media update: March

Don't ask me why this media update is so sparse, considering that, like just about everybody else, I was self-isolating at home for a huge chunk of March.  I mean, I DID get a job near the beginning of the month, but it was part-time and I only worked a grand total of 9 days before the place I worked drastically cut down hours and then shut down entirely until further notice.  True, the libraries were closed, but I still have a Kindle Fire loaded with books that I could've been reading this whole time.  Aside from Hidden City and anxiety attacks/avoidance naps/stress diarrhea and vomiting, I'm not sure where my month went.

TL;DR fuck you, COVID-19.  Fuck you HAAAAAAAAAAAAARD.

Asterisks denote something I particularly enjoyed or found especially worthy of my time; double asterisks are reserved for the creme de la creme.  As always, your mileage may vary.

FICTION

1. The Perfect World of Miwako Sumida by Clarissa Goenawan:  Ryusei is devastated when Miwako, the object of his (unrequited) affection, dies by suicide.  He and her best friend Chie travel to a remote village where Miwako spent her final days, hoping to find out what caused her to take her own life.

2020 total so far: 10


NONFICTION

1. Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies That Nearly Killed Me by Erin Khar:  A memoir of the author's long struggle with heroin addiction.

2020 total so far: 5


MANGA/GRAPHIC NOVELS

1. Citrus+ by Saburouta

2. Food Wars! vol. 34 by Yuto Tsukuda and Shun Saeki

3. The Legend of Korra: Ruins of the Empire vol. 3 by Michael Dante DiMartino and Michelle Wong

4. Rin-Ne vol. 32 by Rumiko Takahashi

5. No Longer Human* by Junji Ito (based on the semi-autobiographical novel by Osamu Dazai):  Ito was an inspired choice to illustrate this, because although it isn't pure horror like Ito usually draws, it does look at human existence through a very bleak, existential lens.  600+ pages flew by.  (Content warning: suicide and child sexual abuse)

2020 total so far: 15 volumes of manga and 3 graphic novels


MOVIES

1. Child's Play:  In this reboot of the 80s killer doll classic, Chucky is an AI-enabled doll whose safety protocols have been tampered with by a disgruntled factory worker.  Now that Chucky doesn't have any restrictions against violence or other bad behavior, he's ready to protect his friendship with young Andy at all costs.  I could have done without this movie resorting to the tired and offensive cliche of killing cats in a horrifying way---my first reaction to seeing a cat in a horror movie is always one of great dismay, because almost without exception, it's a goner---but it's not bad, and Mark Hamill is obviously enjoying himself immensely as the voice of Chucky.

2. Belladonna of Sadness:  In this utterly bizarre Japanese animated movie from 1973, Jeanne is raped by the lord of her village on her wedding night.  She then makes a pact with the devil to become a powerful witch.  I can't say as I've ever seen anything like it before; it is very strange and surprisingly explicit, especially for its time.  It starts getting REALLY trippy around the 45-minute mark if you want to time your edibles accordingly.

Side note: I need to add a couple of warnings here.  The first, obviously, is for sexual assault.  It's not made out to be "hot" (and it makes me sick that I even have to type that, but unfortunately that's a trope); it's depicted with absolutely no ambiguity and doesn't shy away from showing Jeanne's utter physical and emotional devastation.  The other warning is for a few extended sequences of flashing lights, which can trigger seizures and (for me) migraines.

3. Zombieland: Double Tap*:  Set ten years after the original, this sequel finds the gang holing up in the White House and enjoying themselves until Little Rock takes off and they go on a road trip to find her.  Funny and very entertaining, especially a one-shot action scene set inside an Elvis-themed motel.

2020 total so far: 26

10 things I wish I could tell my teenaged self

I've been cleaning out closets in preparation for the impending move, and in the process, I found the diaries I kept from the ages of 15-18.  If you're imagining small books with gilded pages and a tiny, easily broken lock, you are very mistaken.  No, these were three-ring binders packed with so many handwritten pages they could barely close.  I'm guessing, all told, there are at least one thousand pages.  No, I'm not kidding.

