Part 3: I'm gonna see the cow beneath the sea

The final installment of my Q&A, spread out for your DEE-lectation.

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Do you have a New Orleans connection? I’m just about the only person I know who uses the word lagniappe. (I lived there for 22 years and claim it as my very own.)

Nope…unfortunately, I’ve never even been there, and it saddens me that I’ll never see it the way it used to be. There’s got to be so much more to it than drunken jailbait flashing their titties for beads and black-clad Goths skulking around looking for Anne Rice and Trent Reznor’s homes.

What’s your favorite thing about G?

And here I thought the question about my favorite kind of monkey was hard.

Hmmmm. Seriously, I don’t know how to answer this one. If I had to pick just one attribute, it would be his sense of humor. He makes me laugh myself into a wheezing, teary-eyed fit practically every day I spend with him. He can be very sarcastic, but it’s never mean-spirited, and his reactions when I say or do something particularly weird are hysterical.

How did you discover your perfume fetish, and what are your top three?

My fetish stems from a Tinkerbell gift set I got as a kid. It had nail polish, lip balm, and a tiny bottle of perfume that probably smelled like flowery ass, but hey, I didn’t know any better, and I thought it was the best thing ever.

My top three favorites are always subject to change without notice, but currently they are:

*Minnie Wilde Magic: This smells like tigerlilies, Bain de Soleil, and sunwarmed skin, and it’s fabulous.

*Nanadebary Pink: It smells like really expensive, spicy soap, and I love the saucy vixen on the bottle too.

*The Exact Friction of Stars: Ben & Jerry’s used to make an ice cream flavor that was obviously supposed to be Almond Joy, although it wasn’t called that, no doubt due to licensing issues. This smells like that tasted, with a splash of orange for extra pizzazz.

And you didn’t ask, but my least favorite fragrance is Be Beautiful’s Chocolate Cosmos, which I recently had the misfortune to sample. I took one whiff of it and refused to put it anywhere on my body, because it smelled like shit. I don’t mean that figuratively; it literally smelled like shit. And not just any plebian shit, oh no! It smelled like shit that’s been sitting in a Port-a-Potty for a couple of hours…you know, that really pungent shit and chemical smell. I don’t know who approved this fragrance, but they should be beaten severely.

Okay, no more shit talk, I promise.

What’s your favorite kitchen appliance?

The microwave, because I can’t cook at all.

Favorite childhood cartoon?

This is going to sound funny coming from the anime freak, but I didn’t watch cartoons as a kid, at least not that I can remember. I didn’t watch much TV at all, actually, aside from “Dance Fever” and “The Incredible Hulk”. Man, I loved “The Incredible Hulk” so much that, when I misbehaved and Daddy-O said I could choose between a spanking or missing “The Hulk”, I picked the spanking. (This was before VCRs, obviously. You kids get off my lawn!)

Most annoying habit?

When I’m driving, I make racecar noises when I change lanes.

Worst ex story?

After we broke up, M1 sent all my stuff back to me in a huge trash can. He’d nailed a piece of plywood over the top to keep the contents inside, and as my mom helped me pull the nails out, she said, “Wow, honey, he turned out to be an asshole, didn’t he?”

Most embarrassing moment?

Butchering ABBA during a karaoke night in Japan. It was so horrifying that I swore I would never sing in public again.

Would you ever have plastic surgery?

Barring a horribly disfiguring accident (anti-jinx!), no. I don’t have a moral problem with it---although I do wonder if the women who Botox themselves into mannequin plasticity honestly think it looks good---but there’s nothing about myself that I dislike so much I’d be willing to overcome my fears of pain, poverty, needles, and surgery.

Okay, Miss Gamer Lady, what’s your #1 favorite video game of all time?

