Monday, September 17, 2007

food porn...and the real deal!

(Anal-retentive note: I actually wrote this yesterday, but couldn’t post it until today.)

Okay, I think we need to get something nice and steamy up in here after last entry's weepfest. Here are some of the things I've consumed since I've been here:

  • Blue moon ice cream, which is my absolute favorite and impossible to find outside of the Midwest.
  • We went to Fogo de Chao, a Brazilian steakhouse where waiters scurry around with different cuts of meat and carve it to your specifications at your table. They give you a little coaster that's green on one side, which means you're ready for more meat; when you're full or busy eating, you flip it over to the red side and they pass you by. I had an obscene amount of beef, including bacon-wrapped filet mignon that made me tear up with sheer gustatory joy. Dessert was a luscious piece of key lime pie.
  • Tonight, we went to Chino Latino, my favorite restaurant in the Twin Cities. I started off with a Flirtini (champagne, vodka, and pineapple juice). For my entree, I had genuine kobe beef served ishi-yaki style, which means that I cooked it myself over a hot river stone, and a side order of fluffy, aromatic jasmine rice. For dessert, R and I split the Fire Goddess Sacrificial S'mores Platter. The waitress brought us a flaming pot of sterno, and we cooked the marshmallows over the fire, put them on thin cinnamon cookies, and drizzled them to taste with chocolate, caramel, macadamia nuts, and coconut.

I'll be lucky if I crap again before September's over, thanks to all that red meat.

And as for the "real porn" part...well, remember when I read that book Mortified, which was a collection of embarrassing essays, letters, diary entries, and so on written by teenagers? In my media update, I said that somewhere in my dad's basement lurked a humiliating story I'd written as a teenager in which Daniel Ash of Bauhaus/Love and Rockets fame took me to my prom. I said, "If I ever find that thing, I may just foist it upon you."

Well, dear reader, I FOUND IT. And true to my word, even though it’s embarrassing as hell, I'm going to copy it here for lulz. I would like to remind you that I was young when I wrote this (not sure of the exact age, but probably anywhere from 12-14), so this is truly shitty.

Enjoy...and by "enjoy", I mean laugh your ass off at the sheer geekiness of my younger self. (I know, I'm geeky NOW, but at least I don't write Mary Sue fanfiction anymore!) Footnotes are at the end of the entry.

The chauffeur opened the door of the sleek black limo for me, and nervously I stepped out. I knew I looked stunning (1), and that Daniel looked dashing, but I was still afraid of everyone's reactions. No one but my family knew that I was going to be at the prom that night. I wanted to give everyone, epsecially Steve and Kitty (2), a surprise they'd never forget!

Unexpected anger swelled up in me. Never expected quiet little C to show up at the prom, did you? Well, I'm here!

"C?" A soft husky voice, flavored with a British accent, interrupted my thoughts. I looked at Daniel and it was like a cool balm being rubbed on a burn. My temper receded, and I smiled at him. He took my arm and we started toward the hotel where the prom was being held. We stopped just in front of the door, and he gazed at me with his gorgeous eyes, lined with eyeliner (3). My heart melted. "You look so beautiful standing there in the moonlight," he said, and I shivered with joy. "And your dress is magnificent, fit for the princess you are." (4)

It was true; my dress was incredible. My parents and I had split the cost of the expensive Betsey Johnson Doves in the Snow dress (5), and it had been worth every cent. The strapless bodice was accented by a sequinned bow, and the full skirt was lacy and accented my legs. I knew that no other dress at the prom, no matter how costly, would be half as beautiful as mine.

I had taken great care with the rest of my ensemble, too. I wore white lace gloves, bow-and-heart earrings, and white satin pumps. (6) On my wrist was the rose and baby's breath corsage Daniel had presented me with. My mom had spent an hour artfully applying my makeup and fixing my hair so that it fell to my shoulders in soft waves---a far cry from the usual tangled halo! Little Miss Mousy had been magically transformed into Little Miss Marvelous! (7)

Daniel looked fantastic as well in his crisp black tuxedo. I felt a pang of envy and thought jealously, guys have it so easy. All they have to do is rent a tux, brush their teeth, comb their hair, and they're ready! (8)

The doorman opened the doors to the plush lounge after taking our tickets. I had to smile as I recalled the trouble we had getting tickets. Daniel was older, and I was too young for senior prom. A discreetly slipped twenty had done the trick.