Anyway, I've spent the last couple of nights reading them (hey, I'm in quarantine, what else am I going to do?), and they're absolutely making my heart ache in both good and bad ways.  I laughed when I read about the canned food drive caper, in which our rival homeroom stole our donations to try to win the prize and our homeroom teacher got into a nose-to-nose argument with THEIR homeroom teacher.  I smiled over memories of my first "real" concert (Marc Almond; I mentioned in huge letters that the tickets were "TWENTY-ONE BUCKS A PIECE, I NEED TO TAKE OUT A LOAN!!!"), the prom, late night coffee and cigarettes with my friend/crush J, going to the state spelling bee and placing sixth.  And I grimaced over recollections of my long-time best friend getting into crystal meth and becoming an awful person, unrequited crushes, the deaths of my grandparents, and family fights.

I know this isn't exactly a novel idea, but I wish I could go back in time and tell my former self a few things.  Assuming the butterfly effect was a factor, and I couldn't change things lest me telling one of my bullies to fuck off somehow led to WWIII, I would at least like to tell my younger self a few things in hopes of easing her emotional burden somewhat.

1. Mom's back pain is something really bad.  You have less than 10 years left with her; spend them being kind to her.  Tell her you love her every single day.

2. Your internalized misogyny is making my heart hurt.  Just because a girl is with a boy you like or is wearing a skirt shorter than you would, that doesn't make her a bitch or a c--- or a slutmonkey.  I saw what you wrote about Gloria Steinem being one of your heroines, so what the fuck are you doing?  Stop it!

3. I know it really hurt when J moved away and didn't keep in touch.  I know he broke your heart.  Please forgive him.  He's never going to return your affections in the way you'd like, because (surprise!) he's gay and struggling with it, but believe it or not, you two are going to be friends well into adulthood.  We actually had an hour-long text conversation the other night!

4. Speaking of which, sort of, you're not in love with your female coworker; you're mistaking admiration and desperate envy of what you consider to be her perfect life for love.  BUT!  When you wrote "I don't know if I'm gay or straight"?  Girl, in 2020 we call that bisexual erasure.  You can like both.  It's fine!

5. It's not okay that your youth pastor rubbed your shoulders while you were erasing the whiteboard.  It's not okay that your English teacher told you that one of your classmates had an abortion and that another one was molested; that's not "hot gossip", that's a horrific betrayal of trust.  (At least you didn't share it with anyone else.  Good for you!)  It's not okay that your economics teacher constantly talked about gay people using horrific slurs.  It's not okay that your history teacher said to you, when you were tardy, "The next time you're late I'm spanking you in front of everyone!"  It's not okay.

6. The way Dad talks to you sometimes is not okay.  Even when you're being a brat and rolling your eyes or talking back, his reaction is way out of proportion.  I promise you, as soon as you leave the house, your relationship will get much better, but I am telling you right now...YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.  And no, I don't know why Mom sits there quietly while he says the things he says.  If I were to guess, she's scared of him too.  That's not okay either.  Don't assume all men are like him, because they're not.

7. Yes, your brother is weird and frustrating.  What you don't know now, and won't for quite some time, is that he's autistic.  Try to be kinder to him.

8. You're not going to get into any of your dream colleges.  Sorry, but your math grades really WILL come back to bite you in the ass.  It's okay, though!  The college you eventually attend will be perfect for you.

9. You are FUNNY!  I've laughed so many times reading what you wrote.  I can't really explain what the internet is, because you'll think I'm making it up, but you will make people laugh on it sometimes.  It's your best quality, so use it! 

10.  "I want to die."  Yes, you have had a pretty rotten adolescence, there's no question about it.  Before I started reading the diaries, I thought maybe I had built it up to be much worse than it really was, and no.  I didn't.  I'm so sorry so many things sucked for you.  I'm so sorry that Dad is emotionally abusive, and Mom is sick so often, and you and your brother fight constantly, and that your long-time best friend is going to wild out and become someone you don't even recognize anymore.  I'm sorry about the bullies.  I'm sorry about your heart being broken so many times.

And I don't want to sugarcoat it.  Things are going to get even worse, but I swear to you they eventually get better.  So much better!  You're going to pack up a U-Haul with your friend and move back to California after 10 years in a very cold state.  Eventually you'll move out and get your own place, filled with all your things and decorated just how you want it, and it will be magical and you will love it.  Video games are going to be so much cooler, even the ones you can play at home!  You'll be able to watch porn and cat videos and talk to awesome strangers and be able to download a book or a magazine in a matter of seconds and be able to read them on the internet!  (Sorry, I said I couldn't explain it properly, but you're going to really like it.  You will never have a good excuse to be bored again!)  You're going to go to some incredible places, like Japan (twice!) and France and Iceland and Bermuda. And best of all, you're going to find the love of your life.  It will take a while, longer than you might like, but he's SO worth the wait, I promise.  Pinky swear.

