Worst. Diet. Ever.

WEDNESDAY, 4/29/09

Breakfast: scrambled eggs, white toast with grape jam, glass of orange juice

Midmorning snack: lemon macaroon from Bouchon

Exercise: Walking approximately 3+ miles around the Venetian, the Palazzo, and the Paris

Lunch: grilled cheese sandwich, fries, Coke Zero

Exercise: Walking around McCarran Airport with Daddy-O; vigorous hugs upon parting ways

Snack: Bag of cashews and a Coke on the plane

Exercise: Walking from terminal at the Bob Hope Airport to baggage claim; hoisting heavy suitcase onto parking shuttle; driving home while singing Morrissey at the top of my lungs; lugging said suitcase up flight of stairs and into apartment, despite starting to feel really rugged

Dinner: cup of yogurt

Exercise: spending the rest of the night into the wee hours racing from my bed to the bathroom to puke and/or have explosive diarrhea, sometimes at once!

THURSDAY 4/30/2009

Breakfast: bottle of Vitamin Water

Exercise: puking and shitting; climbing into shower and then immediately stepping out when I felt like I was going to faint; calling doctor's office and begging to come in; driving to doctor's office with towel under my ass lest I be unable to control myself and shit all over my new car; being examined by doctor who diagnoses massive food poisoning and gives me an excuse for work and prescriptions for Cipro and Diflucan (to combat the inevitable yeastie beasties that arise whenever I take antibiotics); driving to Long's, dropping off prescriptions, and pushing cart around store in zombielike shuffle while throwing in saltines, applesauce, Gatorade, and ginger ale; picking up prescriptions; driving home; lugging everything upstairs; shitting; changing into woobs; coming online to write this entry before flinging myself into bed for indeterminate amount of time

Snack: Cipro tablet, bottle of Gatorade, three saltines

Exercise: vomiting

emphasis on the "ass"

Ever since I started working at the Cube Farm, there has been a day I dread like no other…

…Administrative Assistants Day.

Every single year, management corrals us into a tiny conference room. My boss gives a short speech (during which she inevitably tears up), and then we receive subpar food, a small gift, and a coupon for one paid hour off work. Management sits there and watches us EAT. I don’t like eating around other people anyway, and I HATE being forced to be social, so I always beat cheeks out of there as soon as I politely can. To give you an idea of how painful this thing is, my favorite coworker J actually volunteered to work the lobby rather than go.

When 2PM rolled around, I grudgingly followed everyone into the conference room and stood in line. There’s a bakery nearby which somehow manages to get all of the Cube Farm’s business for special events, even though their food is absolute shit…with the exception of their cheesecake brownies.

Oh well, at least I’ll get a cheesecake brownie and an hour off work, I thought, cutting my eyes at A, who was unsuccessfully trying to pick up a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich with tongs. For Christ’s sake, A, just pick the thing up! They’re called finger sandwiches for a reason!

By the time I reached the end, all of the cheesecake brownies were gone.

I stalked to an empty chair and picked at my plate of pineapple slices while trying to avoid getting my picture taken.

My boss gave a very short, dry-eyed speech, and then she passed out small gift bags containing a notepad, a pen, and a Mary Engelbreit bookmark that says “If you pray for rain, be prepared to deal with some mud!”

WHAT THE CHRISTING FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Could you pick something more ominous? How about “If you pray for a cheesecake brownie and a paid hour off work, be prepared for a shitty gift bag instead”? That’s more appropriate if you ask me. And what the hell do we need with pens and notepads anyway? We work in an office! We can raid the supply closet whenever we want!

And then, to top it off, when I got back to my desk, I had an e-mail telling me that I’d won a recent contest. Earlier, in honor of Earth Day, we received a word search and a note telling us that the first ten people to return it would win a prize. Feeling like a kindergartener, but always up for some swag, I did the puzzle and turned it in.

But in addition to that e-mail, I got one from a coworker that said “You must need more work to do! LOL!”

SUCK MY FIGURATIVE SWEATY BALLS, BITCH.

Fortunately, I have a massage after work, and then I’m going to go home , take a shower, and flop onto Big Brown for hours of trashy magazine reading and Law & Order SVU reruns.

If work ain’t gonna treat me right, then I’m sure as hell gonna do it for myself.

give me back my man

The title comes from the B-52's song that's currently playing on my iTunes, but it fits perfectly for this weekend. Ordinarily I would be with G, but he went home for Passover. Costa Rica killed most of my vacation time (and the rest is going towards meeting up with Daddy-O in Vegas later this month), so I couldn’t go. There will be no partaking of bitter greens, no singing of "Chad Gadyo", no touching of the shankbone for me this Passover holiday.

Anyway, over the last four days, I’ve been to three movies (I Love You Man, Sunshine Cleaning, and Tokyo Sonata), eaten about fifty Cadbury cream eggs, cleaned my kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, washed Ginji, slept more than is medically or reasonably necessary, played hours of Gardening Mama (don’t judge, it’s addictive!), and read five magazines, two volumes of manga, and two books. I want to take a nap, but when I got home from the movies, I noticed that the laundry room was completely empty. I guess everyone else is off praising the risen Jeebus. Anyway, I figured I’d better take advantage of it, so now I must try to stay awake until everything is washed, dried, folded, and put away. Because I have cut my caffeine consumption to practically nil (yes, I’m serious), staying awake is no mean feat. Ergo: survey time!

Oh, but first I have to tell you this. To see Tokyo Sonata, I had to drive to the town where I grew up and where K and I lived for four years after I moved back to California. The independent movie theater there used to be the only theater in town. One of my favorite memories of that place is seeing Silence of the Lambs with my mom, and running hand in hand through the parking lot afterwards, freaked out as all hell. When I sat down, I closed my eyes and thought of that moment and smiled.