I could hear music traveling down the corridor as we stopped in front of the marble fountain in the center of the lounge. Daniel threw a coin in the sparkling water and said, "Make a wish, my love."

"It already came true," I murmured (9), and he gave me a soft passionate kiss that sent ripples of ecstasy throughout my entire being. Then we strolled down the corridor and walked into the ballroom. We were about a half-hour later, since we had enjoyed a leisurely dinner at the Velvet Turtle. (Because the prom committee was so pressed for money, they had decided not to serve dinner this year.) (10) People were already dancing. I noticed many familiar faces among the sea of people.

"C!" I heard someone yell, and I was encased in strong arms. When my attacker finally let me go, I realized in shock that it was Doug! (11)

"Doug!" I gasped. "It's been so long! How great to see you! How have you been?"

"I've been good," he replied. I made introductions, and Daniel and Doug seemed pleased to meet each other. Then Doug said, "Say, you look gorgeous. Save me a dance and we'll catch up, okay?"

I agreed happily and I hugged him before linking arms with Daniel. Then I saw who I'd been waiting for---Steve and Kitty, gaping shamelessly from across the room! Daniel noticed me looking back at them and said, "Let me guess, Kitty and Steve?" I was just about to reply when I noticed something sad in the depths of his eyes.

"Oh, Daniel! Steve is just a friend now. I don't love him anymore, I love YOU!"

Daniel laughed and twirled me around in the air until I was dizzy and begging for mercy. "That's all I needed to hear!"

Suddenly Steve and Kitty were looming in front of us. I smiled and said "Hi! You guys look great! Daniel, these are my friends Steve and Kitty. Steve and Kitty, this is my boyfriend, Daniel Ash."

"How do you do?" Kitty murmured politely, looking at me jealously.

Steve shook hands with Daniel. "Pleasure to meet you," he mumbled.

"Save me a dance, Steve. Well, if Kitty and Daniel don't mind."

"No..." Kitty whispered.

"Of course not," Daniel said, eyes twinkling merrily.

"Then it's settled!" I said happily. "Well---"

My words were interrupted by a loud screeching and then total silence. A hassled, older man stepped onto the platform. I assumed he owned or managed Embassy Suites.

"I apologize for the interruption," he said, "but something's wrong with our sound system." He silenced the dismayed groans with an upraised hand. "I assure you that we will remedy the situation as soon as possible. In the meantime, please help yourself to some complimentary punch."

Disgruntled couples headed for the tables. Daniel and I took some punch and I said, "I hope they get the sound system fixed soon."

"Oh, I don't know," Daniel teased. "I'd be just as content to stare into your angel eyes for all eternity."

"You poet, you," I teased back. He kissed me once, then buried his face in my neck and his hands in my hair. I breathed in his cologne and wished that the night would never end.

Suddenly, the sound came on, and the song that was playing was Daniel's hit "All in My Mind". "I think that's our cue," Daniel said, and led me to the dance floor, where we danced cheek to cheek. When the song ended, I said, "Daniel, I think I'm ready to go. I want to be with you tonight."

He pulled away and looked deep in my eyes. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life," I whispered.

He smiled and led me out to the limo. "Just keep driving," he ordered the chaffeur.

"Yes sir," the chauffeur said, and favoring us with a wink, he put up the partition.

Daniel and I kissed passionately, deeply. His arms went around me and clutched my trembling body close to him. His hot wet tongue made its way into my mouth, and I shuddered with ecstasy. (12) Suddenly, he pulled away from me and stared deep in my eyes. I loved looking at him, soaking in every beloved detail of the man I adored.

"C," he whispered huskily. "Oh, gorgeous..." Momentarily at a loss for words, he kissed my hand. "If you only knew how much I---how much I love you. How much I want to make love to you," he blurted.

