Thursday, June 21, 2012


Today is the 15 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, and I didn't even remember until my dad mentioned it.

I feel like a piece of shit.

I'm sorry, Mom. I love you.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

if I had a million thumbs I'd twiddle

Stolen from my friend Debbie:

1. A selection of television programs you do not care for.

Any reality show where people get rewarded for being vapid and/or pregnant teenagers and/or drunks and/or irresponsible breeders and/or the hideous overbearing mother of a child beauty queen. Medical and legal dramas, with the notable exception of Law & Order: SVU. American Idol and The Voice. And I used to really like Glee, but it got excruciating and I quit two episodes into the second season.

2. A selection of musical artists you do not care for.

I'm not a huge fan of most rap, to be honest.

3. A selection of celebrities you couldn’t care less about.

The Kardashian klan (though I'll admit a weakness for Khloe because she's the only one who seems to understand how fucking ridiculous it all is), Charlie Sheen, any Teen Mom, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton.

4. A hobby you “don’t get”.

Extreme couponing.

5. A habit you find disgusting.

When they go to the printers, people at work FUCKING LICK THEIR FINGERS while flipping through the pages. If they had their own printer, I wouldn't care at all, but we share printers and I don't need these phlegmy old bitches getting their goddamn saliva all over my stuff. Seriously, it's not just one of my coworkers, it's almost all of them! One in particular is so enthusiastic about her gross habit that you'd think she'd just eaten a bucket of KFC. It's so nasty that I rerouted my stuff to print at a lesser-used machine several rows away. I'm not a germaphobe by any stretch, but come on.

6. Something in school you really liked doing that everyone else bitched over.

Required reading for English and literature classes. Not everything was good, of course, but I wound up loving a couple of them (Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary) that I never would have read on my own.

7. Your favorite household chore.

Paying bills. Before you think I'm off my nut, I don't like the fact that I'm shelling out my hard-earned money to SoCal Edison and my landlady; I just find writing out the check and sealing up the envelope very soothing, like "Yes, this is taken care of for another month." Plus I can do it while watching TV, so there's that.

8. Popular video games that make you go “meh”.

With a few notable exceptions like Persona 4 and Odin Sphere, I'm not a huge fan of the RPG genre. And it's not that I find them "meh", but I can't do first person games like Portal and Bioshock because they give me motion sickness. I hope to Christ they never make a first person Silent Hill or Resident Evil game because I will be devastated.

9. PC or MAC?

PC because I think Apple's "planned obsolescence" business model is reprehensible.

10. A sport you don’t like, for whatever reason.

All of them.

11. A sport you really like, for whatever reason.

None of them. Well, okay, I kind of like watching figure skating.

12. Television programs you love but have gotten shit for liking.

Despite my general distaste for reality TV and complete lack of cooking skill whatsoever, I fucking LOVE Hell's Kitchen and Masterchef. I was so excited when their new seasons started earlier this month, and not just that, but they have new episodes on Monday AND Tuesday! That's four hours a week of Gordon Ramsay-induced schadenfreude. Every time he calls someone a donkey or a muppet, I just about piss myself laughing. It's awesome. He's far nicer on Masterchef because those aren't professional cooks; Joe Bastianich is the meanie on that one.

13. Musical artists you love but have gotten shit for liking.

Somebody laughed at my Smiths shirt back in junior high and said, "God, you actually like that whiny f----t?", but that's about it. And a lot of people don't get my mad passionate love for Sparks, but nobody's actually given me crap about it.

14. A hobby you have/find interesting that other people bother you over/make fun of.

I occasionally get a raised eyebrow when I bring a stack of manga to the checkout counter at the library, but nothing overt.

15. A habit you have that other people bug you over.

I don't bite my nails down to the quick anymore, but I'll occasionally nibble at my cuticles. Yes, I know it's gross.

16. Something at work you hate doing and it feels like everyone else loves.

Socializing! When they aren't busy spreading their saliva all over other people's papers, these bitches are talking and talking and TALKING. One of them has a laugh that, no lie, sounds EXACTLY like the Wicked Witch of the West. It makes me want to shove an envelope opener into my eardrums. And occasionally we'll have some sort of forced jollility like a birthday party, and it's absolutely excruciating. We all stand around holding plates laden with a slice of Costco cake so thickly frosted that the plate is buckling and a red plastic cup of generic soda and we're making small talk and I just want to fling it all on the ground and run shrieking from the building.

