Thursday, September 29, 2011

curiosity made the cat...vomit

I've been a diehard fragrance addict since I received a Tinkerbell beauty kit as a little girl, containing a waxy lipstick, whorish pink blush, and a bottle of perfume. In retrospect, I'm sure it was cloyingly sweet and almost unbearable to anybody in a 5-mile radius, but I thought it was the most sophisticated scent ever and happily doused myself in it.

When I was younger, I always had a signature fragrance; Electric Youth and Navy when I was in high school, Liz Claiborne when I was in college, Angel for many years. But there are just too many perfumes to limit myself to just one, and now I have a collection of over 50 perfumes (including samples) that I choose from according to my mood, or what I want my mood to be, or just the first bottle that catches my eye when I open my linen closet. I'm not much of a girly girl in most ways, but I never leave the house without applying perfume first.

Now, being a dedicated "frag hag" means keeping abreast of the latest releases, and over the years, I've read about a perfume with the horrifying name of Secretions Magnifiques. It was created by a French company called Etat Libre d'Orange which is renowned for its raunchy names (such as Don't Get Me Wrong, Baby, I Don't Swallow) and unusual scents. People are sharply divided on Secretions Magnifiques; one reviewer called it "the ending scene of Eraserhead in a bottle", another claimed it was just a boring replica of ocean air, and Luca Turin, the Roger Ebert of fragrance reviewers, deemed it a masterpiece. I was morbidly curious, and felt like trying it would be a necessary rite of passage---an initiation, if you will, into the hardcore club of fragrance mavens---so when I had the opportunity to get a sample recently, I decided to just go for it.

Today, after work, the sample package was waiting for me. Inside were three gourmand fragrances (Praline Santal, Serge Lutens Jeux de Peau, and Fool for Love) and...oh yeah...Secretions Magnifiques, which came with a little drawing of an ejaculating penis.


Well, here goes nothing, I thought, and uncapping the vial, I applied a couple of drops to my inner elbow, which (unlike my wrists) was fragrance free.



...Friends, how can I possibly begin to describe this fragrance to you?

Imagine Dexter, the serial killer of the eponymous TV show, sneaking onto the grounds of a rich murderer who is sitting by his pool, enjoying breakfast. We'll call the other dude Patrick, just because. Patrick is alternating between spooning cereal into his mouth and masturbating idly. Dexter sneaks up behind Patrick and stabs him to death just as he reaches climax. Patrick's body and his cereal bowl tumble into the pool, and the smell of chlorine, blood, sperm, and milk all mix together into an unholy miasma called Secretions Magnifiques.

I read somewhere, or saw on CSI or someshit, that if you grin as wide as you can, you are physically unable to gag. So, grinning like the Joker, I sprinted to the bathroom and proceeded to douse my arm with rubbing alcohol and then scrub off about fifteen layers of skin. My arm is bright red, but I can still smell it oh God I can still smell it oh Jesus it's in my mouth I CAN TASTE IT IN MY MOUTH

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

don't let's start

I'm bored, so here's a survey!

Z - Zodiac sign: Cancer...and a perfect specimen of the breed.

Y - Yummy food: Old-fashioned sugar cream pie. I had it again for the first time in 17 years earlier this month, courtesy of my brother, and it was just as delicious as I remembered. I seriously almost cried! It's probably a good thing I don't have easy access to it---for some reason it's only available in Indiana, and repeated attempts by friends and family to recreate the recipe for me, though tasty, haven't come close---because the effects on my health and weight would be seriously deletorious.

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth and ankle.

W - Wearing: Black shirt, jeans, sneakers, the usual undergarments, L'Artisan Tea for Two perfume, and a silver ring.

V - Video game: Currently I'm playing Alice: Madness Returns, which makes up for mediocre platforming and action with absolutely masterful level design. One of the most beautifully designed games I've ever played.

U - Unknown fact about me: Despite my sweet tooth, I don't like fudge.

T - Time you wake up: On weekdays, I set my alarm for 8AM and usually hit the snooze button at least twice. On weekends, G and I get up whenever the hell we want. It usually winds up being around 10AM, but sometimes it's earlier (if there's a game on) or later (if we stayed up until 3 or 4AM playing video games).

S - Song you last heard: As you might have deduced from my entry title, "Don't Let's Start" by They Might Be Giants.

R - Reason to smile: G.