Afterwards (for obvious reasons), I was seriously jonesing for Japanese food, so I went to a nearby restaurant and chowed down on beef teriyaki, miso soup, and rice. I felt a little awkward being the only person eating alone, but I got over it pretty quickly. When I was leaving, I noticed another woman about my age sitting by herself, and when I passed her, she raised her sake cup and smiled. It was one of those little moments where I just felt, I don’t know, connected to the world, if that makes any sense.

No? Okay, fine. Book survey swiped from Amandear.

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1.) Let's start with a simple one. What are your all-time favorite books?

My absolute all-time favorite book is As Meat Loves Salt by Maria McCann. In no particular order, the other nine are:

The End of Alice by A.M. Homes
The Devil of Nanking by Mo Hayder
The Green Mile by Stephen King
Dark Hollow by John Connolly
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn
The Crimson Petal and the White by Michel Faber
The Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst

My favorite nonfiction books of all time are Jesus Land by Julia Scheeres and Stiff by Mary Roach.


2.) What's your favorite genre?

I’ll read just about anything, though it’s rare that I’ll ever pick up sci-fi, fantasy, or romance (with the exception of Bertice Small, who writes some really juicy stuff. One of her books even had a DP in it!).

3.) Some people enjoy listening to various songs more than following certain artists. Do you prefer reading random books to following certain authors, or will you follow an author from title to title?

A little of both. There are certain people (Stephen King, John Connolly, Mo Hayder) whose books I’ll snap up as soon as they hit the shelves, but I also like discovering new authors. I get most of my book recommendations from Entertainment Weekly, since they review a good selection of both popular and somewhat obscure titles.

4.) Some books have great titles, but don't make your desert island top five list, and some amazing books have mediocre titles. What are your favorite book titles?

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (by Dave Eggers) is an awesome title, though I was lukewarm on the book itself. But for awesome titles, you can’t beat Mark Leyner. A sampling from Amazon: I Smell Esther Williams, Et Tu Babe, My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist, Tooth Imprints on a Corn Dog. There’s a new book out called It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather Armstrong that I want to read, and Jennifer Lancaster (Such a Pretty Fat, Bright Lights Big Ass, Bitter Is the New Black) has great titles too. Oh, and Horsemen of the Esophagus, about competitive eating, is probably my favorite title ever.

5.) Fiction or nonfiction? Hardcover or softcover? Biography or autobiography?

I never used to read nonfiction, but that’s changed over the years. I still read mostly fiction, though. I don’t care about hardcover vs. softcover; I am Switzerland on that issue. Same for biography vs. autobiography.

6.) What are your perfect reading conditions? What situation is most conducive to enjoying your chosen read?

I love to read in bed, and I try to read for at least a half-hour before falling asleep. I can read just about anywhere, though, with the exception of the break room at work. That place is so fucking loud it’s like trying to read on an airport runway. So on my lunch break, after I get back from my walk, I have about 20 minutes to kill. I take my book into a little abandoned office near my cube and read until my time’s up.

7.) What's the optimal length for a book?

I don’t care as long as it’s good. If a book hasn’t grabbed me by page 50, I give it up.

8.) What's the first book you remember reading?

No idea, but it was probably something from the Dr. Seuss oeuvre.

9.) What's the last book that really moved you?

The Local News by Miriam Gershow. Definitely the best book I’ve read so far this year.

10.) What's the last book that so annoyed you that you bailed on it without finishing it?

I had Everything Must Go by Elizabeth Flock sitting on my shelf for probably two years, and when I didn’t have anything else to read recently, I opened it up. I didn’t even get to the fifty page mark. That shit was boring.

11.) What's the worst book you were forced to read in school?

Drawing a blank…

12.) What book (that you might not have picked up on your own) are you glad was forced upon you in school?

Madame Bovary. I also really liked Anna Karenina.

13.) What is one book whose timelessness and renown utterly baffles you?

The DaVinci Code and anything by Stephenie Meyer. Barf.

14.) What is one book you fully expect to be forced upon high school students in the future?

Probably anything that Oprah ever recommended.

15.) Have you ever read a book that you so thoroughly enjoyed that, as soon as you turned the last page, you immediately flipped the book over and began reading it again?

As Meat Loves Salt. Then, after returning it to the library, I went out and bought my own copy. I’ve recommended this book to many people over the years, and their reactions have ranged from “Oh my god, this book is phenomenal!” to “Well, that sucked. I especially liked the twenty pages about the printing press. That was so exciting!”

16.) How many books do you usually have going at one time? How many do you prefer to have going at the same time?

Usually two: one for my breaks at work, and one for home. Right now I have two books going (Turning Angel by Greg Iles and Secrets to Happiness by Sarah Dunn), as well as volume 1 of Blank Slate by Aya Kanno.

17.) Are you a buyer, a borrower, or a library haunt?

I very rarely buy books, if you can believe that shit. I have library cards for two different counties and go at least once a week. The people at the library near my work know me by name!

18.) Do any books perpetually live in your purse, briefcase, backpack, car, desk, or other such easily-accessible place as emergency or back-up reading options?

With the (obvious) exception of anything I’m reading at the time, I keep a box of library books in my trunk.

19.) Do you dog-ear or make notes in books?

Nope.

20.) Do you use something other than a bookmark to keep your place? If so, what?

I have three bookmarks, but I always seem to be missing at least two of them. The pages of my Cute Overload desk calendar work well in a pinch. Awww, bunny head.

scenes from a mall

Pictures from our Little Tokyo excursion yesterday. Mouse over for snark.