no such thing as a (good) free lunch

My department is having a banner year financially, and after we made over $600,000 in one day (yes, count ‘em, five zeroes), we received word from the head honchos that they were treating us to lunch. Being both a serious grazer and completely broke, this was welcome news indeed.

Until I heard that the food was coming from a place I shall call Crapstone Bakery.

Well, I figured maybe they wouldn’t disappoint me this time, and at least they have good desserts…the highlight of which is their marble cheesecake squares.

Mmmm…marble cheesecake squares…luscious little bites of cheesecake, veined with chocolate and resting on a delectable cookie crumb crust…my salivary glands went into overdrive at the thought.

So noon rolled around, and I regarded the sandwich trays with sheer horror. Pumpernickel bread! VEGETABLE MATTER. Anemic-looking cheeses sprawled across glistening pink meats of indeterminate origin. And, worst of all, every single sandwich was spread with Satan’s semen, the horrific condiment better known as mayonnaise.

I grabbed a can of Coke and frantically surveyed the table for the dessert trays.

Where the frell were my damn dessert trays?

I went up to my boss and asked “Hey, T, where are the dessert trays?”

“Oh, desserts were $50 extra, so we didn’t get them,” he replied.

Um…

Er…

Let me get this straight. We can make SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for these fuckers in ONE DAY, and they won’t shell out fifty friggin’ bucks for a couple of dessert trays?

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.