Q - Quote you like: "When life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic." (Joan Rivers)

P - Phobia[s]: Clowns, because their cheerful painted faces hide a soul of menace. Spiders, potato bugs, centipedes, and cockroaches. Dying naked and having the paramedics laugh at my body. Having my nude, dead body violated by a mortician that looks like Crispin Glover. (Not that I would want even a hot mortician---is there such a thing?---doing that, but when I lay awake at night and think of scary, evil things like that, I always imagine the perpetrator as looking like Crispin Glover, which I'm sure would thrill him no end.) Dying in circumstances that would be humorous to others (like the guy in the early 90's who was killed when a pig fell from the sky---they were shooting a commercial with the tag line "when pigs fly" and had hoisted an enormous pig into a harness and dangled it from a helicopter, only to have the harness break and send the pig spiraling downwards---and wound up being a running joke on Letterman for at least two weeks). Sleeping under hotel comforters.

O - One time on accident: I walked into the men's locker room at the gym. I had been swimming, so of course I wasn't wearing my glasses and didn't notice that I pushed open the wrong door. At least that's what I told the cops.

N - Number of siblings: As far as I know, just my brother, but my dad was a big ol' playa when he was younger, so there may be a few related Amerasians running around Taiwan that I don't know about.

M - Mom's name: Whatsittoyouise.

L - Love to watch this movie over and over again: Hedwig and the Angry Inch and Kick-Ass

K - Kindergarten reminds you of: cutting out paper dolls with safety scissors and having them come out looking more like a prop from a Tim Burton film.

J - Job title: All-purpose office monkey.

I - Instruments: Uh huh huh..."instruments".

H - Home town: I am a child of the universe. (::vomits rainbows::)

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Neither. I like gummy octopi because it's funny to clamp them between your teeth with the tentacles hanging out and ask someone, "Do I have something stuck in my teeth?"

F - Favorite song of the moment: "Heavenly Star" by Genki Rockets

E - Easiest person to talk to: G

D - Dad's name: Whydoyoucareyokie.

C - Career in future: My Magic 8-Ball says "All-purpose office monkey." Thanks, you big black ball of doom. I'll be bowling you down the stormdrain now.

B - Band listening to right now: The marching band in my head playing "Louie Louie". Oh no...they gotta go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A - Age: 40.


1. Started watching a new show called A Gifted Man and didn't even make it to the first commercial break. So far the only "keeper" new show I've seen is The New Girl, though I reserve the right to quit if Zooey Deschanel's twee gets to be too cloying.
2. Didn't clean the kitchen like I meant to.
3. Started reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern.


1. Was actually on time to work.
2. Ordered the Alice: Madness Returns artbook from Amazon.
3. Have a desperately needed massage after work.


1. Coke Zero
2. Q-tips (generic ones absolutely will not do)
3. Smuckers Uncrustables


1. "Out of Time" by REM
2. The soundtrack to Hedwig and the Angry Inch
3. "Flood" by They Might Be Giants

1. Kyoto
2. Paris
3. Tuscany


1. Swear
2. Pee
3. Make my bed

Friday, September 16, 2011

snowboard with a yeti eating veggie spaghetti

(Entry title comes from "Gone Guru" by Lifeseeker, which is currently playing in the background)

Yoinked from Amandear because it talks about magazines and books and video games and I couldn't resist.

How many magazines do you buy regularly or subscribe to?

Thanks to assorted rewards programs, I get basically every magazine ever: Cosmopolitan, Elle, Us, Glamour, Harper's Bazaar, In Style, Marie Claire, Martha Stewart Living, O, Allure, Self, Entertainment Weekly, Time, W, TV Guide, Wired, and Details, which I wouldn't ordinarily subscribe to, but it came as a freebie with Wired.

Are there any magazines that went out of print that you miss?

I miss Shojo Beat something fierce. I was also really sorry when Sassy (and wow am I dating myself here) closed up shop.

Do you keep magazines when you finish with them?

I get so many of them that there's just no way I can keep them all without my apartment making a guest appearance on Hoarders. So I hold onto them for about a month (except for TV Guide, obvs) and then I lug them to work and drop them off in the break room.

Do you read the newspaper?

Only online.

Have you ever cancelled a subscription?

No, I've just let them lapse here and there.

Are there any authors whose work you must read when they publish something new?

Stephen King, John Connolly (whose latest, The Burning Soul, is sitting on my coffee table even as we, um, "speak"), Maria McCann, Gillian Flynn, JK Rowling, Karin Slaughter, Laura Joh Rowland, Sophie Hannah, Chelsea Cain, and Mo Hayder. And after being blown away by Knockemstiff and The Devil All the Time last month, I'm adding Donald Ray Pollock to the list.

Have you ever waited in line for a book?

