucifucks, Olivia Newton-John.

What is your favorite song? "Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny" by the Bloodhound Gang

What is your favorite album? White Trash, Two Heebs, and a Bean by NOFX

Would you rather receive a cash-based award or a non-cash award? Yes.

Anything else you'd like us to know? :) First of all, emoticons are lame. Try using something else for a change...like this!





Substitute Tom Cruise's face with this survey and you'll get a pretty good idea of how I feel every time I have to fill one of these things out.