Thursday, November 03, 2011

the last 10 movies I didn't finish watching

This entry, compiled with the help of my Netflix rental history, is a list of the last 10 movies I didn't finish watching and why. A title's inclusion on this list doesn't necessarily mean it's a shitty movie; I have so much stuff to read/watch/play that I tend to give up on something rather quickly if it doesn't instantly grab me. If you see a movie here that you loved and want to plead a case for, I'm all ears.

1. Beautiful Boy: Maria Bello and Michael Sheen play a married couple going through a rough patch. Well, it gets considerably rougher when their son goes on a shooting rampage at his college and then kills himself. The acting is superlative, but oh my god, it was like getting kicked in the emotional breadbasket over and over. I made it to the halfway point before saying "Hey, you know what? I need some South Park up in this bitch before I climb into the bathtub and drink myself into unconsciousness." I don't think all movies have to be happy and uplifting, but sweet fancy Moses, there's a fucking LIMIT.

2. Amer: I've always been a fan of giallo (hyperstylized Italian horror movies; probably the most famous example is Suspiria, and I think Black Swan was definitely inspired by the genre), so when I heard about this French version, I had to check it out. It starts out well enough: a young girl in a creepy mansion with a dead guy, garishly colored glimpses of sex, and so on. But then the girl grows up and it becomes a huge yawnfest. I might try this one again at some point, but I just wasn't in the mood to wait for it to get interesting again.

3. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night: A paranormal investigator has boring adventures in New Orleans. I wanted to like this because he has a zombie sidekick and it's based on a comic book, but no.

4. Take Me Home Tonight: A spoof of 80's teen sexploitation films that lacked any charm or humor. Great opening credits and soundtrack, though.

5. My Dog Tulip: An animated movie about a man and his dog that is sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow as slow can be. Also, the animation was kind of weird and off-putting.

6. Kaboom: A gay college student has a monster crush on his genially stupid roommate Thor (unfortunately not the Chris Hemsworth version), and one night he goes to a party, gets stoned, and weird shit happens that I didn't care about. I wanted to like this movie because I thought director/screenwriter Gregg Araki did a fantastic job adapting Mysterious Skin, but I just didn't.

7. HappyThankYouMorePlease: Okay, so a dude is going to an extremely important job interview and sees a little black kid accidentally get left behind on the subway. Inexplicably, instead of calling the cops, he drags the kid to his interview and then I don't know because I was so irritated by this lapse in judgment. PissedNoThankYouEjectPlease.

8. Somewhere: God, I wanted to like this movie so much! Not only did I love every single one of Sofia Coppola's previous movies, but it has Chris Pontius (of Jackass and Wildboyz fame) in it, and I freakin' love that genial stoner. But it is the slowest fucking movie in the history of the world. Remember when I said #5 on this list was slow? Somewhere makes it look like Crank.

9. Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo: A documentary about the Japanese obsession with collecting beetles. About as exciting as it sounds.

10. No Strings Attached: Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher decide to be fuck buddies and, by mutual agreement, not fall in love with each other in the process. Can you guess what happens? Yeah, I actually wound up skipping to the end just to see if they surprised me. Spoiler alert: no. I will give this movie credit for having the good sense to cast my imaginary BFFs Greta Gerwig and Mindy Kaling, and for one funny scene where Ashton Kutcher buys Natalie Portman a balloon after the first time they bone. Upon hearing this cringeworthy anecdote, his friend exclaims "You bought her a balloon? Who are you, the old guy from Up?" There, now you don't have to see this movie. You're welcome.