Hang on, kid.  It ain't all orgasms and ice cream from here on out, but you'll be happy you stuck around.

love in the time of coronavirus

After 15 months of unemployment (roughly halved between "I don't wanna go back to work yet" and "I CAN'T go back to work yet due to injury/my dad's health issues"), I finally found a job at the same massage center I've been going to for 15 years.  The pay was mediocre, there were no benefits aside from a free massage every month (and any additional massages 20% off), and it was only part-time, but it was casual dress and two miles from home.  Besides, I figured if I'm moving out of state in a few months (not that I told THEM that), now wasn't really the time to get a full-time job anyway.

About two days after I was hired, news began spreading about a mysterious new virus in China. 

Work was...well, work.  As Morrissey once sang, "I was looking for a job and then I found a job/and heaven knows I'm miserable now".  I wasn't miserable, but I sure did miss doing whatever the hell I wanted 24/7.  But hey, I'm an adult, and adults generally have to work, and besides, it was nice to have money coming in instead of going out all the time, as paltry as the sum was.

My training went by pretty well, because I knew C, the woman training me, from my previous visits to the massage center.  C was very patient with me and praised me for the way I handled the occasional horndog (i.e. guys calling wanting to know if we offered "special services"; I played dumb and talked about reiki and hot stone massages until they either hung up or barked "Happy ENDINGS, do you offer happy ENDINGS?" at which point I would coolly tell them no and hang up) and stalker (a man obsessed with one of our therapists to the point of waiting for her by her car).  As the oldest receptionist by, uh, quite a lot, I used my Big Mom Energy to wilt all those desperate dicks greedy for a rub and tug and send them packing.

I was figuring things out pretty well, for the most part.  I accidentally counted a credit card charge as a cash payment, which led to a panicked moment when the count came up short at the end of the night, and texted "I hope she dies!" (instead of "I hope she does!") to a therapist about a potential client, which would be an awful typo at any time, but especially during an epidemic.

News kept coming in.  Cases exploded around the globe.  It was officially ruled a pandemic.  People started calling to cancel their massages because they were afraid.  I began wondering if I should quit; although I used hand sanitizer regularly and spent idle time wiping down the counters with Lysol wipes (as my old Blockbuster manager used to say, if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean), I still didn't like facing the general public.

Then my manager called to tell me they were drastically reducing the open hours of the massage center.  Since I was by far the newest hire, I was not first, second, or even third in line for what meager hours were available.  The manager told me she would be in contact when things "calmed down".

I was employed for exactly 9 days.

As of midnight, California went on lockdown.  All non-essential businesses closed (which I assume means the massage center too), all non-essential errands and appointments strictly discouraged.  I wondered what would be left at the end of all this?  Would the small family-run burger joint I frequent, which has the ambience of a toilet but good cheap food, go out of business?  Is the librarian who always smiles and asks me about G healthy?  Will the libraries reopen?  I learned that one of my Hidden City friends died; was it because of this?  My friend had to postpone her wedding; will it ever happen?  Will the Las Vegas Strip reopen?  (Scratch that; if it doesn't, then basically the world is done for.)  Will G and I be able to move as planned?

And most of all: does my brother, who is autistic, have enough supplies?  Will his landlady look out for him?  Is my dad's assisted living facility taking good care of him?  (He assures me they are, but ARE they?)  Will my friends and my family be okay?  Will we ever get to enjoy a simple pleasure like a weekday matinee or a leisurely dinner out again?

Do I have enough toilet paper?  Do I have enough food?  Do I have enough money?  Will I ever have a job again?  Will I ever get to travel again?  Will I ever feel safe again?  Will I ever stop thinking "this is it, we all well and truly fucked now"?  What if the mail stops coming? What if I can't get my medicine?  What if my laptop dies?  What if my Kindle dies?  What if...well, I won't go there. 

To quote another Smiths lyric, "Could life ever be sane again?"

Please.

Please let the answer be yes.