vomit-flavored jelly beans

[NOTE: This is a repost of something I wrote two years ago, so if you've already read it, I apologize in advance. A friend of mine wanted to read it, so I dusted it off my hard drive and put it online again. Also, they have added a couple of new flavors to the mix since I wrote this entry, but I absolutely will not try the earthworm flavor. Good lord, what's next...yeast infection??]

I bought a box of Jelly Bellies at Borders last week, not paying much attention to the flavors. I brought them to work and absentmindedly popped a couple into my mouth; green apple. Chew chew chew.

Along came K, and I offered her a handful. She put one in her mouth, began chewing, and almost immediately began gagging. "My god, what flavor is this?" she cried, spitting it into a Kleenex. "It's revolting!" I apologized for my unwittingly nasty treat, and shortly thereafter, she left, leaving the rest of her jelly beans on my desk calendar.

Hmmm, what was that flavor, anyway? I picked up the box and suddenly realized my error: I'd grabbed a box of the Harry Potter Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, which include both "normal" flavors and some truly disgusting ones. I immediately foisted a couple of the grosser ones on The Wad, and ran away laughing when he started hollering and spitting into his trashcan.

Anyway, in the interests of the public, I have endeavored to try every one of the gross flavors so that you don't have to. (You're welcome.) I've got a bottle of water and a box of Orbit gum, so I'll be able to get rid of even the most loathsome flavor in a matter of seconds. Here goes!

BLACK PEPPER: This one is not in my box.

BOOGER: Ugh...my god. This definitely tastes like boogers. (Oh, stop groaning, we were all 3 years old and less discerning once.) A faint salty aftertaste.
[swigs water]

DIRT: Yep, that's dirt all right.

EAR WAX: I'm not sure what ear wax tastes like, exactly, but this must be it. It tastes like a really salty candle, or that homemade flour-and-salt dough that everyone's mom made for craft projects.

[water]

BANANA: Nope, sorry, I refuse to try this one.

GRASS: That is indeed grass. If I were to chew one of these and a dirt one at the same time, it would bring back memories of the first time I wiped out on my bike.

SARDINE: Sweet baby Jesus in the manger! Oh Christ! I humbly beseech You to cleanse this oily, salty, fishy flavor from my mouth! I'm sorry about that entry from last week! Please! I am at Your holy mercy!

[water, Orbit gum, 30-minute break to allow my tongue to recover]

SPINACH: Why did I begin this fucking entry? I will never eat again. At least I only have one disgusting flavor to go...but it's gonna be bad.

Ladies and gentlemen, the final Jelly Belly is...

Vomit.

And there isn't enough Orbit in the world to take this one away. I don't need to eat any more of these, because I'm about to go taste the real thing right now.