17. The household chore that makes you want to shoot your own face off.

I don't like "wet work" like cleaning the toilet and tub. And I also don't like cleaning my living room because I swear to God there's a dust fairy who gleefully sprinkles motes everywhere about two seconds after I clean. For some reason, the dust gets really bad in there. Plus when I flip my couch cushions and pillows, I'm always afraid a spider will crawl onto me.

18. A selection of video games that you enjoy that perhaps you really shouldn’t.

I REALLY liked Rule of Rose, the PS2 psychological horror game that caused a huge controversy in Europe and Australia due to its disturbing content. (And also due to the fact that, according to Wikipedia, some asshat politician in France claimed the goal of the game was to rape, torture, and kill a little girl, which is absolute BULLSHIT.) You play a young woman named Jennifer who winds up in an abandoned orphanage. The adults have all disappeared, and now the orphanage is run by a cruel clique of girls who call themselves the Red Crayon Aristocrats. They demand tributes from Jennifer, and with the help of a loyal dog she rescues, she searches for the gifts while trying to piece together what really happened.

Yes, the combat blows, but the graphics (at least for the time) are gorgeous, the soundtrack is perfect, and the ending left me in tears. It's a twisted Victorian storybook, the saddest fairytale of all time populated by mean girls and heartbroken lesbians, and I loved it.

Another one in this category is Deadly Premonition. Its combat makes Rule of Rose look like Gears of War and its graphics would have been laughable on the Dreamcast, but man, it's so fucking bizarre that it must be played to be believed. Throw Twin Peaks and a sheet of blotter acid into a blender, top it off with a fat dollop of weirdness as only the Japanese can do it (I mean that as a compliment, by the way), and you've got Deadly Premonition. $17 on Amazon, and worth twice that at least.

19. A celebrity crush that maybe even you don’t understand.

Well, I can justify all of my celebrity crushes, but the one that absolutely flabbergasts G is Jeremy Renner. He just doesn't get it, nor does our (male) friend C, but the little girls understand.

20. Free rant on whatever grinds your gears at the moment.

People at work who stand and have long conversations while blocking a doorway, the fridge in the breakroom, the water dispenser, or the bathroom sink and then have the nerve to look at ME like I'm the asshole for asking them to move! Fuck you, chippies.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

I cover crime in Vallejo (EDIT with answers)

EDIT: Now with answers and assorted babbling! If a movie I quoted is in my top ten of all time, I made a note of it.

Once again stealing from the estimable [Amandear], I bring to you the movie quote quiz! This is a selection of quotes from some of my absolute favorite movies, as well as a sprinkling of quotes from movies I've seen this year and two bonus quotes, one in the title and one from a movie I haven't seen yet, but will be seeing as soon as humanly possible.

No Googling because it makes Baby Jesus/Baby Ganesh/Baby Deity of Your Choice/Your Favorite Person If You're An Atheist cry.

1. “No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort!”

ANSWER: 50/50

2. “Baby, you came out of the closet, you stole your dad's car, and you ran off with the school whore. You're already dead."

ANSWER: Dirty Girl

3. CHARACTER X: "You should ask someone else. There's no happy ending with me."

CHARACTER Y: "I still want to hear it."

ANSWER: This is Roy and Alexandria from The Fall. Here are the opening credits (and just so you know, the vast majority of the movie is in color and has spoken dialogue):

I was instantly hooked. Even if I hadn't been, the mere fact that David Fincher and Spike Jonze went to bat for this movie would have kept me watching. If you've never seen it and you're willing to keep an open mind, give it a try and let me know what you think. Just be sure to give it a fair chance; G wasn't digging it until about halfway through, and then he wound up giving it 5 stars on Netflix. (Top 10)

4. "Would you like a lolly? Strawberry or fuck you?"

ANSWER: Killer Elite

5. "I'm a fat geek, okay? I know what a zombie is."

ANSWER: Young Adult

6. "You phony prick fraudulent motherfucker. Do something! Come on! Prove it! Fuck faith! Earn it! Show me something real! I need it now. Not later. Now! Show me and I'll believe in You until the day I die...fuck it, I'll do it myself."

ANSWER: The Grey

7. "Yeah I'm for pussy!"

ANSWER: A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

8. "Better clench up, Legolas."

ANSWER: This is Iron Man talking to Hawkeye in The Avengers. I'm very glad nobody guessed one of the Lord of the Rings movies or I would have had to block them. (Okay, not really, but it would have given me such a sad.)

9. "I fucking hate Goldfrapp."

ANSWER: Hard Candy

10. "I like her red hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes."