"Oh, Daniel, I want you too," I said.

"I'm sorry," he said sheepishly. "I always promised myself that I'd never pressure you into anything, especially sex. But I just want you so badly right now."

I was torn. I hadn't been about to discourage Daniel---just the opposite! Every time we were together, he lavished me with praise, spent loads of money on me, and made me so happy to be alive. Also, I wanted him sexually too. I had had boyfriends before, but never like Daniel. Every day I fantasized about the time we would finally do it. That time was now.


"I'm sorry, I was way out of line. I---"

"Please let me have my say," I said gently. "You've got nothing to apologize for. We all have these---these needs." Somehow this struck us as funny, and we giggled. Then I grew serious again and said, "I'm no exception to the rule. Believe me, I get horny a lot! But before now, there was never any love behind the desire. I do love you, very much, and I'm glad you asked me because I never would have had the courage to ask you myself."

"Do you mean---"

I laughed giddily. "Yes, Daniel, yes! I want you to make love to me until the sun rises!"

He gently pushed me down on the seat and reached behind me to unzip my dress. Then he deftly unhooked my bra, and my naked chest was exposed to his view.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured as his hands glided over my aching, erect breasts. Using light strokes, he caressed me until I writhed with joy. I felt like I would burst. He let go of them and ran his skilled hands over my heaving sides. He hooked his fingers under the elastic of my panties and slipped them down around my legs. He devoured me with his eyes for a brief, intense moment, then he bent over me. I groaned and shivered as his pliant mouth met my tender pink flesh. His tongue circled my sizzling womanhood (13) and eagerly lapped at me.

Then he rose abruptly, just as I was about to enjoy my first interpersonal orgasm. He divested himself of his clothes and flung them on the floor on top of mine. He wasn't wearing any underwear, and I gasped at his endowment. (14)

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

"You're just so huge!" I stammered.

He grinned. "I'll take that as a compliment, my love," he said tenderly, running his hands through my hair.

And then he was hovering over me, lips covering mine. It felt so good to have his muscular sweaty body against mine! I unabashedly parted my legs and felt him graze the core of my being. (15) He teased me with it and then drove inside.

I moaned with a strange mixture of pain and pleasure. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was beginning to feel better every second. I hugged his bucking back as beads of sweat broke out on my forehead. I reveled in exquisite ripples of ecstasy.

My cries intensified as my climax grew imminent. The noise seemed to incite him and he pounded harder against me. I came in waves that seemed like they would never stop! Seeing my excitement lit a fire in him and he shot inside of me and withdrew from me.

"Oh Jesus," he moaned, ensnaring me in his grasp. "Oh, that was so fantastic, baby!"

I was sore but it felt good. I curled up closer to him and we fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next thing we knew, we were blinking as daylight hit our faces. The chauffeur was leaning into the door, smirking at us. "Sorry to disturb you, sir and madam, but if you want to keep riding, you'll have to pay for another hour."

Daniel reached into his wallet and threw a hundred dollar bill at him. "Keep the change, and keep bloody driving."


1. I did mention this was a fantasy, yes?

2. Steve was a genially goofy guy, two years older, that I used to hang out with. I had a massive crush on him, and I was hoping he would take me to the prom, but he took someone else instead. And yes, her real name was Kitty.

3. Daniel Ash rocked the guyliner way before guyliner was cool.

4. Urp, here comes that kobe beef!

5. I saw this dress in Seventeen; obviously it made a big impression on me.

6. It was the eighties!

7. Seriously gonna puke now.

8. I still feel this way.

9. Hi, ripoff of Sixteen Candles much?

10. This is quite possibly the most pointless explanation ever.

11. Doug was really hot, had a Mustang, AND told a boy who was bullying me to leave me alone or else he'd kick his ass after school. Needless to say, massive crushage ensued.

12. I sure thought sex involved a lot of trembling and shivering and shuddering.

13. Maybe I should have gotten that looked at by a doctor. Also, My Sizzling Womanhood would be an awesome band name.