Part 1: you asked, I answer

Oh, dude, I just got back from my massage and I'm feelin' so loose like a long-necked goose, to quote the late and marginally lamented Big Bopper. Still, I shall endeavor to answer a few of your questions before loping off to bed and passing out.

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Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?

I don’t know, but if I ever find out who it is, I’m gonna paste him and paste him GOOD.

Why can I only see God after huffing aerosol cans for hours on end?

Because God is a homeless 17-year-old skate punk, and there’s nothing He loves more than a paper bag full of Krylon fumes.

What is your favorite kind of monkey and why?

A fiendishly difficult question to answer! Tamarins make me melt with their eensy little hands and their Salvador Dali mustaches, but there’s much to be said for the lively and intelligent capuchin as well, with their wise old man faces and zany antics. Basically, I love all primates aside from baboons (mean and ugly), chimpanzees (disturbing tendency to bite the faces and balls off unsuspecting people), and Colin Farrell.

Aside from Japan and Iceland, to what other foreign country would you like to travel and why?

Finances permitting, I’m hoping to visit Costa Rica next year. I’ve always wanted to see the majesty of the rainforests for myself, and of course, Costa Rica is home to many wonderful and exotic creatures, including my beloved monkeys and sloths. I’d also love to see more of France---I’ve only been to Paris---as well as Italy (incredible food, handsome men, beautiful art), the neon buzz and dazzle of Hong Kong, and the Seychelles, which, judging from the photographs I’ve seen, is quite possibly the most beautiful place on earth.

What junk food item have you been dying to try but haven’t for fear it would make your heart explode?

Darling, I’ve tried a Luther (cheeseburger between glazed donuts), Hot Monkey Love (a deep-fried Snickers bar with vanilla ice cream), and a Carl’s Jr. Breakfast Burger (hamburger patty, fried egg, tater tots, and cheese between two sesame seed buns); I can’t imagine anything potentially delicious that I wouldn’t try. I am curious about deep-fried Twinkies, though.

Do you really read and watch all the stuff you say you do in your media updates?

I most certainly do! If I don’t read/watch something all the way through, it doesn’t make the list. I read very fast, plus I read during my lunch break at work and for at least an hour before bed, which means that I’m able to polish off at least one book every week. Plus, let's be honest, not everything I read is quality literature, and it takes much less time to plow through a Jackie Collins novel than it does to read, say, Madame Bovary. As far as the movies, G and I usually watch at least one movie every weekend, and sometimes two.

What TV shows do you watch?

My current favorite, at least until The Simpsons comes back, is Who Wants to Be a Superhero? God, I love this show so much I want to marry it, and if Major Victory doesn't win I will throw myself facedown on the floor and have a right old tantrum. I also watch Jeopardy!, all three CSIs (although only the original consistently keeps my interest), Rescue Me, and Nip/Tuck. We don't get G4 at the Merry Mansion, but G and I watch it on the weekends. X-Play is a video game review show hosted by the incredibly funny and personable Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb. They get some great lines; for example, for one game that featured babies as the protagonists, Adam said, "After ten minutes of this game, you want to take a coat hanger to the whole thing." I also really like Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions, which features clips from video games, including some truly weird Japanese ones that we'll probably never see on our shores. They also had a long segment on one of my all-time favorite games, Illbleed, which ensured my faithful viewership. OMG, G4, BFF!

EDITED TO ADD: Gah, I can't believe I forgot Lost and The Sopranos! It's been so long since I saw either one that I just plumb forgot.

To be continued...