ANSWER: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

11. "Excuse me...who are you? Excuse me...who are you?"

ANSWER: Satoshi Kon's brilliant anime film Perfect Blue, aka the movie that Black Swan ripped off like a motherfucker. (The fact that Darren Aronofsky bought the remake rights to Perfect Blue years before Black Swan came out cannot possibly be a coincidence.)

Side note: My brother and I actually saw this in a Parisian movie theater in 1999. I can't remember why, but practically everything was closed on that day and we were tired from walking, so when I saw a theater playing this I freaked the hell out and insisted we see it. For some reason---probably the fact that I'm a moron---I thought it would have English subtitles and French dubbing or vice versa. Um, no; it had the original Japanese dialogue and French subtitles. I took 4 years of French in high school and 1 in college, so I was able to follow along fairly well thanks to the subtitles, but my poor brother was bored as fuck.

12. "It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus."

ANSWER: Sideways. I didn't want to do the "I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!" quote because it was too obvious. (Top 10)

13. "The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch."

ANSWER: 500 Days of Summer

14. "My friends, you bow to no one."

ANSWER: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. I was absolutely sobbing in the theater. (Top 10)

15. "Okay, you cunts...let's see what you can do now."

ANSWER: Hit Girl's first line in Kick-Ass. Speaking of which, OH MY GOD JESUS CHRIST, they're making a sequel! Allegedly. That rumor's been bumping around for a while, and then it got debunked, and then it popped up again when Mark Millar, the creator of the graphic novel, said that he's working on the script. I mean, I'll have to actually be sitting in a theater waiting for it to start until I believe it's real, but a spark of hope has kindled in my darkened heart! (Top 10)

16. "The summer I was 8 years old, five hours disappeared from my life. Five hours. Lost. Gone without a trace."

ANSWER: Mysterious Skin, the movie that put Joseph Gordon-Levitt on my radar. Great book, fantastic movie.

17. "Shit...Shinola."

ANSWER: The Jerk

18. "Remember the bad guys on the shows you used to watch on Saturday mornings? Well, these guys aren't like those guys. They won't exercise restraint because you are children. They WILL kill you if they get the chance. Do not give them that chance."

ANSWER: The Incredibles. I was stunned (in a good way) that this dialogue appeared in a movie for kids. This is my favorite Pixar movie, and also in my top 10.

19. "You will see me one more time, if you do good. You will see me two more times, if you do bad. Good night."

ANSWER: Mulholland Drive. (Top 10)

20. "We have a whole life to live together, you fucker, but it can't start until you call!"

ANSWER: Me, You, and Everyone We Know (Top 10)

21. "Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame."

ANSWER: Clerks

22. "After my divorce, I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs - mostly the jobs we call blow. I had lost my job at the base PX, and I had lost my gag reflex. You do the math."

ANSWER: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Top 10)

23. "Hey, Pops. What are you doing there? Whacking off to the E! Channel again?"

ANSWER: Running Scared. Not the one with Gregory Hines, but the one with the mindblowingly gorgeous Paul Walker. God, this movie is fucking awesome. It has Paul Walker going down on Vera Farmiga, more profanity than clean words, creepy Tim Burtonesque ending credits, and the most justified use of vigilante violence I've ever seen in a movie. It is an absolute must!

Now I'm in the mood to watch it again. Totally popping that on my Netflix queue right now.

24. "High school's better than junior high. They'll still call you names, but not so much to your face."

ANSWER: Welcome to the Dollhouse (Top 10)

25. "You're taking a picture of yourself at Ground Zero: do you smile?"

ANSWER: Shortbus

BONUS QUOTE: "Who are you killing next? Do you take requests? Because I was thinking maybe some Kardashians, my gym coach. People who give high fives. Really, any jock. Twihards. People who talk about punk rock. Who else really rips my cock off? Oh, Mormons and other religious assholes who won't let gay people be married. And adult women who call their tits the girls."

ANSWER: God Bless America. I saw the trailer and it looks like Idiocracy had a baby with Natural Born Killers. It comes out on DVD next month and I can't wait to see it.

TITLE QUOTE: Zodiac. As long as we're on the subject of unjustly ignored movies, see this one. It made less than half of its budget back and didn't get a single fucking Oscar nomination, which is a crime. I mean, come on, it's got Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, AND Robert Downey Jr. in it and it was directed by David Fincher! Yeah, it's almost 2 1/2 hours, but it's so engrossing it flies by. Another movie that gets my highest recommendation.