The last Harry Potter book. I refused to go online until I'd finished because I was sure some asshole would post a massive spoiler.

Ever had a book signed by the author?

I have several books signed by John Connolly, who hasn't returned to my neck of the woods in quite some time...probably because he's afraid I'll violate the restraining order.

What radio stations do you listen to?

KROQ, Jack, and KRUZ. For you non-SoCal residents, the first one is alternative and the others feature an eclectic mix.

What TV channels and shows do you watch regularly?

The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, Hell's Kitchen (god, please don't let Elise win this season), Law & Order: SVU, CSI (the original, although I doubt I'll stick with it much longer because they keep getting rid of major characters and it's annoying), Wilfred, and The Walking Dead, which comes back next month. Yay! G and I also watch Dexter together, but we have to wait until it comes out on DVD because neither one of us gets Showtime. We just finished season 5, and although it was nowhere near as eventful or good as season 4, I didn't think it sucked, which puts me in the minority if the online reviews are to be believed. We're going to start season 2 of The Wire this weekend.

What video game consoles do you play?

I have a Wii, Dreamcast, Playstation 2, Gamecube, and Nintendo DS, and G has an XBOX360 and Playstation 3, so we've got all our gaming needs covered.

What video game series do you play?

I've been a huge Resident Evil fan ever since I first stepped into that mansion back in 1996. At the time, my mom was nearing the end of her fight with cancer, and Resident Evil served as a desperately needed escape from reality for me during the rare hours I was away from the hospital, for which I'll always be grateful. The occasional hiccup like RE: Dead Aim aside, it's a fun goddamn series. RE4 is my favorite, though RE2 and RE: Code Veronica come pretty close.

And need you even ask who my favorite character is? Why, it's sexy, floppy-haired badass Leon Kennedy, of course! Just look at him!


...ahem, sorry. Moving on.

I'm also a rabid Silent Hill fangirl, and I've got the t-shirts (and the 138 tracks on my iTunes, and the visit to the Silent Hill themed haunted house back in 2009, and the poster) to prove it. The original is still the scariest fucking game I've ever played, bar none. I always like to say that Silent Hill is the Jacob's Ladder to Resident Evil's Dawn of the Dead; they're both frightening, but Silent Hill is the one that will fuck with your mind, as opposed to Resident Evil's funhouse scares. I damn near had a breakdown in Midwich Elementary thanks to those horrifying little skinless kids wandering around and, you know, stabbing me in the goddamn leg while making that orgasmic moaning sound. The second installment, however, is not just my favorite in the series, but my favorite video game of all time. Yeah, the graphics are pretty dated now, and the voice acting isn't always the best, but the storyline more than makes up for it. It's about a dude named James Sunderland who receives a letter from his wife asking him to meet her in Silent Hill, their "special place". Well, that's all fine and dandy, but she's been dead for a while. James goes to Silent Hill to find out what's going on, and as usual, the place is seriously effed up. There was one pivotal moment where I just sat there gaping at the screen, and when I was able to control James again, I had to pause so I could just keep babbling "oh my god, oh my GOD!" over and over again. Great stuff.

Silent Hill: Downpour was originally supposed to come out next month, but they've changed the release date to March 2012. Ordinarily I'd be supremely salted, but I'll have Dead Rising 2: Off the Record (an alternate version of DR2 featuring intrepid photographer Frank West instead of hawt devoted daddy Chuck Greene) to keep my mind off it until then, so I'm only moderately salted.

There's another awesome series: Dead Rising. It cracks me up when I remember how G and I were so pissed off by the first game that we were about to send it back to Gamefly, but then we decided to try again and now we're in mad passionate love with it and we're always taking it up in a tree and K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I'm not a violent person at all---well, except towards bugs in my apartment---but you would never know it to see me joyfully plowing through hundreds of zombies with chainsaws tied to a paddle.

And Dead Space! Jumpin' Jesus Jehosaphat, if any game comes close to taking Silent Hill's bloodstained sash for SCARIEST GAME EVAR OMG OMG, it's Dead Space 2. I seriously thought I was going to wet 'em at one point, thanks to those awful birdlike monsters.

Oh, and Quantic Dream. That's a developer, not a series, but thanks to the seriously-flawed-but-still-fun Indigo Prophecy and the utterly brilliant Heavy Rain, one of only three games I'd give a perfect 10, I will play anything they ever put out, guaranteed.

Finally, the Professor Layton series and the Cooking/Crafting/Camping Mama games, because after a long day of battling zombies, necromorphs, and serial killers, sometimes a girl just wants to solve some puzzles and make a fucking omelette.