Friday, August 10, 2007

when I'm pissed, you get a list

If I wore a mood ring, it would have been black all fucking week.

And then the stone would have cracked and lava and ichor would have spilled out of it.

First off, I had more fun wranglings with the incompetent, mouth-breathing morons at Time Warner. It finally got so bad that I decided I would rather eat a steaming plate of dogshit than give them even two cents of my money, and I went with Verizon instead. If all goes well, I should have internet by next Wednesday. Unlimited access to Kotaku, YouTube, Perez Hilton, and anime ought to kick my Happy Meter up a couple of notches.

Second, you know that malingering twunt Giggles? She has been out all week, which means that I’ve gotten to do all of HER work while mine piles up in the background. She was also out last Thursday and Friday, so we’re talking a FULL FUCKING WEEK off work because she’s “sick”. You know what? I would actually have to see her bleed from an orifice (nose and vagina don’t count) to believe that she was truly sick, and then I would have to have the blood tested by an independent laboratory to prove it wasn’t fake. I’ve reached my limit, and trust, my limit is pretty fucking high. I’m going to call Daddy-O tonight and get his advice as far as going to management. This shit has to stop.

But enough of that. In order to put some spring back into my step, I’m going to compile an alphabetical list of some of the things I love. Not a comprehensive list, obviously.

Oh, and before I get to the list, a gross anecdote. Two coworkers came back from their morning walk looking pale and nauseated. When someone asked what was wrong, they said that a severed rabbit head fell from a tree as they walked by. There are a lot of hawks around here, so I’m assuming that’s where it came from.

Poor bunny.


Anime: I’ve been into anime for well over a decade now, and you whippersnappers don’t know how easy you’ve got it with your flim-flarnin’ BitTorrent and Netflix and Cartoon Network. I watched grainy, tenth-generation fansubs of Video Girl Ai and Kimagure Orange Road and I liked it. Now get off my lawn!

Ass, my: I’m having a really good ass day. I was standing in the bathroom washing my hands, and I caught a glimpse of my butt in the full-length mirror, and I thought, “Damn, that’s a nice ass.”

Borders: To me, the best thing about Borders is that you can sit in a corner with a huge stack of magazines, and they don’t give a shit as long as you don’t make a mess. Barnes & Noble employees totally throw you the stinkeye if they catch you leafing through Martha Stewart Living with no intention of purchasing it.

Cheesecake: As a general rule, I prefer my cheesecake plain, with nothing mixed in or drizzled on---no sauces, no fruit, no chocolate chips or cookie dough or Heath bar bits---and with a standard graham cracker crust. There are two exceptions to the crust rule, though, and they are by far the best cheesecakes I’ve ever had the pleasure of eating. The first one is G’s mother’s homemade cheesecake, which has a sort of millefeuille crust, and the second is Wood Ranch’s cheesecake, which has an almond biscotti crust that seriously makes me moan like a porn star.

Comptoir Sud Pacifique: Company that makes droolworthy perfumes. My favorite is Amour de Cacao, which smells like those chocolate oranges you can buy around Christmas.

Connolly, John: An incredible writer and a very cool guy.

Disneyland: Makes me feel like a kid again.

Elvis: One of the things I inherited from my mom was her love of Elvis. I desperately want to make a pilgrimage to Graceland.

G: No elaboration needed, I trust.

Godiva open oyster truffles: Like a tiny orgasm in every bite.

Gossip: I’ll admit it, I’m a total sucker for gossip. I read all the weekly rags, I surf all the blogs, and I know way more about celebrities than I do about most of the people I work with.

Hello Kitty: Hey, I wouldn’t have permanently marked my skin with a tattoo of her if I didn’t love her!

Hot Hot Heat: Along with REM, this is probably the only band I’d make an effort to see in concert.

Illbleed: Quite possibly the sickest game of all time. I’d love to see it remade, but thanks to people like Jack Thompson who blame video games for all the world’s ills, I doubt it will ever happen. I still have to drag my Dreamcast over to G’s so he can experience this jawdropper for himself.

Jaa, Tony: This dude is the absolute master of piping hot, red-assed beatdowns. He refuses to use stunt doubles or wires in his movies, so when you’re watching him take down a bald-headed bully literally three times his size, you’re seeing the real deal. If you have even the slightest interest in martial arts, you owe it to yourself to see Ong Bak and The Protector.

Katamari: No, not Katamari Damacy, the video game---which is awesome but gives me motion sickness---but the Scottish fold kitten who recently gained internet fame when Cute Overload claimed she looks like Lindsey Lohan. As you know, I’m a sucker for Scottish folds, and this is quite possibly the cutest one I’ve ever seen. OMG Kitty! has a ton of pictures that broke the needle on my Awwmometer.

Las Vegas: I can usually only tolerate it for three days before it starts to get depressing, but those three days are fucking AWESOME.

Little Tokyo: Home of sweetly smiling old people, cherry blossoms, the phonebook manga I love, and delicious Japanese snacks with wacky packaging.

Monkeys: I still can’t believe I finally got to touch one! Huzzah!

New York Giants: It floors me that G actually made me care about a football team.

Picross: An insanely addictive Nintendo DS game in which you create pictures on a grid by figuring out how many squares to fill in. The puzzles start out really simple, but they get much harder as you go along.

Pistachio ice cream: But it has to be that unnatural green color or it doesn’t taste as good to me.

Q-tips: I love cleaning my ears with a passion. I have these special black spiral Q-tips, imported from Japan, that are just wonderful.

Resident Evil: Where’s RE5, goddammit?

Silent Hill: Where’s SH5, goddammit?

Simpsons, The: How on earth is this show still so good after all these years?

Sparks: A shamefully underappreciated band. My blog title comes from their album of the same name.

Who Wants to Be a Superhero?: I’ll have to admit that the new season isn’t nearly as engrossing as the last one, mainly because there’s nobody who even approaches Major Victory’s level of awesome. But still, I cannot resist the sheer cheese factor of watching people compete to be Stan Lee’s next superhero. I’ll be rooting for Parthenon because he’s gay and has a supershiny costume---and I’m a big fan of the gay and the shiny.