Monday, September 19, 2005

she don't use jelly (no more)



I went to the printer to pick up some arbitration decisions, and I noticed that someone had brought in a plastic orange pumpkin filled to the brim with Halloween candy. A sign taped to the pumpkin said "Please help yourself!"

Well, who am I to question the plastic pumpkin?

My fingers, already twitching in anticipation of the sugar buzz, reached inside and began sifting through the candy in hopes of finding a treasured Tootsie Roll or four. No such luck. I decided to supplement my handful of bite-size Milky Ways with a Reese's peanut butter cup, and I had just extricated my hand when


"Kyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" I shrieked, flinging the candy into the air.

My boss burst into laughter, clutching his sides. "Jeez, I'm sorry! You okay?"

"Don't kill her, I need her to photocopy for me!" Helga bellowed from the end of the aisle.

Memo to self: lay off sugar. Lay off caffeine for good measure.


Sugar buzz gone.

Already hungry, I guiltily slunk into the break room, where a grease-stained box of Krispy Kremes left over from a meeting sat on the counter, beckoning me. I grabbed one and returned to my cube, where I devoured the treat in two bites and got back to work. I had been at it for about five minutes when I had to take a whiz, so I stood up, putting my hands on the side of the chair.


I looked down at my hand, where something that looked for all the world like a blood clot was stuck to my pinky.

"I'm bleeding," I whispered. "I have ebola, and I'm going to crap out my own guts like a zombie in a Fulci film."

I looked down at my skirt, decorated with similar blobs.

Death smells like...strawberries?

Tentatively, I raised my hand to my nose and took a whiff.

Apparently, while I was eating the donut, jelly pooped out the other side and onto my chair and lap.


Shout wipes activate!