quit playing gay with my heart

If Daddy-O found out I was about to tell this shameful secret to TENS of people on the Internet, he would be furious, and he’d disinherit me so fast it would make the Candy/Tori family feud look as warm and fuzzy as a kitten in a sweater.

(Pause to squeal happily over mental image of a kitten in a sweater)

Anyway, my father’s most carefully guarded secret is…

(Awww…seriously, can you imagine a little gray and white kitten all curled up in a sweater? Its little pointy tail sticking out from under the hem, and its adorable, undoubtedly green eyes shut in blissful sleep? And you know how cats, when viewed from a certain angle, appear to be smiling? I can’t stand it!)

…he’s a big fan of the boy bands.

I am so not even shitting you. If you were to paw through his glove compartment right now, you would find the same CDs you’d expect to find in the glove compartment of any man his age---Simon and Garfunkel, the Beach Boys---but you’d also find CDs by *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. I’ve given him a heaping ration of grief over the years about this quirk, but he’s always laughed it off. I remember sitting in his car on the way back from dinner, listening to an *NSYNC CD.

“Come on, Dad,” I protested. “I mean, this is music for TEENAGE GIRLS.”

“So? I like the music, and I like the fact that you can actually understand what they’re singing. Plus it’s a refreshing change from all this bitch, slut, ho rap trash. And mark my words, if Justin Timberlake ever goes solo, he’s going to be big.”

Okay, so he got that right.

“I think that one guy is gay,” I said, not as a judgment, but more to test the depths of Daddy-O’s fandom.

“Who?”

“The one that kind of looks like a lizard. Lance something?”

“Lance Bass? Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know, just a feeling.”

Daddy-O shrugged. “I don’t give much of a shit, but I doubt it. Why would someone join a boy band if they’re gay?”

I had no response to this jaw-dropper.

“Ooh, I like this one,” he said, turning it up and singing along. “No it ain’t no lie, bye bye bye!”

Shudder.

Anyway, so after months of online speculation, who just came out of the closet on the cover of People?

Yup, that’s right.

As one delightfully snarky person commented, “I was more surprised to find out it was Wednesday”, but still, vindication!

I am totally calling my dad tonight.