Jeez, why not just ask me which child is my favorite? (Not that I have kids, but still.) If you held a gun to my head (and, um, please don’t), I would have to go with Silent Hill 2, in which you play James Sunderland, a man plunged into unimaginable horrors as he searches for his wife. The storyline could hold up against any Hollywood thriller, the music is achingly beautiful, and parts of it made me tear up.

But oh, Cruel Noter, to make me choose! The other Silent Hill games are amazing, too. Then there’s the sheer visceral terror of the Resident Evil and Clock Tower (barring the second installment, which blew) series, and the lurid, gory, gooey, astoundingly offensive Illbleed. Then we have the “party” games like Super Puzzle Turbo Fighter, Taiko Drum Master, the Bust a Groove series, and Samba de Amigo…the unclassifiable Seaman…old school classics like Ms. Pac-Man, Jungle Hunt, and Galaga…and Dead Rising looks promising too; let’s hope they port it from the Xbox 360. Oh…so many wonderful, wonderful games…sigh.

Terrible question, but which CSI is the original?

The one set in Las Vegas.

What are you reading right now?

A Most Uncommon Degree of Popularity by Kathleen Gilles Seidel. It’s not grabbing me, though, so I doubt it will pass my 50-page rule.

Hey, in your last entry, you didn’t list Lost as one of your favorite TV shows. Did you stop watching it?

No, I had a brain fart; thanks for reminding me. I edited that entry to add Lost, as well as The Sopranos.

What was your first concert?

Marc Almond at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood, 1989. Oh my god, I was the biggest Marc Almond fan for years (in all his incarnations: Soft Cell, Marc and the Mambas, and solo), and when I found out he was coming to town, I cajoled a friend into driving me. The concert was seriously awesome; I was so moved that I cried.

I actually haven’t been to that many concerts. Aside from Marc Almond, I’ve seen Morrissey, the B-52’s, the Violent Femmes, Babes in Toyland (twice), G. Love and Special Sauce, a group concert by a bunch of oldies stars like Del Shannon and The Crystals (my parents were supposed to go together, but my mom wasn’t feeling well on the night of the concert, so I went instead), and Joan Osborne.

What are your biggest regrets in life?

I have two major ones. The first one is that I wish I had been kinder to my mom when she was still alive. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t constantly nasty to her or anything, but I think back on things I said in the heat of anger and I would give absolutely anything to take them back.

The other one is from my college years. It was late at night, and M1 and I were driving back to our dorm after a long night of dancing. We were on a back road, and there weren’t any streetlights, so he was driving very slowly. I noticed a woman walking on the side of the road ahead of us, and when she heard our truck approaching, she turned around and shot us a look of pure terror that I swear I can still see fifteen years later. We kept going, and I have never forgiven myself for not insisting that M1 pull over so we could see if she needed help. She didn’t look injured, and we hadn’t passed any disabled cars, so I have no idea why she looked so scared, but not knowing is no reason for not stopping. I sometimes still think of her late at night. I hope she was okay.

You know that my name is Blue Canary One Note, right? Even though I spell it L-I-T-E.

Cool! Do you know that guy that legally changed his name to Trout Fishing in America?

You’ve been invited to invent a candy product! *applause* Lay out your sweet plan and make me drool. (Okay, not a question proper, and it actually sounds rather lewd, but you get the idea.)

I’ve been turning this question over and over in my head, but I just can’t imagine how the sheer gustatory brilliance of a Godiva oyster could be improved upon in any way.

I am intrigued by AM’s comment about Mother’s circus cookies mixed into vanilla ice cream, though. That sounds tooth-achingly good.

What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen?

This is really, really, unbelievably disgusting, so those of tender constitutions may wish to stop now.

I’m not kidding.

Last chance!

There’s a video clip online of a bald man thrusting his ENTIRE HEAD inside a woman’s, um, area. I cannot fathom how such a thing is even humanly possible, barring massive (and potentially lethal) doses of muscle relaxants, so it must be a fake.

Dear God, let it be a fake.

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Looks like that does it for this Q&A round. Thanks for playing!